Survival

Huddled up on the hill together in a brief rain shower yesterday, the three kids sat giggling.  When I walked over to ask what they were doing, they told me, "We're playing "Survival."  "Oh OK," I said, "What do you do in Survival?"  "We have our tent to hide under."




I went back inside a few minutes later to find Sienna grabbing lollipops out of the pantry.  "What are you doing?"  "We need lollipops," she told me emphatically.


A few minutes after that I checked on them again, "We're eating leaves now and camouflaging ourselves!!"  Oh no...they didn't....but yes they did.  They were eating leaves off the birch tree and coloring their faces, hands, legs and feet with markers.



Pause...this somber moment hits me throughout the day every day now...that moment of realization that someone very dear to me is no longer present on this earth.  And I begin my own game of "Survival".  I will need more than an umbrella and leaves and a lollipop to make it though.  I will need strength...and not just human strength.  I will need a strength that can only come from the Lord.





Psalm 121 says...

"I lift my eyes to the mountains -
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
the maker of Heaven and earth."

It is OK to laugh...my children have been showing me that all week.  Whether it's coloring their faces in camouflage, talking to my Mom on the phone about her "biting kitties", or burying the dog in the sandbox.  They breathe new life into me at every turn and give me assurance that life will move on and that good things will happen again...are even happening right now.

The Whole Story...

I was sitting in the family room this morning with Sienna...she wanted to read a few books.  So we sat down together with Lawson on my lap and she ran to the bookshelf excitedly to grab a few selections.  The kids' cousins had just given us some hand-me-down books and one of them was a 150 page volume about George Washington.  (Clearly not 2 1/2-year-old material!)  So I gently told her, "Sienna, you are too little for this book."  "No, Mama, "she adamantly proclaimed, "Read it!"  "No Sienna," I tried again, "This book is too long for you."  "Read it, Mama! Read it!"  We went back and forth like this for a couple of minutes, and I could not convince her otherwise.  So I started to flip through the book and every once in a while there was a black and white picture with a small caption.  I read a couple of these captions to her...and quickly enough, she lost interest and turned to a Dr. Seuss book that was more up her alley.

And as I was setting the George Washington book aside, this thought suddenly hit me...isn't that the very same conversation I have been having with God all week?

In the wake of my dear brother's death, I have been asking God again and again, "Why?"  "Give me some reason for this, God."  "Can't you explain to me the "Story" that is playing out here?"  "This just doesn't seem right."  And God, very lovingly, very patiently, is looking down on me right now saying, "Oh Shelley...what you ask of Me is not something for you to know right now.  I can't reveal the whole Story to you.  This is a Story that is far too complex, far too detailed, far to intense for your human mind to grasp.  But this you must know.  I am in control...I LOVE you...and even when everything seems to be going wrong, you can still (and always) put your hope in ME."

God gives us a piece of the Story...the Bible.  He lovingly placed these words together for us as a guidebook to follow.  But He never implies that we will have all the answers.  He requires us to Trust in Him.  

All my life, thus far, God has used these most trying moments to bring me to a new level of faith.  Again and again I have seen His hand working during the times I am tempted to throw up my hands in utter defeat.  

“Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”

 C.S. Lewis

Here is my story of how God has spoken in my pain.

My first recollection of an "Ah ha-moment" in my life with when I was 12 years old.  I had a persistent pain in my knee that ultimately led to many tests being run and finally one bright sunny day, sitting in a hospital room in Cooper Hospital with my Mom by my side to hear a doctor saying, "We think that your daughter has cancer."  This was so far beyond what any of us could have comprehended would happen, it completely shocked us and blew us out of the water.  And this was a pivotal moment for me, a wake up call to take my faith seriously.  Eventually they determined it was not cancer but a benign growth that would go away on its own.  But I had a realization at the age of 12 that life is delicate and precious and can change in an instant.  God taught me not to take anything for granted...

As the years passed, and I read more and more of the Bible, I formed a deeper relationship with God.  In the two year period leading up to my 21st birthday I lost a grandmother to a horrific battle with cancer, my adopt-a-grandmother who I had visited at college for three years, and then my grandfather's health began to rapidly decline.  I was able to take all my finals early in the spring of 2001 to get home to be with my family, knowing his time was near.  And on the morning of my 21st birthday, the phone rang very early.  I picked it up and it was my grandmother, telling us to come soon...my grandfather would not make it much longer.  So I spent that morning of my 21st birthday, sitting by the bedside of a man who's body was wracked by cancer.  And my grandmother sat devotedly by his side and whispered to him as he was taking his last breaths, "Goodnight, Sweetheart.  I'll see you in the morning."  That was real faith...that was, in the flesh, the "peace that passes all understanding."  God taught me that faith does not waver in times of trouble and pain. 

In the Fall of 2013, I lost my other Grandmother at the age of 95.  In our family she was like the bedrock that held everyone else together.  Losing her, in spite of my confidence that she was in Heaven, was extremely difficult.  Here was a woman who had literally prayed for me every single day for my entire life.  But God was saying to me, even in this, Trust and Obey.  Take what you have learned and carry on the torch that has been passed to you...

On the evening of April 1st in 2014, I received the most shocking and mind-blowing news of my life.  A dear friend of mine whom I had known for 12 years had done the unthinkable.  She'd put her older son on the school bus, gone inside and filled up the bathtub, and proceeded to put her two younger sons in the tub, sit on top of them and drown them both.  "How can this be, God?"  "What did I miss?"  "Why didn't I call her today...maybe this could have been stopped?"  "How could this possibly fit into Your plan?"  And God answered me..."Watch, Wait and Trust"  And God has indeed used this tragedy to give me the opportunity time and time again over the past year to help and encourage and witness to person after person in my life because of this tragedy...

This past Monday night, when yet again I received the most awful news imaginable, I cried out to God.  "Why did you take Ed?"  "Why didn't I get in touch with him more lately?"  "Wasn't there some way this could have been stopped?"  "How God, oh HOW does this fit into your Story for my life?"  And then there was that incident with the book this morning while reading to Sienna.  It silenced my protests...it stopped me in my tracks...

I posted this quote on Facebook back in January...

Hope is not the conviction that something will turn out well but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out. ~ Vaclav Havel

God is the Author...He has a perfect plan in everything.  My finite human mind cannot begin to comprehend what He has in store for me or how He might possibly use this new trial in my life or the lives of many others.  He can't always give us the answers or the outcomes we wish for and a big part of faith requires us to trust in Him, even when nothing makes sense, even when the Story seems to be all wrong.  God has taught me this week to share His love with others, to be bold in my faith in spite of my human doubts and struggles to understand, and to wait on Him for understanding when everything seems to be turned upside-down.

Never a day for granted

Isaiah 40:29-31

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
Even youth grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall.

BUT THOSE WHO HOPE IN THE LORD WILL RENEW THEIR STRENGTH.

They will soar on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

On the hardest night of my life, this song kept replaying over and over and over again in my head...

Sharp Shooters and Star Gazers

The kids had a chance to try archery last week and they absolutely LOVED it.  I mean, I could not drag them away Loved It!  I think we may have some archery lessons in our future.  Turns out our area has the highest concentration of archery in the world!?  Who knew.  Well they sure did have fun trying to hit all different targets that we set up in the yard we went to.

Derrick and I were amazed two nights ago when Sienna and Lawson BOTH slept soundly after putting them to bed without waking up.  Probably the first night that has happened...ever!  So we went out with the telescope we are borrowing to do some sky watching and we were able to see, very clearly, Jupiter with 4 moons orbiting it and Saturn.  It was so amazing.  We were out there in the freezing cold till almost midnight.

It's not like you don't see pictures of Saturn all the time, but when you see it with your own eyes, it does give you a new appreciation for how AMAZING our world is.  There is so much of it that we take for granted...so much we don't even think about...EVER.  I've been reading Carter an Astronomy book for school this year and I've been enjoying it myself...learning so much I never knew about the planets and our solar system.  It only gives me an even greater appreciation for how God so carefully and thoughtfully planned everything out to give us the world we live in.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Birthdays are so over rated.  I mean...it's not that I don't like them, but they give you this dang sense of self-entitlement...this feeling like it's your "Special Day" and that everything should go smoothly and be all fun and relaxing.  Plus now that there's Facebook, you've got 48 friends all telling you, "Have a great day!!!"  "Hope the kids take it easy on you!"  "Hope you get to kick back and relax!!!"  Uh, yea right.  hahaha

My birthday began as every day in my house does...I was rudely awoken to screams at 6:30 AM.  What's not to love about that??  Not to mention everyone was getting over some yucky colds that took us out of commission for the whole weekend.

I thought I'd do something special with the kids early in the morning so we made driveway paint and they had fun doing that for a little while.  Sienna thought the dog needed some paint on her too...why not!?

I thought the kids might enjoy a visit to Soergel's Farm so we went there for about an hour later in the morning.  Of course it was necessary during that time for both kids to need to go to the bathroom and Sienna to have a diaper change.

We got home and had groceries to unpack, so I asked Carter and Reese to help...which was met by wails of "Why do we have to!?"  They did finally carry things in from the car and started to take some downstairs to the storage area while I changed two diapers. Then I heard the vacuum cleaner running...and I thought to myself..."My kids never vacuum...this is not good." Turns out while I was changing Lawson, Sienna had taken the Sam's Club Size container of cornstarch that I'd just opened that morning to make the paint for the driveway and chucked it down the steps.  Also turns out the lid wasn't quite on tight so it exploded all down the steps and all over the floor at the bottom of the steps. "Don't worry," Carter told me, "We scooped as much as we could back into the container."  Apparently they also carried the container into the bathroom where Reese dropped it again!?  So there was another cornstarch explosion in there.

 That evening Carter had soccer practice, so he and Derrick left right after dinner.  Sienna found Carter's iPhone that has this Bird Call App which makes many different bird noises...my Mom gave it to him to play with.  It's really neat except that Sienna got a hold of it and somehow set it to play the Pileated Woodpecker call which is quite loud and quite annoying when you hear it over and over and over again.  I couldn't figure out how to shut it off.  Finally I did turn the volume way down.

Then Reese's friend who is very afraid of dogs, came over to play for a little bit and Sienna kept trying to let the dog outside over and over again.

 Carter and Derrick came home early since it was storming, thank goodness!!, and they wanted to do the cake.  We lit the candles and they started to sing...and Sienna blew all the candles out herself before we even  finished singing Happy Birthday.

After cake Derrick took all the kids on the couch to read books.  I thought, "Now I can have 5 minutes to use the bathroom uninterrupted."  I know...the bar was set really high after such a long day.  But I was disappointed to walk in and see that the toilet was clogged with what looked like half a roll of toilet paper.  And after I got that unclogged I turned around to find the hand towel sitting in the sink, sopping wet.  Oh, and they'd ripped the toilet paper holder off the wall...again.  Relaxing...relaxing...relaxing...

My little angels!!

Early Sun...and the Bun Run

 In spite of all four kids being sick (again!) we are still managing to get out and about.  The weather has been so amazing again all week...the leaves are bursting out on the trees, flowers are everywhere.  The bluebirds have built another nest and have 5 eggs in it in our bird box.

Lawson finally cut his first tooth today...and he was MISERABLE!!!  He had me up at 4:45 AM today and that was after he was up until after midnight last night.  I am FEELING IT!!!  Hope he sleeps better tonight.

 Being up early did have one perk though...seeing a really amazing sunrise this morning right out my kitchen window.  That does help a weary soul to find joy even on the difficult days.

 This afternoon we took the kids to a really cute and fun activity at the local animal shelter....the "Bun Run"!  They loved it!!  Basically a room filled with 20 loose bunnies, all ready to be petted.  The kids had so much fun seeing all the different bunnies.  They sure were cute!  (Auntie V would love this and Reese has decided she needs to go with us next time she is here.)  :)

Dairy Queen

We've had another typical week here in the Berad home...and by that I mean C-R-A-Z-Y.  Of course, much of this craze can be attributed to our third child, who continues to test us daily with her moods and screamy-ness.  (I realize that's not a word...but it should be!)  Let me give you just a few examples of her latest tricks...

Mother's Day morning we were awakened early by Sienna screaming in her crib.  Now we did need to get up early for church anyway, so it wasn't too bad, but when Derrick went in to get her she just screamed at him "No, I want Mama!"  You might be tempted to think, "Oh that's sweet, she wants her mommy on Mother's Day."  No...don't even think it was like that.  He went in a second time and was only met with the same screaming protest.  When I was finished getting ready I did go in.  She met me with her cunning little grin and said, "I broke my crib."  Sure enough, she had once again pulled the entire back panel off her crib from jumping in it while she screamed for me.  (not the first time.)

She wanted to put her own shoes on, and just before leaving we noticed that she had on a black shoe and a purple shoe (both on the wrong feet of course!).  But, in typical fashion we were running late and forgot to change the shoes.  So when we got there, Derrick just switched them to the right feet and there she went into Sunday school with two different shoes.

We are pretty sure this shoe on the wrong foot thing is something she does on purpose.  Not sure why, my theory is that she does it just to get under our skin because she ALWAYS puts her shoes on the wrong feet.  I just don't understand...

While eating a delicious Mother's Day dinner, Sienna turned to me and said, "It smells like poop."  Not sure if she meant the dinner or just my house in general.

We went for a nice walk around the neighborhood on Sunday night...it was almost bedtime by the time we got home and as we were coming inside, Sienna slipped right out the door into the backyard.  When I realized she wasn't inside, I looked out and there she was, sitting in the baby pool (which of course still had water in it) in all of her clothes.

Sienna has been catching up on her dairy intake ever since she was sick with the stomach bug.  She's been LOVING all of the little half pints of milk we bought on our dairy tour last week.  And she's eaten at least two containers of yogurt a day, every day since she got better.  Last week she was eating a cheese stick and dipping it into her chocolate yogurt, then eating it.  Today, her breakfast consisted of chocolate yogurt and chocolate milk.  I know, I am a horrible parent for allowing this.  She has broken my will to argue at 7 am.  If you had someone screaming at you every single morning for 2 and a half years you'd be broken too.  If you think I'm exaggerating, c'mon over around 6:30 and see for yourself how "fun" my mornings are.

Tonight Sienna requested her favorite bedtime snack of "cereal with milk."  I kinda try to shy away from it or skimp on the milk because she makes such a mess with it when she drinks the milk out of the bowl.  But anyway, I got it for her and put it on the table.  She came over and sat down and said, "Wow, this does look amazing!"  Thank you, Sienna, for making all of my days interesting...

Reese decided to play with her sewing kit today.  I was in and out of her room trying to help her, while trying to do about a million other things this morning.  She seemed to be doing alright but I kept telling her to be careful with the needles.  At bedtime tonight, the kit was strewn all over her floor and she very nonchalantly told Derrick that she "lost all of the needles in the carpet."  UGH!!!  "How many needles were there?" Derrick asked her... "I don't know." she said.  Needless to say, I had to drag the vacuum up before bedtime tonight...  Oh, Reese!

Fun in the Sun

 It's been quite a week...Not only has the weather been absolutely gorgeous, and extremely HOT!, but we are so thankful that Nani and Pop Pop have a house in Pittsburgh now!  We enjoyed having them here for a few days and helping them get a few things set up in their lovely new home.

I am so thankful today, on Mother's Day, for my Mom....who is so selfless when she comes to visit, always offering to help me with whatever I need.   She has always been there for me..praying for me, encouraging me, never giving up on me.  I owe so much of my faith and who I am today to her tireless efforts in raising me and setting an example for me in the way she lives. I am so blessed to have parents willing to pick up and move to a whole new state so they can be near our family.  I am well aware of the tremendous sacrifice this is for them to make at this stage in their lives and just feel so humbled and blessed that they would do this.  I hope they will absolutely love it in their new home!

 Carter and Lawson had a fun time in the baby pool for Lawson's first time "swimming" today...

 Everyone loves Nani's deck with the awesome view and the fun hammock...

Carter made us all so proud at his soccer game on Saturday where he scored 10 goals and had an amazing save with only seconds left in the game.  Go Carter!!!

Soccer spectators

Drink Milk

 The kids had a great time on our tour of the Dairy Farm today.  Well...let me rephrase that...they were roasting hot in the 86 degree sunshine, but LOVED the chocolate milk at the end.  You can pretty much make anything seem fun if you give a kid a carton of chocolate milk, right??

Lawson's 1st field trip!

2 day old cow

She loves "mooeys"

Our farm tour was followed up by a visit to their Aunt and Uncle's house which was near by.  The highlight of their day was each receiving a fun tractor ride...they couldn't have been happier.