A Debt Too Great...

Waiting for our "rescuer" to arrive with my wallet

 Nothing seemed to go as planned today.  But that was OK...we know how to roll with the punches around here...that's just our "normal."

I was hoping to give my dear husband an hour or two of quiet in the house this afternoon and took the four younger kids out to go to the grocery store and library.  What I failed to realize however, until our cart was overflowing with groceries and we were standing in the checkout line, was that I had inadvertently left my wallet at home.  I had my purse, filled with everything necessary for survival, except money to pay for our food.  Oh, how could I be so foolish???

Sheepishly, I told the cashier of my dilemma and said, "I need to call my husband."  A minute later, after I explained the situation to him, he was en route to Trader Joe's to rescue us. Of course, it was at the peak of rush hour by now, making his trip an even longer and more frustrating one.  I took the kids out to the van to wait.  Fortunately we had bags of library books for them to read and Trader Joe's lollipops to enjoy while we waited.  As I sat there, feeling totally defeated and doubting my abilities completely, an excited little voice spoke up from the backseat. 

"Everything's OK Mama!  We can pay for our groceries!  I've been saving money in my cup holder and I have SO much.  Two quarters, four nickels, five dimes.  We can go back in and pay for everything."

My heart just melted right then and there.  Sweet Sienna...how much you wanted to help but how far short your meager savings fell from equaling our debt.  It was a debt too great for us to pay with what we could cobble together in the minivan.

My husband arrived...our rescuer... and offered to go back inside and pay, saving me the embarrassment of showing my face again.  I took the kids to the library.  And as I sat there in that sun-filled room, waiting for the kids to gather up 100 new books and looking through picture books with Eva, my heart kept dwelling on that debt that was so far out of my capabilities to pay...what a feeling that was.  I felt utterly helpless...lost...without hope... until my husband, our rescuer, arrived.

How great is the debt I owe for all of my sins and faults and doesn't my Lord Jesus take on this debt, daily, on my behalf.  He forgives it ALL.  And yet, somehow, I forget that He does this for me...I take it for granted...my debt so great...so beyond my capabilities to pay.  But He, my Rescuer, has taken on my debt, and yours.  He bears the sins of those who believe on His shoulders so that we might stand, totally forgiven before God.

The beautiful words of Isaiah 53:5 remind me that, "He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement of our peace was upon Him; and with His stripes we are healed."

Today I was faced with the very real dilemma of a debt that was far too great for me to pay...and it reminded me of a debt far greater, but that has already been paid in full for me. 

Into the Cathedral...

Yesterday morning was the first crisp, cool morning we've had in quite a while.  Though I love summer and hate to see it nearing an end, I grabbed hold of this opportunity to get outside with the kids on a day that wasn't oppressively hot and go for a hike.  We began our school year, in earnest, this week and what better way to have "Science" class than taking a hike in the woods on a beautiful day?  As we trekked through the woods together, I looked up into the canopy of the trees, trees that have taken decades to grow so high, and I marveled...







I step away from my man-made existence and venture into the cathedral.  God's creation opens my eyes to so many things that I miss every day when I don't leave the house.

As we hiked I heard a bird song I recognized.  I stopped for just a minute to listen...and enjoy...because I know the bird that makes this song.  Day after day this summer, I've heard this same type of bird calling out in the woods across the street from our house.  I've heard it many times in the past, but only since June have I been able to identify what bird it is.  That is because we had the fantastic experience of catching a red-eyed vireo on our Neighborhood Nestwatch day this year.  Our amazing ornithologist friend who facilitates the study spent a few minutes talking about this beautiful forest-dwelling bird and specifically told us what its song sounds like.  Now, whenever I hear it, a smile creeps over my face.  I am able to appreciate the song so much more, knowing who it is that is singing it. 

This past week, Eva was outside with me in the middle of the day.  We were lying on our backs on the trampoline, looking up at the clouds and she asked me, "Mama, where is the moon?  I can't see the moon."  "You can't see it right now, Eva, but it's still there," I told her.  How could I truly explain this to a 2 year old child?  This is the essence of faith, believing in what the eye cannot see...trusting wholeheartedly in its existence even when it is not visible.

Red-Eyed Vireo

It astonishes me, really, how confidently I rush through so many of my days.  How much faith I put in things going a certain way without even realizing it...that the sun will rise, that there will be clean, fresh air to breath, that everyone in my family will wake up healthy and well...that the moon is still out there, even when I can't see it...

I gain a new perspective on faith when I ponder these things.  It took me 39 years to be able to identify a red-eyed vireo song.  How much more do I still have to learn in whatever number of days and years I may have left on this earth?  How will my perspective on God change as I pour over His Word and seek to know Him more deeply day after day?  Though I can't physically see Him, I know He is near.  Though I have but a vague concept of Him, how much of Him do I have yet to grasp...can I even begin to grasp, with my feeble human mind?


Venturing into the cathedral is truly thrilling because I know the One Who made all of this.  I know Him and love Him and I know that He loves me.  Oh, how He loves me!

My humble prayer is this, O Lord God...though my mind and this world would constantly tell me to doubt in your goodness, in your constant presence, fill me with a peace, with a determined and confident faith, and with the desire to keep experiencing MORE of You.  Open my eyes, broaden my understanding and my perspective.  Let me not overlook the everyday miracles You are doing.  When all I see in front of me is sorrow and trials and chaos, I ask that you lift my eyes to the cathedral.  Remind me, every day when I wake, of how much I have yet to learn, and give me the faith to see beyond what is only visible and the strength to never give up.  

Will You Flinch?

We found a silly TV series on Netflix that we've been watching with the older kids for the past two nights called "Flinch".  The premise of the show is to make the contestants flinch by subjecting them to all kinds of bizarre scenarios.  A few manage to keep a straight face through the entire competition but most fail, and fail miserably.

As I sat watching tonight, I kept asking the kids, "Do you think you could keep your cool in that situation?  Do you think you would flinch?"

Sometimes, that is a hard question to answer...we don't know our own strength until we are put to the test.  We don't know what we are fully capable of until we've suffered or experienced hardship.

Today we took the kids peach and apple picking.  The peaches were finishing up and due to the end of the season, many peaches were falling to the ground and rotting...and covered in bees.  And sure enough, just 15 minutes in, Carter was stung multiple times.  He told us a large honeybee landed on his leg and he panicked and tried to shake it off.  I told him that the best thing to do is be still and not move.  But that's hard to remember when a huge bee is sitting on your leg!

When you are faced with a sudden and unexpected situation, will you flinch?  When there is an accident, an illness, a crisis, how will you react and to whom will you turn for help?  Will you remember the story of Christ, asleep in the bottom of a boat while a ferocious storm raged around Him and the disciples?  Will you remember to trust Him, to stay calm, to press on in your faith as if nothing were wrong?

All to often we resort to panic.  We flinch in our faith...in our trust...and we falter.

I read the beautiful words of Psalm 36 this week and it reminded me again that God is a God worth putting our full faith and trust in.  We can count on and rely on Him, even in our trials and tests.

Psalm 36:5-9
Your unfailing love, O Lord, is as vast as the heavens;
your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds.
Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains,
your justice like the ocean depths.
You care for people and animals alike, O Lord.
How precious is your unfailing love, O God!
All humanity finds shelter, in the shadow of your wings.
You feed them from the abundance of your own house,
letting them drink from your river of delights.
For you are the fountain of life, the light by which we see.









Thank you, Dear God, for a loving kindness that stretches beyond my comprehension.  Thank you for being the light by which I can see what is real and trustworthy and true.  Thank you for Your unfailing love...which I can put my faith in and fully depend on.  With You God, I am unshakable.

Compassion...

 I could see her lip quivering a little, realization creeping in.  Her little "pet's" life may be nearing an end.  A week and a half ago an unfortunate monarch hatched from his chrysalis that had been accidentally squished by Sienna.  We assumed, after she set a jar on top the chrysalis, that it would never hatch.  When the monarch emerged, it's body was fine but it's wings were a sorry, tattered mess.  It could not fly at all.

That first day we didn't know what to do.  Reese kept checking and checking on it, hoping for a miracle, hoping, somehow, it would be able to fly.  That evening before dark she set it on a flower in the backyard, hoping for the best.

The following morning, the monarch was nowhere to be found.  We counted this as a blessing as none of us wanted to watch it suffer, nor did we have it in our hearts to snuff out its life.  But then, four days later, Reese found the monarch on the floor of our shed, emaciated and clinging to life.

Since then, for the past week, she has been feeding and caring for it.  It's little body plumped right back up from her steady administration of sugar water.  She has picked a fresh, new sunflower every couple of days for it to rest on...so it feels right at home living in our house.

I've watched my daughter, and marveled at her persistence, her patience, her kindness.  It reminds me of the way God reaches down to care for us, even when our lives appear to be a hopeless mess.  He'll go out of His way to save that one little lost sheep.  He never, no NEVER gives up on us, never leaves or forsakes us, never leads us astray.

Tonight, before she went up to bed, Reese was tearing up because the butterfly hadn't been eating for most of the day.  I know that this one week of caring for a little hopelessly handicapped butterfly will stick in her mind for the rest of her life.  I hope that Reese will never lose this gift of compassionate care for others.  And I hope that she will, if she ever finds herself in a desperate place, remember that she has an abundantly compassionate God Who cares for her more deeply than she could ever imagine.

1 John 3:1 How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!  And that is what we are!

He must become greater...I must become less...

I could feel the muscles in my neck tensing up.  The baby was down for a nap for the first time this week.  Three of the kids have been sick this week.  Sleep has been touch and go.  My to-do list is a mile long and growing.  Guilt is creeping up on me for all the things I am not doing.  And things are...well...rough!

"God, I don't have it in me to keep going.  I'm exhausted.  My house is a wreck.  I don't even know where to begin now that I have a few minutes to think...."  My thoughts trail off as I hear the clothes dryer timer buzzing, signaling yet another to-do to add to the list.

His answer surprised me...but it shouldn't have.

"No, you don't have the strength....but I do."

And a verse then followed...

John 3:30 "He must become greater; I must become less."

But HOW do I keep this in the forefront of my mind?  Why do I keep arriving at this place of discouragement and defeat when I know where the answer lies?  It's all about Him...this is way beyond my capabilities anymore.

Why is it always about me?  My comfort, my desires, my feelings, my time....and not about Him, worshiping Him, glorifying Him, praising Him, seeking Him, learning about Him.

This week I've been studying Romans and there is a passage that I've read so many times that was explained to me in a very meaningful way.  The passage is found in Romans 7:15-20 and reads,

" I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.  For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it."

This seems a rambling passage, written by Paul, compared with his other writings.  He seems to be in great torment.  He's trapped, doing things he regrets again and again and again.  He can't get out of the cycle of sin, of discontent, of pushing God aside.  And that, this pastor pointed out, is precisely why Paul is trapped in this cycle.  Again and again and again, Paul uses the word "I" in this paragraph.  It is only when we can get beyond the "I" and look to "Him" that we find rest, peace, comfort, strength, help...

God is able.  I am not.  Period.

He must become greater...












So, right here, right now, I sit down and surrender, God.  Show me what is truly important for me to do today.  Show me what is the best use of my time.  Shield me from the attacks of the enemy, that tell me I will never be enough, or do enough.  Be my strength and my rest even in this storm.











I fix my eyes on Him, because everywhere else that I turn them I see a mess.  There is beauty right outside my window when I take the time and just look.  There is beauty, even in my messes, when I focus on Him.  He isn't overwhelmed by my tiny problems.  He isn't wringing His hands at the thought of folding another load of laundry, or cleaning another dirty bathroom, or by the amount of grass and dirt the kids track through the entire house every single day.

More of You, God....more of You I pray...

Star-Studded Skies and Butterflies

Butterfly season is now upon us!  In my house that means a dining room table covered in jars and bins of caterpillars and chrysalises.  We've already had up to 11 butterflies hatch on a single day and still have sooooo many more to go.  This is time consuming, delicate work, but there is still something so rewarding in the miracle of a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly.  So as long as the kids enjoy this summer rescue mission, we will continue to raise butterflies and release them.

There's something to be said for finding summer activities that force you to slow down, whether it's taking a few minutes to watch a butterfly flit from flower to flower, or sitting on the deck late at night, head tilted back, just gazing up at the stars.

Time....time to appreciate....time to marvel...time to wonder.

I purchased a couple of hummingbird hand feeders from our local Agway last year.  I realize it was wishful thinking...that I'd actually be able to attract the attention of a hummingbird and convince it to eat right out of the palm of my hand.  Or that I'd even have the time to stand outside long enough with my arm up in the air...waiting.


Sienna and Carter wanted to give the little feeders a try this week.  So one night they did stand outside....waiting...and waiting...and waiting.  Finally they set the feeders down near our regular hummingbird feeder and took seats on the deck to watch and wait.  Within minutes, a hummingbird appeared, but where they least expected it.  It came right up to the flower pot on the deck, just feet away from where they were sitting!

Watching them brought a smile to my face.  Seeing their persistence and excitement about seeing a hummingbird close-up brought me joy.  At what point do we allow ourselves to become jaded by miracles...so jaded we don't even see them anymore?






I heard something on the radio just this week that made me stop and think.  The speaker was commenting on the fact that the closest star to earth is the sun, which is about 93 million miles away.  But in spite of this, if a single cloud blocks out the light of the sun for even a minute, you can instantly feel a difference in the temperature.  What a marvelous Creator God we have!  Who cared enough to craft delicate butterflies and an enormous ball of gas millions of miles away to keep us alive. 

Job 12:7-10 (NIV) “But ask the animals, and they will teach you, or the birds in the sky, and they will tell you; or speak to the earth, and it will teach you, or let the fish in the sea inform you.  Which of all these does not know that the hand of the Lord has done this? In his hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind.

I Was Blind, but Now I See

 God, please help me not miss the things that truly matter, that are really important, because I am always so wrapped up in the things that aren't...

We were making a quick stop at Target a couple days ago.  I had already ordered and paid for the items we needed and all we needed to do was run in and pick them up at the customer service desk.  Easy peasy, right??  Lawson saw an abandoned shopping cart as soon as we hopped out of the car and asked if he could push it into the store.  The heat must have been blurring my judgement that morning because I said yes, and off he went, excitedly pushing the huge cart at top speed.  He rounded the corner of the store and headed straight for the entrance and immediately, I realized my error.  He was running at full speed with the cart...straight for the only set of doors that are not automatic.  I tried to yell, but my cries to "STOP" fell on deaf ears. He crashed the cart right into the doors, and somehow, amazingly, they did not shatter into a million pieces.  I heaved a huge sigh of relief, having no idea how we'd dodged that bullet.  Another shopper who was standing outside to smoke a cigarette started gagging and choking as he nearly swallowed his cigarette trying not to laugh at this comical exchange.  Embarrassed, I left him to remove the cigarette from his throat and quickly we made our way into the store. 

Pushing the cart and going fast were Lawson's primary objectives that morning.  Steering and using the correct doorways were obviously not as high on his agenda.  Sometimes the path is marked out so clearly, yet we blissfully forge ahead, ignoring all the warning signs.  We're so intent on doing things our way that we never stop to consider there might be another better way.

I know I often miss blessings scattered throughout my days, because I'm choosing to focus my attention on other things, to allow worries to creep in and dominate my thoughts, to allow "the schedule" or my "to do list" to dictate how my time is spent and where all my attention is focused.  I'm missing out...blind to the magnificent reality that surrounds me.  I'm careening off course and straight for a terrible crash and all the while God is calling out to me, warning me of my error.  But will I listen?

Psalm 119:105 MSG  

By Your words I can see where I'm going; 

they throw a beam of light on my dark path.