Drawing Blood...

The sound of the garbage truck driving down the street sparked an instant reaction in my 3-year-old son.  He leaped up from the table and ran to the front door, flung it open and went flying down the sidewalk and around the corner out of sight.  I heard him go...knew he would do this as he did every week when the truck passed by.  I don't like the thought of him running down to the street alone with a huge truck in the front yard, so I quickly set down the glass of water in my hand so I could chase after him.  Inadvertently, the edge of the glass caught the corner of the metal sink and it shattered in my hand, sending glass flying everywhere.  I stood there in shock for a few seconds, absorbing what had just happened and looking at my palm which now had a deep gash in the center with blood oozing out.  The aftermath of this little slip has been the diminished use of my hand all week, and pain...

It occurred to me after my little accident, how emotionally powerful the sight of that blood was.  It made my stomach churn...it stopped me dead in my tracks...it changed the course of the rest of my day....and week.  Yet how quick I am to take blood for granted.  It's there all the time, pumping at an astounding rate through my body, just millimeters beneath my skin.  It's crucial for my survival, and yet I almost never think about it until I get hurt.

Another thought that struck me was a Biblical parallel... Christ's sacrifice for me, through the power of His perfect blood.  How quick am I to spill the blood of Christ every time I slip up and sin?  How often do I think about, appreciate, grasp the full weight of what His sacrifice meant for me, still means to me every single day.  How seriously do I take my sins and truly grasp what it took for Him to make me pure again in the sight of God?  I get squeamish around blood and will tend to look away to avoid seeing it. In the same way, I tend to shrug off some of my "lesser" sins...not taking seriously the full weight of them, not realizing the gravity of my wrongdoings.

Isaiah 53:5 But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.

I've been saved from a life of crushing emptiness and disappointment.  I've been saved from my unrelenting fallen nature and given such grace, such mercy, such forgiveness.  I'm saved by the blood of my perfect Savior...my strongest advocate, my dearest friend.  I'm saved because the Almighty deemed me worthy of being saved, not by my own works or merit but by pure grace and grace alone. 

1 Peter 1:18-19 For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your ancestors, but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect.

Feet that are Beautiful

Let my life today be an answer to someone else's prayer.  I am here for a purpose and that purpose isn't just to focus on "Me".  There's a good thought to start off my week...to begin a Monday morning that has already been challenging. 


Romans 10:14-15
 How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them?  And how can anyone preach unless they are sent? As it is written: “How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!”

Give me feet that are beautiful, today, Oh God!  I cry out for meaning, for purpose in my days of sorrow, but it could be that my very purpose is to share in this suffering with others who suffer, to encourage the downtrodden, to exalt the name of my God in times of trial.  

Give me feet that are beautiful, feet that are strong to carry the message of hope only You offer to this broken world.  Give me a message, words to speak, a heart that is focused on You, not on me.  

Someone is praying...right now...someone is lost, hurting, confused, depressed, in need of a friend, sick...let me be part of the answer.  

Give me feet to carry the Good News to others.  Give me feet full of purpose today, to do Your will, and to serve others with great joy.

How Far I've Come...

I am struggling tonight with the urge to look back.  Oh how I long for so many things in the past. 

Today I desperately miss my family.  I miss having my brothers in my life, one has passed away and the other has parted ways.  How I pray for healing from the grief and healing of relationships.

I miss having my mom when she was healthy and well.  I recognize now how much I took for granted and it breaks my heart and brings tears to my eyes.  I miss her emails, her phone calls when we would just chat about our days, miss her sage advice and her prayers for me.  I miss watching her interact with my kids, the ever adoring grandmother...singing to them, reading to them, and playing with them. 

The leaden weight of suffering threatens to pull me down to a very deep and dark place.  How do I move forward from here?  How do I find Hope in the heartache, and Joy in this arduous journey?

I happened to read Luke 9:62 as part of Reese's bedtime story tonight and it caught my attention...

Jesus replied, “No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.”

What does that mean...no looking back?  Surely it is OK to feel sad for the things that have been lost.  Surely it is natural to grieve, to long for our relationships to continue on into the future.  

I am flooded over with the sorrow of loss, the heartache of losing a little bit more of my mom with each passing day and being powerless to do anything to help her.  I don't understand why any of this is happening to me, or to my family, God!

A soft whisper...a single verse, catches me off guard...at a time when I least expect it.  My daughter's bedtime story reminds me that there is no sense in looking back.  I am on a journey that can only move forward.  I have no idea of the magnitude of God's plans for me, for my family, and for how He is using all of this to strengthen and grow me and to bring about the culmination of His plans for my future.  

I can accomplish nothing by looking back.  It is nothing more than a distraction that will suffocate my ability to be useful, positive, productive and devoted to God's plans for me.  The past has nothing to offer me, but the future is everything.  

I turn my face toward the future...towards certainty and promises that I can count on.  I turn my face towards my heavenly Hope, toward the God Who has known me from the first seconds of my conception.  Here I am, Lord...I am so weak, but You are strong.  Carry me through this valley and help me...help me to be fit for your Kingdom.  

Expectation and Reality...

Driving the other day, I happened to notice the marquee in front of a church that read, "The gap between expectation and reality is suffering."  Wow...that is deep....but oh so true.

My expectations for the day to day, and for what I thought my life would look like right now are so very far from reality.  I weep at times with the realization that my life has taken so many unexpected turns...that it seems to be spiraling so quickly out of my control.  I'm off course...this isn't the way things were supposed to be!

How do I rise to the occasion, hold my head up straight and high when I often want to cower in a dark corner in fear?  How do I triumph when, by all appearances, things around me seem to be crumbling out of my grasp? 

If this prolonged season of suffering has taught me anything, it is that I do not have the power to stand on my own.  I am built up, strengthened, empowered to stand because of the foundation of my faith.  He enables me to rise up, in the midst of the ashes, and rejoice in His goodness.  He gives me the will to press on, to continue on this most-uncertain journey.  I do suffer from the losses, from the pain...but I turn to Him and He helps me make progress. 

Praying Mantis on Mums

Just last week the pastor spoke of a woman who came to speak with him.  She leaned forward, with tears streaming down her face and told him that she felt like, perhaps, she was supposed to be in a place of suffering.  My throat grew tight and my own tears began to fall. 

I woke up this morning, knowing I did not posses the strength to stand on my own.  I rise, higher and higher still on the strength from within...a strength fully supplied from the Lord.  I rejoice in the glories of the world He has created and placed me in.  I wait on him with expectation..."How, oh Lord, can you use even this, to further your Kingdom and to mold me into the person You want me to be?"

Jude 20 (AMPC)

But you, beloved, build yourselves up [founded] on your most holy faith [make progress, rise like an edifice higher and higher], praying in the Holy Spirit;

Stand firm...

They were facing an army of angry, chariot-driving Egyptians...backs to the Red Sea with nowhere to turn.  The situation, from any angle a sane person would look at it, was hopeless.  They cried out to God...to Moses...not really looking for answers but flinging accusations and blame, doubts and anger and fears.  They regretted ever leaving their servitude in Egypt....look where it had gotten them.  While their comfort zone was far from comfortable, it was predictable.  This was new and confusing and "unsafe."  But at that moment of deepest regret, of utter desperation, Moses called out to them in a strong and assuring voice...

Exodus 14:13-14New International Version (NIV)

Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”

The adversary comes at you and I with a multi-faceted attack...seeking to intimidate, discourage and destroy.  It feels like my back is up against a wall...or perhaps the Red Sea.  I've got nowhere to turn.  Perhaps God is testing me, pushing me to the brink to see how I respond, how my faith will stand up to the challenge.  Perhaps He is allowing me to endure a season of trials so that I might see His full strength, trust in His ability to rescue me, believe in His promises with an unwavering faith.  These things I may never know, but as I read and really focused on these words today "Do not be afraid.  Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today."  I was deeply moved. 

Though many things are completely out of my control, they are still well within the control of God.  I may not witness a miracle of epic proportions such as the crossing of the Red Sea, but little miracles may very well be happening each and every day.   Though He has not taken away my pain, has not answered all of my prayers, has allowed me to suffer for a prolonged period, I still trust in His unfailing love for me. 

Take me out of my comfort zone, oh God.  Lead me out from my servitude of the "average" into the great unknown of radical faith.  Fill me with Your strength to handle my daily trials, and when even that fails, take my yoke and carry my burdens for me.  Help me to be still so that you might fight the battles that I will surely lose.  Help me to stand firm in your promises and experience Your deliverance from my adversaries.  Amen.

Always in sight...

I have learned, too often the hard way, to always keep a visual on my youngest son.  He's now 3 years old and is completely fearless.  I mean, climbs up the cabinets to get himself a cup and fills it himself at the sink, fearless.  I mean, takes the car keys, goes out into the garage and starts the car, fearless.  When you ask him if he knows how to drive the car, he answers without hesitation, "Yes!"  This kid drives me completely crazy!

Today was just destined to be "one of those days".  The morning started off with my phone dying..as in RIP forever dying.  In the midst of getting the baby fed and put down for a nap I lost track of Lawson for a few minutes, only to find that he had gone into the garage to play with his Power Wheels Jeep.  When the Jeep wouldn't start (the battery was dead), he just assumed it needed some gas.  So he uncapped the gas can that was sitting there and tried to fill it with gasoline.  I walked out to the strong smell of spilled gas and let's just say there was a rather loud confrontation that followed...ahem!  The final drama for the day was when Carter came running outside to find me, blood dripping down the front of his face and his fist in a ball.  He only had to open his mouth for me to see the gaping hole where a tooth had once been....and his fist was holding that tooth.  A frantic call to the dentist to have them check his most recent x-rays confirmed that it (thankfully!) was a baby tooth.

My kids are at an age right now, at least the younger three, that I need to keep a close eye on them at all times.  When I fail to do so, things can get out of hand very quickly, and the day is far more stressful.  I feel like this is such a parallel for the way I include God in my day. On days I just breeze through without giving Him a second thought, I often find myself discouraged, frazzled, and at the end of my rope.  I should keep His words readily on my lips; I am urged to think about it day and night.  He promises to go with me, anywhere and everywhere.  Thank goodness, He is always in sight, always watching over me, always ready to carry me through my sticky spots, my toughest dilemmas. 

Joshua 1:7-9

“Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” 

Pockets...

Little feet pad to a stop in my open doorway, early morning light filters around the short silhouette.  I lift my head, bleary-eyed, to see what time it is and who is awake already.  There he stands there with both hands plunged deep into his pockets.  Oh how he loves those pockets!  Up until a few weeks ago, he barely knew pockets existed...but now, oh now he doesn't want to wear a pair of pants without them.

Pockets are where he stores his most prized possessions....a set of play keys, an acorn, a coin found on the sidewalk, a piece of candy, a few stickers.  Pockets have opened up a whole new world to him, given him a place to store things that are truly special to him, given him a sense of possession...of holding on to something that is valuable to him.  Tonight after his bath I dared to put some pajama pants on him.  This was met with screams and angry protests and he ran from the bathroom to ditch the pj's in favor of some shorts with pockets.

Into this world we come with not a single possession to our name.  We grow older and begin to learn so quickly the concept of "mine".  How similar I am, to my little son, cherishing the things of this world, digging deep into my pockets to hang onto the things I love.  How hard it is to give up my treasures, to open my fists and let go of the past, all the things I've been storing deep for so many years.  How hesitant I am to offer up my objects of comfort, the bits and pieces I've collected over the last few decades that mean so much to me.  Oh, the folly of investing so much of my time, my attention, in things so temporal, so meaningless in the grand scheme of life.

If only I could clearly see past the here and now, to have some more definite concept of my future destiny and invest more wholeheartedly in storing up treasure for the future.  I miss out on so much by hanging onto so much.  I waste time, lose energy, cause pain, misplace priorities, miss opportunities, by focusing on my earthly treasures.

Turn my pockets inside-out, oh God!  Give me but a glimpse of Your glory, and the riches that await me in Heaven someday.  Help me to see You, to know You, to trust You and your plan for me.  Help me to eagerly anticipate all that awaits me in Heaven.  Help me to take hold of the "life that is truly life."

1 Timothy 6:17-19 (NIV) Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment. Command them to do good, to be rich in good deeds, and to be generous and willing to share. In this way they will lay up treasure for themselves as a firm foundation for the coming age, so that they may take hold of the life that is truly life.