Perfect Peace...

I'm in Week 5 of the Newborn Challenge.  Totally sleep-deprived and trying to keep five kids fed, clothed and alive is way beyond peaceful and serene.  It feels more like a full day of the most strenuous fitness boot camp.

On Monday, Lawson was in the basement "playing."   I had poured a bowl of dry cereal for him and I didn't realize he had taken it down with him.  I heard a strange noise and upon walking down, I realized that the noise was him, riding on his red car back and forth over the cereal which he had dumped out all over the floor.  It was now a nice powder...

My doula came for my follow-up visit Monday morning only to spend most of the visit trying to calm my VERY unhappy baby.  We tried different ways to hold her, burp her, swaddle her...it was quite a circus.  We took her up to the nursery because the other kids were being quite loud (shocking, I know!)...and they all followed us up there and dumped out the toys in her closet to play with in her room.


Since she finished the Butterflies of North America book with me last week, Sienna was eager to find another equally thrilling book to harass me with this week.  Yesterday, it was a cookbook of Reese's.  She patiently followed me around ALL morning with this book, asking me again and again and again, "What's this recipe, read what's in it...."  Just because I was in the middle of changing a poopy diaper, nursing the baby, trying to get dressed or brush my teeth or use the bathroom, I was not spared.

The first three hours of my day today were spent with a baby strapped to the front of me.  I discovered that she cries wayyyy less when she is in the carrier...this does however present a bit of a challenge when I want to actually move freely about the house, or bend over, or use the bathroom.

I got some eggs out to crack for a recipe I was making for dinner.  Lawson saw the eggs and heard me ask Reese if she wanted to crack them for me.  I turned my back for 1 minute and vaguely heard him saying "My crack eggs."  Oh...No!!!  I turned around to see him smacking an egg down all over the counter.  Egg was everywhere!

I took something out to the garage and when I came back inside, Lawson was standing in the kitchen facing me with a big grin on his face, soccer ball in hands.  He squatted down as if to throw it to me but instead hoisted it up over his head and threw it backwards onto the kitchen table, just inches away from a large glass cake plate with a cake on it!

The day is over...I'm exhausted but still breathing...and just as I put away the last piece of laundry away in the kids' rooms, I come back downstairs to find a pile of new dirty clothes from the finished day...just waiting for my attention tomorrow.

My days are a swirling chaotic mess most of the time.  It feels a bit like putting out one fire after another all day long.  It'd be easy to get discouraged. depressed...to give in to the temptation to say, "This is all just too much for me to handle!"  And really, it is.  Don't be tempted to think I'm some kind of supermom just because I have these kids and do these things day after day.

My strength surely isn't my own today...or any day for that matter.  My strength flows to me directly from the Lord.  He supplies me with exactly what I need for each new day.  I trust in Him...and He never disappoints.  I read Isaiah 26:3-4 this morning and it gave me a peace just knowing that no matter how difficult the days are, my peace comes from Him.

When I sit and when I rise...

Never in my life did the words "captive audience" have such meaning.  Now that I am glued to a chair for hours every day nursing a newborn baby, I've become an active target for Sienna's shenanigans and am at the full mercy of her constant gabbing.  She knows all too well when I sit to nurse Evangeline that I'm going to be at her full disposal for at least a good 15-20 minutes and she does not miss an opportunity to take full advantage of this.  I spent this morning being accosted by my garrulous 4-year-old wielding a volume of "A Complete Guide to the Butterflies of North America."  Page after page of the 400+ page book she turned and asked me "Read it Mama!  READ it!  What kind of butterfly is this?  Tell me the name of this butterfly."  Even after I'd finished feeding the baby and was moving about the house again, she brought the book, which is a convenient pocket sized edition, (i.e. lightweight and easy to carry around) and followed me wherever I went... "What's this butterfly?  Tell me what this one is called."

But Sienna isn't the only one keeping me on my toes lately.  Dear Lawson had a healthy pre-dinner-dinner of jelly beans, pretzel dough and a whole plate full of strawberries I had cut up for everyone.  He wanted to help make the pretzels and following in the footsteps of his big sisters, put on Reese's hat and apron.  It's pretty hard to get upset with someone who is this adorable, even if he was trying to add the flour to the bowl handful by handful, and then eating the dough after it was made.

Derrick got a call from work tonight and after hanging up, the kids wanted to know who it was.  He told them the person's name was Doug.  Sienna piped right up with, "Is his name Doug because he digs a lot?"

 There really is never a dull moment in the house these days.  And with a newborn, day fades to night and night brightens back into day, often with very little chance for rest.  This morning, when I awoke with the baby at 4 and again at 6, a Psalm I'd read the night before was running through my mind.  "Oh Lord, you have searched me and you know me.  You know when I sit and when I rise..."  It brought comfort and peace and a sense of purpose to my day just knowing that God Knows...He knows even the most seemingly insignificant details of my day...when I sit and when I rise.  Who am I...what have I done to deserve the Creator's care and concern for even such small parts of my day?

Comfort and Joy...

Sleeping peacefully...during the daytime!

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do everything through Him who gives me strength. 

Philippians 4:12-13

This is the season that abounds with things that bring us comfort...we enjoy crackling fires, snugly sweaters and blankets, warm mugs of hot cocoa, and evenings spent indoors in the company of family and friends.  We sing familiar Christmas carols, many proclaiming messages of  peace, joy, beauty and love.   We bask in our long-founded traditions...in the familiar...in the comfortable.

But life doesn't always allow us the luxury of staying in these places of familiarity and routine and predictability.  I now find myself in a place which I'd affectionately call, "the newborn haze."  These are the most dreaded times for any parent...operating on barely any sleep...spending more time awake at night than cozy in bed.  And the days are long too...the demands constant...  In this place of nearly constant dis-comfort, how do I find joy?  When life is less than comfortable, how do we still find contentment and peace?  Does God care...does He see our struggles and really care about them?  Does He have reasonable expectations of what we can truly handle?

Something my pastor said in his sermon on Sunday that really challenged me was that, "If we had the power of God there are many things we'd change; but if we had the wisdom of God, we wouldn't change a thing."














My  personal comfort isn't necessarily paramount on God's to-do list.  As much as I'd like it to be, that just isn't the case.  But just because I am in a place of difficulty, of trial, of struggle, of pain, I should not lose faith.  God's infinite wisdom gives Him a perspective so much greater than mine.  He is working, even in the midst of the most difficult days and times.  He is shaping me into the person He wants me to be, in spite of and even THROUGH the difficult seasons.  Therefore, my joy is not and should not be contingent on my comfort

When I pause to do some real soul-searching, I realize that it is always in the difficult times that I feel closest to God.  I cry out to Him more, not when my days are breezing by easily, but when I'm gripping on that narrow ledge of sanity by the very tips of my fingers.  I can to All Things...  How many hundreds of times have I heard this verse and paid little heed to it's true meaning?  I have joy in my heart today...not because anything in my life has been easy or comfortable for the past two years...

I have joy because I Have God.  

Coming into Focus...

The drive to the hospital was a harrowing one. Every bump, every shift, brought on a new wave of nearly-unbearable pain.  The end goal of a soft bed, warm blankets, a tiny baby, was all my mind could focus on.

As I sat in recovery with those wonderful, warm blankets tucked over me, brand new baby on my chest. I could not help but think of another baby...born at Christmas time.




I thought about that Christmas night when Mary could feel her own childbirth pangs coming on.  Riding on a donkey at 9 months pregnant.  No hospital...no doctors, not even a bed . A smelly, animal-filled stable was their last resort...scratchy hay to lie on. Here the Savior of the world was born, in total obscurity and in the most humble and lowly of settings.


Maintaining our focus on God in the midst of all the pressures and distractions we face each day can be difficult...especially during the holidays.  At the very time of year He should be at the forefront of our thoughts, He is often pushed to the back burner.  Being with a newborn right now forces me to be very focused on only the most critical daily functions...Eat...Sleep...Shower...there isn't time or energy for much else.  Perhaps I should apply so much focus to my walk with the Lord...realizing there really isn't anything in life that deserves the kind of attention and devotion and time commitment that He does.

Jeremiah 9:24 ~ "Let him who glories glory in this, that he understands and knows Me, that I am the Lord, exercising lovingkindness, judgment, and righteousness in the earth.  For in these I delight," says the Lord.


When I fully understand and KNOW God, I can't help but keep Him in focus.  I look at my new baby and am speechless that He exercised that kind of love for me...that He went so far as to send His own Son...for ME!  And in the form of one so completely and totally helpless. That kind of vulnerability...that kind of humility, is mind-blowing...coming from the Creator of the Universe!  He delights in showing me love...I stopped to think about that this morning.  The pressures, the stress, everything else seemed to fade into the background as that fact soaked in.









May you take some time also, as we near the Christmas holiday, to redirect your thoughts toward Him...to appreciate all that He has done...continues to do...for you.  May you truly Know Him...and Understand what it means to be loved by Him.

She Bears Good News...

  Four years ago, while lying on the couch with then newborn Sienna, I happened to watch part of a documentary on Harriet Beecher Stowe.  I was fascinated by her story and decided to read her novel, Uncle Tom's Cabin, which I finished during the many hours of nursing a tiny baby.  The book was so gripping...the characters drew me in...the story was heart-wrenching.  One character in particular tugged at my heart, and this was the little girl, Evangeline.  I loved her compassion, her kindness, her love for everyone she encountered, her faith...the way she ministered to, encouraged and loved "Tom".  Her plight brought me to tears and I knew after reading the book that if I ever had another daughter, that would be her name.

A month ago, I looked up the meaning of the name Evangeline and was delighted to see it meant "the bearer of good news."  In a season where my family has had to deal with SO much bad news, I cannot help but feel the depth and significance of this new blessing so much more potently.  Her middle name is Ruth, which was my dear grandmother's name.  Ruth means "compassionate friend."  I hope that her namesake is what she will indeed live up to...a woman who will spread good news to the world around her while she offers compassion and friendship to others.

In these first days we have had with her, I have watched my other children embrace her with great big smiles and open arms.  I feel a joy, so much deeper than I have felt for a long time...experiencing again for the fifth time now the miracle of childbirth....the instant of transitioning from the most excruciating pain to the most intense joy for a new life.



We are excited to welcome little Evangeline into our family this week...such wonderful "good news" indeed!

Tiebreaker...

 Carter was flipping through the mail the other day when he saw a story about a man who ate the most hot dogs ever while playing ping pong.  Seriously?  Yes, seriously!  He brought it up to me later that evening and asked if the man would be in "the Venus book of fly records?"  "Um, you mean the Guinness Book of World Records, Carter."

I showed Reese a picture online of a baby at 20 weeks gestation, in anticipation of my ultrasound.  She looked carefully at the image and asked me, "Why doesn't the baby have any clothes on?"  Now I've been showing her these emails I get every week for the last 20 weeks so I'm not sure why she asked this question now, halfway through the pregnancy.  "Well, how would it get clothes when it's inside my tummy, Reese?"  "I don't know."

Yesterday I took the kids out to the library and Trader Joe's for some groceries. Lawson has been really difficult lately whenever I take him out...see, all my comments about what an angel he is have now come back to bite me!  Anyway, the library didn't go so great...he was banging on the fish tank, running down the rows, and even poked Wilbur, the library guinea pig on the nose, which is a huge No-No!  In Trader Joe's he refused to sit in the seat of the cart so I put Sienna there and put him into the cart.  He was hitting Sienna and trying to climb out.  I stopped at the place where free samples are given out in hopes a bite to eat would pacify him for a few minutes.  I managed to knock over a glass bottle of juice while getting the samples, which thankfully did not break.  The woman working the samples that day was so sweet and sympathetic.  She told me she had 4 grown children.  We moved on to get more groceries and another store employee came up to me with a bouquet of sunflowers and roses.  "These are from Karen." I was so blown away...the first woman wanted me to have flowers just to brighten my day.  I walked back over and she just gave me a big hug and said, "We all have those days."  Seriously...best part of my week, hands down!  You just never know what a few kind words or an act of kindness can do for someone.

Yesterday was also the big 20-week ultrasound.  We decided to find out what we were having again this time since the kids were very eager to know.  The tie has officially been broken and the girls are coming out on top...we're having a little girl!!!

On the Mountaintop...

 They say that every cloud has a silver lining, and that the sun shines more brightly after the storm.  This silver lining has been a long time in coming.  Sometimes, it can take months of walking through a very deep valley before you find yourself up on the mountain top again.

January 25, 2016 is truly a day I will never forget.

It is a day that, to me, symbolizes so many things.... Strength... Courage Determination...  Perseverance.... Love in it's purest form... great Pain followed by great Triumph... the most intense form of joy intermingled with an equally intense sorrow.  Today marks the birthday of my sweet and absolutely perfect little niece, Dalis.  My sister-in-law shared with me that Dalis means "mountain" in Thai...and it seems so appropriate a name for a little one who has given us this mountaintop experience through her miraculous birth.

I cannot imagine a person who is more courageous and strong than my dear Sister-in-Law.  I am privileged to know her and call her "My Family".

I feel that I am witness to a true miracle today.  Of course, any time a baby is born, to me, it feels like a miracle...but this time it is even more precious.  She is a symbol of a fresh start, and a great hope for the future.  A new life that brings with it so much promise...

I could not help but think of a verse in Isaiah today which speaks of how the Lord brings beauty from ashes.  While I was pondering that passage, I also found this one which seemed equally appropriate.

Isaiah 66:9 "In the same way I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born," says the Lord.

These words reassured me today, reminded me of His power to work even in the most hopeless situations...situations that I can't understand and even continue to question....

Yesterday morning, driving down to church, there was a gorgeous sunrise, and to the east, there was a striking vertical rainbow that seemed be lighting the way for us.  Last night there was an amazingly brilliant sunset and just hours later, a moon rise that was perhaps the most spectacular I have ever witnessed....a huge, orange mass of an orb, coming up through wisps of clouds on a chilly, clear, winter night.  This morning again, there was another spectacular sunrise that caused me to stop in my tracks in amazement.  I am so thankful for these visible and stunning reminders of God's creativity, His Power, His Love for me, demonstrated in so many ways.  And I'm thankful that He seemed to usher in the birth of my little niece with such amazing displays of beauty.  I could not think of a more fitting welcome for a little one who is bringing into this world so much happiness and hope and joy.

Everyday Miracles...

I was reading the other day about how the Israelites were complaining about needing a miracle, while they were living in the midst of another.  They were longing for some meat in their diet, while failing to be thankful for the daily supply of manna, which was sustaining them.  This particular passage really got me thinking,

"There are miracles all around us all the time, yet it's so easy to find something to complain about in the midst of those miracles.  The simple act of reading involves millions of impulses firing across billions of synapses.  While you're reading, your heart goes about its business circulating five quarts of blood through a hundred thousand miles of veins, arteries, and capillaries.  And it's amazing you can even concentrate, given the fact that you're on a planet that is traveling 67,000 miles per hour through space while spinning around its axis at a speed of 1,000 miles per hour.  But we take those manna miracles, the miracles that happen day in, day out, for granted"  (The Circle Maker)

I am more and more convicted that I should be keeping a running tab each day of all the miracles I do witness, rather than wishing for more.  I've said before that the experience of conceiving, carrying and giving birth to a child is one of the greatest miracles I have ever had the privilege of experiencing.  But even then, it can be so tempting, just months after you go through that miraculous high of having a baby, to find yourself complaining about all the challenges that come with a newborn.  The messes, the laundry, the lack of sleep....  Yes, it's HARD.  Life is hard...no one ever said it would be easy did they?

Miracles can come in all shapes and sizes.  This week, Lawson chose to give us his first laugh and roll over for the first time.  Today, my miracles were when Sienna's teacher told me she had very empathetically offered a toy to another crying child in her class and gotten the other little girl to stop crying.  And when I got home, the second miracle was that Carter and Reese were busily working in their room, unprompted, to clean it very thoroughly.

There are sweet little paper valentines sitting all over my counter and tables throughout the house because they kids have been making them every day this week.  The love of a child, so endearing, so innocent, so accepting of me, even though I can be grumpy and demanding, and feel like I'm failing at this parenting alltogether...that's another miracle.

WOMD

Is this the face of a little monster???

...that's Wailing Of Mass Destruction, in case you were wondering.  It grates on you like fingernails on a chalkboard...it's powerful enough to make you shiver and shake.  You hear it, even when there is silence...it's haunts your very thoughts.  And, just when you thought the baby was asleep and you would have a few moments of quiet, chances are the hypothetical 2-year-old who may live in your house will choose this moment to have a sobbing spree.

I am a victim of WOMD...it has taken our house by storm and there's no escaping it now.  Maybe I'll ask Santa for some noise-cancelling earphones for Christmas this year...

Chaos x4

Embrace Total Chaos.  That is my new mantra...

I was wearing a new shirt the other morning for a couple of hours and kept thinking to myself, "I must have shrunk this shirt in the wash.  The neck feels really tight."  Only when I was brushing my teeth and starting back at my tired self in the mirror did it hit me, I was wearing it backwards....

Such simple things as feeding the kids breakfast, or getting them ready to go somewhere seem to have ballooned into these epic two-hour long events.  This morning it took me 40 minutes to get Reese, Sienna and Lawson ready to see Carter's soccer game.  By the time we got there the game was almost over.  This was because before we could leave, I had to start a load of laundry so Sienna had diapers to wear today, Sienna needed a diaper change, Lawson needed a diaper change, the girls needed shoes and coats and a bag full of 20 library books to read on the two minute car ride, the girls needed to have their drinks, Lawson spit up all over his shirt....well you get the picture.  Once we got there, while trying to unload everyone, Sienna HAD to have a "mint" (Altoid) from my purse that very second.  And so when I turned away to get the baby out of the car she unzipped my pursed and dumped all of my mints out onto the pavement.  When I turned back around she was popping one happily in her mouth and picking up the rest and putting them back in the case.  Anyone who witnessed this must have been thinking, "Now there is a mom who has really got it together."  HA!

After lunch the kids went outside to play for a bit and were surprised by how cold it was.  So out came all of the winter gear.  Reese was so cold apparently, she was still wearing her raincoat and a pink fleece hat for a good two hours after they had come back inside.  Sienna didn't want to feel left out so she too was wearing Carter's hat and gloves, but no pants...makes perfect sense if you're cold.  (and two). After dinner when I changed Reese for church, I realized she had been wearing long underwear under her pants all day.  

We attended Saturday evening church this week just to see how it went.  We managed to leave on time somehow, but realized after we had left that we forgot to change the baby's diaper.  So once we parked I attempted to squeeze between the middle seats and lay him on the floor and change him.  The problem was, my hips were too wide to fit between the seats, so I had to turn kinda sideways while changing.  Of course he had chosen this car trip to have his first leaky poopy diaper.  Oh, and I had laid him on my new winter coat to change him before I knew it was a leaky poopy diaper, so at this point my execution had to be flawless.  You want to know pressure??...try changing a leaky poopy diaper on a skinny squirmy newborn while you are smashed between two seats in a minivan with three other children yelling at you to "hurry up" and asking "when can we get out?"  

2 weeks down...

 
Well, we officially survived the first two weeks!  Lawson gets the gold star for being the most laid-back and contented Berad Baby so far.  He is a dream compared to other children in this house who will go unnamed (SIENNA).  He cries far less than other children in this house who will go unnamed (SIENNA).  He naps peacefully and often, unlike other children in this house who clearly still need naps but refuse to take them (SIENNA!!!)

Carter absolutely loves Lawson and loves to hold him and talk to him.  He likes to lay next to him on the floor when we do tummy time and he shows him how to do a push-up so his arms can get stronger.  It is adorable!  Tonight he was holding him on the couch and gave him the sweetest little kiss on the forehead when it was time for him to go to bed.  It warms my heart to see him so attentive to his new little brother.

We had visitors yesterday and I needed to nurse the baby so I was using my nursing cover.  The kids aren't used to this and Sienna came over, very curious.  "Where's baby Lawson?" she asked me.  "He's eating," I told her.  "Where is he?" she asked again, visibly confused.  She climbed up next to me and looked down the little opening at the top to see what was under the cover.  "I found him!!!" she exclaimed.  I could not stop laughing.

I told Carter this afternoon that it looked like Lawson's cord stump was going to fall off today.  I told him it would be a good day for his front tooth to fall out too. This tooth has been hanging on for over a month now.  It is so loose and so crooked...it is hanging way over to the side and sticks out when he smiles.  Lawson did lose the cord, but the tooth is still going strong.  Maybe tomorrow...

Sleepy Time

 We've got one week of four kids under our belts now....and I must say, it's truly exhausting.  Lawson has honestly been a pretty decent baby so far...his crying is tolerable for sure, he sleeps fairly well at night for a newborn.  Last night he even slept two three hour stretches.  Problem was, half-way into the second stretch another little person was standing next to my bed trying to claw the blankets right off of me.  ( Not naming any names...SIENNA!!!)

The kids are doing pretty well with adjusting to a new sibling.  Sienna is still the toughest but we expected that.  Carter and Reese are adjusting to sharing a room pretty well...although they were gabbing till almost 10:30 last night.






I've been trying to sit in the tub once a day for a few minutes to soak and relax...and Sienna has caught on and thinks now it's fun Mommy/Daughter time.  She wanted to join me the other morning and took her clothes off..climbed right in and sat on my lap and immediately peed on me.  "My peed!" was her delighted reaction.  I was NOT as delighted.

Brotherly (and sisterly) love...

 Well, we survived Day 4 of being a four-kid-house.  Carter is still completely enthralled with his little brother.  I love seeing his excitement and joy when he sees Lawson and gets to hold him.  These are certainly precious moments I will always treasure.

Lawson is doing pretty well at night...he seems to do at least one longer stretch each night, which means I am still semi-coherent during the day.

 Sienna is still having a tougher time adjusting to not being the baby anymore...however she really seems to love Lawson at the same time.  Derrick gave her the special privilege of feeding him a bottle today while I was out for a little bit.  She was quite clearly in absolute heaven!

Oh, the twinkle in those eyes!

Sienna, feeding "my baby"

Lawson

He is finally here!  After all those months it is hard to believe our little Lawson has arrived...and 9 days early too...nice job buddy!  I started to feel labor pains around 2 am Thursday (the 18th) morning and by 6 am, I had to wake Derrick up to give him fair warning that we were going to have a baby that day. My doula came by 8 am and after we were certain traffic would be OK, we left around 9 for the hospital.  I was in some pretty intense pain by then but not wanting to get my hopes up too much for a faster labor.  When I arrived, there were so many women in labor we had to wait in the waiting room, then a Triage check-in room, then a makeshift triage room that just had a curtain for privacy.  There I was checked and found to be 9 cm.  There were no labor and delivery rooms open so they moved me to a larger triage room that at least had a door and that's where Lawson was born.  We were at the hospital for less than three hours, so it was pretty quick this time...of course it never seems quick while it's all going down!

 He was 7 lb. 3 oz and 19 1/4 inches long...he screamed the second he was born and since then he has barely cried at all.  I can't believe it but I might have finally gotten a mellow baby!  And he really likes to sleep too...we actually got a few consecutive hours of sleep the first night he was home last night.

The kids are all really excited about him, especially Carter.  He wants to hold him all the time.  Sienna also wants to hold him and it always saying "My pet him" while she strokes his bushy little head of hair.  She also calls him, "My baby" and gets very upset when we take him away from her.

There are moments since we got home that I can still hardly believe we are a family of 6!!!  It is all very overwhelming and I feel very blessed to have these wonderful children.

"The Boys"