Please Remain Calm

Whenever I stop in to Whole Foods for a few groceries, I always admire the pins all of the employees wear.  Some of them have a dozen or more pins, but the one pin they all have that I love says, in all capital letters..."PLEASE REMAIN CALM."  I told one employee this week that I love that pin and he laughed..."Me too," he said.

There are countless examples every single week...heck, every day when I need to keep a mantra like this in mind...

Like this past week for example...The kids were all out swimming in the ice cold inflatable pool before 9 am.  An hour into their swim, when I was trying to replenish the water with the hose, the phone rang.  When I set the hose down to grab the phone, Lawson grabbed it.  Just as I was answering, I turned to go back outside only to see hose water shooting in through the open door...I ran to the door and was soaked from the waist down as I tried to wrestle the hose out of his hands.  There was a total flood on the kitchen floor that I had to mop up....

The kids came in to eat and I had water glasses and snacks on the table.  Reese stood up on her seat to grab something and slipped and managed to knock not one, not two, but three full glasses of water over simultaneously.  When it rains, it (literally) pours...

That same afternoon, I watched as all the kids swam only to realize Lawson had had an unfortunate accident (of the #2 variety) in the pool.  Everyone out!  Time to drain a 10 foot long inflatable pool filled with 8 inches of water...calm...did somebody say...stay calm?!?!

I do love summer.  I complain all winter about all the gear the kids have to wear every time they go outside.  It takes me longer to dress them than they even stay outside.  But summer...summer is different.  Now, the kids come down in their PJ's, change into bathing suits and leave PJs strewn all over the floor, come in and hour later still dripping in bathing suits...change in their rooms, leaving wet suits on the carpet, put on a whole new outfit.  Decide to go back outside...step over wet bathing suits and grab a new bathing suit to wear outside...come back in, still dripping, and leave 2nd wet suit on floor.  Step over previous dry outfit to pick out another outfit to wear.  When I was downstairs yelling up for them to bring there wet suits down, all I heard was "Here Mama!" followed but a loud slap as a heap of wet suits was thrown over the banister and hit the floor.  Oh yea, I'm appreciated around here!  The laundry basket somehow is overflowing with clothes after just one day...how in the world is this possible???

Ah, but it's summer...who has time for sour moods?  I was sitting on the deck the other day trying to keep track of everyone when Sienna came up and said, "Here Mama, I picked you a flower," holding out a long stem she broke off one of my potted flowers on the deck.

Some people say I have remarkable patience.  The real truth is...I'm just too tired to get upset anymore...

A final "I Love You"

I was sitting in the darkened nursery last May 24th, rocking Lawson to sleep.  It was the night before Memorial Day and I was looking forward to the events the following day.  I began to reminisce about the Memorial Day celebrations we enjoyed when I was young...of decorating our bikes in red, white and blue  streamers and riding the couple of miles into the little town nearby where we excitedly watched a parade.

As I sat there, I felt such a strong urging...it was almost audible..."Email your brothers."  It was such a strong sensation that I came down from putting Lawson to bed and immediately sat down to send an email to both of my brothers.  I shared some of the memories I had just been dwelling on, and told them both that I loved them.

The following day, May 25th, was the perfect Memorial Day...it was warm, sunny...beautiful.  We enjoyed taking the kids to the parade and playing outside with them for the majority of the day.  We all crashed ...exhausted... into bed that night.  Just an hour after falling asleep though...the news came...I learned the early-shattering news of Ed's accident.  I couldn't believe...he was gone.

The next morning all I could think about was that email I'd sent him...my last message to tell him that I loved him.  I was so glad I had taken the time to write that night...but there were so many more things I now wished I had told him....of what an amazing brother he was to me...of how much I appreciated him...  There would never be a reply to that message...

I've had 1 year now to dwell on what life is/will be like without Ed.  It is a sad realization that often hits me at the most unexpected moments...at times I feel like it was all just a bad dream...but all too quickly realize again that it was all too real.

I cherish all the memories I have of Ed in my heart.  I see the trinkets and treasures he gave to me and the kids, all around our house, every single day.  I see this experience as a chance to live my life more intentionally...more aware of the delicacy and fragility of each and every life.  I talk about him with my older kids to try to instill in them the beginning of an understanding of loss and grief and to respect and appreciate each day we are given on this earth.

There is no way to encapsulate the way this past year has changed me.  I only hope that the memories I have of Ed will continue to drive me to be a more thankful, more patient, more appreciative, more conscientious, and more encouraging person.  Arriving at a place that was lower than any other valley I ever experienced has been an often-excruciating faith journey...that ultimately has made me appreciate, more than ever before, the hope I have in God.

And so I continue one...one step, one day at a time.  This journey is different than what I envisioned it would be.  But His thoughts are not my thoughts and His ways are not my ways (Is 55)...I'm learning that truth over and over again.

Get Busy Living...

I remembered a quote today from one of my all-time favorite movies, The Shawshank Redepmtion.  In one scene, the two convicts are talking about the future, one rather hopelessly, the other still clinging to the hope of someday being free.  The hopeful man tells the other,

"I guess it comes down to a simple choice...get busy living, or get busy dying."

This past year, I've come to a crossroads in my life.  Everything as I once knew it changed last May.  All my expectations, my hopes for the future, my securities in what I felt was "safe" and "lasting"...all of that was shaken to the core.  I had a choice to make.  Get busy living...or get busy dying.

Our last family photo - October 2013

When you lose someone very young and close to you, it is NEVER expected.  When Ed died last May, I felt like my whole world was crumbling around me.  I wondered how I would ever move forward after such a devastating loss.  But I had to...I simply couldn't stop living.

 I looked at my children today...at their smiling faces as they played in the warm sunshine.  I appreciated their zest for life, their enthusiasm for something as simple as a pool full of water.

Get busy living...life is too short, too unpredictable, too precious to do anything else.

Get busy living...tell those you care about that you love them, don't hold grudges, don't fret about the things that fade away...focus on the people in your life.

Get busy living...use the time you have for things that truly matter.  Open your eyes to those who are in need...who need a kind word, a helping hand...or just someone to listen.

Get busy living...look at your kids...really look at them.  They grow up in the blink of an eye.  Take advantage of the time you have with them...today!

I know that Ed would not have wanted me to stop living my life.  I miss him every day but the memories I have of him and the deep void I now feel gives me the impetus, even on the roughest days, to LIVE!

5 is the new 2

There is a dead fly on my dining room table right now.  Well, let me rephrase that...it is in a bug jug, on my dining room table.  Carter was conducting some experiments on it...like seeing if would live if he put it in the freezer.  Yep, it was in the freezer too.  But it died...now it's still sitting there...in the bug jug.

Lawson stole a lollipop out of the pantry the other day when I was trying to clean it.  I let him have it to keep him happy.  He then ran all around the house with it clenched in his little sticky hand, spreading his stickiness everywhere.  Looking back, it wasn't the best decision...actually quite counterproductive to clean one closet all while he got sticky lollipop on many surfaces of the house.

I'm fully expecting to walk into the kids bathroom one day and fall through the floor into my kitchen below.  This is because every time they get a bath, like tonight, they dump a couple gallons of water out onto the floor.  I'm sure underneath the thin layer of linoleum the floor is slowly rotting away.  I can envision my tombstone now..."Here lies a mother of 5, whose kids would not stop splashing in the bath."

I have dark brown hand towels in my downstairs bathroom. That is not because there are other brown accents in that room, but because my kids so many times came inside with dirt covered hands, did a mediocre job of washing them, and dried those still-muddy hands on my nice cream-colored hand towels.  Those are all ruined...now we have brown.

Back in the BC years, (that's Before Children), things like this would have shocked and horrified me.  I guess that's the nature of having a bunch of kids.  At some point you get desensitized to just about everything unless it's life-threatening...you just have to let it go.  As a parent, you learn to live with the "Three C's"...those are Calamities, Chaos and...oh crap I forgot the third one...See, that's another side effect of kids...loss of brain cells.  Well you have to deal with a lot of "Crap" (both literally and figuratively) too if you have kids so I guess that will do for #3!

It was funny to watch some reactions when I started telling people I was having our 5th child.  I think it was just assumed by many that we were done...2 girls, 2 boys, the perfect, EVEN family.  Actually I think a lot of people might have thought that when we just had 1 girl and 1 boy.  But we're just not the two kids and done kinda family...obviously.  Five is the new two anyway, haven't you heard??  My kids are so used to having more kids...they are already SO past number five...they're already talking about number six!!  I guess at this point we feel like "the more the merrier." or maybe, more appropriately, "How much worse can it be?"  I mean, seriously, look at these faces, how you you NOT love all of them??

He was trying to kiss the goat...ick

That is one LONG tongue

The White House

 When I was young, I can remember going to the Mall with my mom from time to time.  Every once in a while, we'd drive to a mall that was further away than the others...much larger and fancier.  I remember one store in particular that stood out to me...had almost a mystical quality.  This particular store seemed to jut out into the mall in such a way that as you were walking towards it, three out of the four walls were all glass, so you could see into the store and see everything on display.  And everything inside was white.  I had never seen anything like it. I remember sometimes we'd walk through, looking at some of the clothes.  Who, I wondered, wore these wonderful all-white clothes?

Nowadays, White House is combined with Black Market...which is really much more practical in my humble opinion, being the fashion expert that I am...hahaha.  I don't know, maybe it's just that I'm a mother of 4 and honestly don't own any white clothes anymore.  The last white shirt I owned was ruined when someone used my shoulder to clean off their chocolate covered face.  My life is...plainly put...much too messy for white.

If I wait to come to the Lord until I get my life in order...I'd never make it.  It's about as futile as me trying to keep my house clean or clothes white.  As soon as I finish cleaning a room, the kids are messing it up again.  But I can't blame all my messiness just on them.  I've got my own flaws that like to crop up again and again.  I've got my own issues that look like nasty dark stains on a once-white garment.

Sometimes, I get to the end of the day in utter discouragement.  I've started out the day with a plan in mind for how I'd like things to go...but by the end it feels like absolutely NOTHING has gone the way I had planned.  I haven't even been able to carve out a few quiet minutes to pray...how can I walk into His presence looking like this?  I'm a shabby mess!  Sometimes, approaching God in this less-than-perfect state feels a lot like walking into the White House.  I don't really belong there.   But when I make the time to enter, He meets me at the door with a smile and warm welcome.  His perfection overshadows all my imperfections and shortcomings.  He washes me whiter than snow.

I wish I could spend every day in the White House...feeling serene and clean and perfect.  But here I am on the battlefield of life...elbow-deep in dirt and grime.  I've questioned God far too many times about being this way...why must life be so hard...so messy?  Why can't every story  have a happy ending?  Why does there have to be so much pain?  His answer comes in the quiet of the early morning hours...I'm not in the White House....things here will never be neat or easy or pain-free.  That's the nature of living in a sin-stained world and also the reason I put my hope, not in the things here and now, but in Him and in my eternal future.  I'll look forward to wearing those garments of pure white someday...

Two Big Bottles of Joy...

 The old saying, "The best things in life are free" is so so true.  Derrick walked in the door last week, returning from a Costco run, with two huge jugs of soap and plopped them down on the counter top.  "Look Mama," Sienna said excitedly, "We got you soap for your birthday!"  I had to laugh at that!  I like Joy soap for making homemade bubbles for the kids.

Two big bottles of Joy...just for me.  I chuckled to myself.  If only Joy could be obtained that easily.  Finding real lasting joy is so much more complicated than that though...

My mantra lately seems to be this:

My joy is not determined by my circumstances.  

Can I get an AMEN! tired mothers of the world???

If joy isn't determined by circumstances...where do we find it?  Well, it certainly can't be bought.  My kids can help me experience joy for a time, but then when their behavior tanks, I'm left feeling a void again.

I stopped yesterday to look closely at another butterfly the kids released on the deck.  It's one of our last ones.  I admired the colors and beautiful patterns on his wings, the delicacy and perfection of this amazing creature.  I admired the vibrant colors of my newly planted flowers.  It has not been an easy week in many ways...I'm struggling to overcome both physical and emotional pains that could easily weigh me down and drag me under.  But in the midst of even this, there are glimpses of beauty and joy.

Sitting in church this past Sunday, I was fixing my eyes on a verse that was displayed on a banner at the front of the sanctuary.  it was:

Romans 12:12

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 

That's the answer, really, if I'm looking for a formula for joy.  I am not filled by joy from the things of this world but as a result of my hope in God.  I must be patient to trust in His timing, even when I am afflicted by many trials.  And I must be faithful to be in constant prayer, even on the craziest most trying days, knowing ultimately that He cares for me.

From Fog to Freedom

 When I woke up on Friday morning at 6:15 to Lawson crying, I first looked out the window, as I often do at sunrise.  To my amazement, the backyard was blanketed in a very thick fog...it was hard to make out very much, except for this amazing spectacle of the sun, at that very moment, peeking through a small slit in the clouds and fog.  It seemed to me as if the eye of God was looking out over the fresh new start of the day...reminding me of His watchful presence over me.  I had to rush down to grab the camera...which of course does it no justice.  But still...a wonderful reminder of the beauty of a new day...a new beginning.

I'm often stuck in the fog of life.  I can't focus on anything...I'm drifting through my days, stumbling over every little obstacle.  It's amazing what the presence of light can do...how much it changes my perspective on things.  When I gaze into the Light of His presence, it's as if the fog is immediately lifted.  I'm given new eyes to see the world around me.  I'm freed from the bondage of my former fog...my self-centered way of living.

I was thankful to be awoken early that day, for the chance to see something spectacular and to be reminded to keep all things in perspective.  I was reminded of the freedom I find when I look into that glorious light.

Today, on Mother's Day, I was thankful for the perspective-changing, forever-life-altering blessing of my four children.  They ground me in so many ways, make me humble, teach me so many lessons, bring me to tears (of joy and sadness).  My kids have changed my life forever...they require all that I have to give, yet bring so much more back to me in the process of raising them.  I am so privileged to be their Mom!

Walking on high places...

I came across the same verse in three different places yesterday.  And this wasn't a passage that is commonly quoted...it was the book of Habakkuk.  The first time I read it, it caught my attention.  The second time, I stopped to really ponder the meaning of it.  But the third time I came across it at the very end of the day it completely stopped me in my tracks.  At first or second glance there may not seem to be any earth-shattering spiritual truths in this verse.  I pulled out my Amplified Bible to read it again and was definitely struck even more when I read it in this translation...

Though the fig tree does not blossom and there is no fruit on the vines, [though] the product of the olive fails and the fields yield no food, though the flock is cut off from the fold and there are no cattle in the stalls,  Yet I will rejoice in the Lord; 

I will exult in the [victorious] God of my salvation!  The Lord God is my Strength, my personal bravery, and my invincible army; He makes my feet like hinds' feet and will make me to walk [not to stand still in terror, but to walk' and make [spiritual] progress upon my high places [of trouble, suffering, or responsibility]!

I never really stopped to think about what high places were....and what it means to "tread on" them.  The high places are the difficulties we face...the sadness, the trials, the sicknesses, the pain.  Most of the time, when I encounter difficulties, I falter.  I lose my footing...my confidence...maybe I question God.  The idea walking with my head held high through these mountainous trials, of actually making spiritual progress in the midst of them, is certainly something to dwell on...to aspire to.  But if I'm relying solely on my own strength to accomplish this, I will fail.  No, I need to rely on the strength that comes from the Lord...then and only then will I be able to walk, without terror, on the high places.

A pebble in the Ocean...

I read this passage from Sarah Young's book Jesus Today and wanted to share as it touched my heart deeply.

Lay down your problems long enough to gaze at Me.  

Picture yourself standing at the edge of an ocean, on a beach covered with pebbles.  The pebbles represent problems - yours, your family's, your friends', the world's.  As you pick up these small stones and hold them close to your eyes - examining their details - they obscure your view of the grandeur all around you.  Usually, as soon as you put down one 

pebble-problem, you pick up another.  Thus, you fail to enjoy the beauty of My Presence and to receive My help.

The ocean represents Me - endlessly glorious and continually present with you.  I am calling you to put down all the pebbles for a time so that you can experience My Presence and receive My unfailing Love.  Draw near Me by praying, "I choose You, Jesus.  I choose to see You - to find You in this moment."  Practice doing this until it becomes a habit: a delightful habit that will keep you close to Me on the path of Life.

Problems abound in this world...that's a fact.  I don't have to look far to find one to dwell on.  In honesty, I don't have to look at all.  And dwelling on them, letting them consume all my thoughts, take over my time, my energy, my joy...that seems an all-to-common occurrence as well.

I have a GOD-GIVEN CHOICE...each day....to decide what I will dwell on.  That is am amazing thing!!  I can stare all day at a pebble...

or gaze into the endless OCEAN of God's amazing love...the amazing world He's placed around me.  

I can fixate on the unfixable....

or focus on the unfathomable depths of His love.

I can dwell on the depressing...

or depend on His shepherd's staff to guide and comfort me.

I can wallow in self-pity...

or wade out into the waters of His great Sea, eyes fixed on Him, ever ready to serve others.

I needn't look far to see beauty...to see examples big and small of his great, GREAT love for me.

2 Corinthians 12: 7-10

I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.