Being Carried...

We are all born with this innate desire and need to be held close and carried.  As tiny infants, we are so completely helpless, it is not just a need but a necessity!  We can't do anything for ourselves and are fully dependent on our caretakers to hold and nourish and clothe and care for and protect us.  Many times, the one thing a baby will crave, more than anything else, is just to be held.  There is scientific evidence that points to the importance of skin to skin contact between a newborn baby and it's mother immediately after birth.  Often when a baby cries, it is comforted almost immediately by the simple act of being held.

There is such great comfort in being held, in knowing you are warm, safe and secure, that someone is looking out for you and won't let any harm come to you.  But as we grow, we begin to take those first few steps on our own...the power becomes addicting...we want to be held less and less as we gain confidence in our ability to move forward on our own.

When a child falls and scrapes his knee, or bumps his head, the one thing that often soothes those tears is to be swept up in the loving arms of a parent.  Sienna and even Lawson are growing heavier by the day.  My arms and back ache after I've been carrying them around for even a short time.  And they are quick to push me away when they feel they don't need me anymore.

We think we are so strong, so smart, so justified in our self-sufficiency - but then our securities all come crashing down.  Disaster strikes in the form of an illness, loss of a job, a crumbling marriage, financial trouble, depression, loss of a loved one...something, anything, that is out of our human control.  We realize in that moment how fragile our lives truly are, how quickly all our securities can be toppled over in a mere second.  It often takes that trial, that difficulty, that pain to bring us back to God.  The faithful Father is still waiting in the wings with arms open wide, ready to walk alongside us or even to pick us up if we'll only let Him.

No matter how far we've made it on our life journey, no matter how long we've been walking alone, we (our weight and our problems) are NEVER too heavy to be carried by God.  He will NEVER turn us away!

I could never understand that kind of all-encompassing, never-fading love until I had children of my own.  I could never imagine turning my back on one of my precious children in their moment of need and God won't do that to us either.  I can rest assured of that...I can be completely secure in His love for me.  I read a verse last night that painted this beautiful picture in my mind of God carrying me....it's found in Deuteronomy 33:12 and says, "Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in Him for He shields him all day long.  And the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders."   I love that image of being carried by God, and not just carried, but placed up over His shoulders.

Refresh...

Do you ever wish you could start a day over...do something differently than the way you did....have a do-over?  I doubt there are many parents out there who could honestly say they wouldn't love to have a couple do-overs...haha, or a thousand for that matter!

I could have handled that situation better...

I should have done this differently...

What even made me think having kids would be fun in the first place???  

HA!  OK, just kidding ... But in all seriousness...

There are some times that I just wish I had that same handy little refresh button for my life, for those moments I just want to start over...for those situations that just seem to spiral out of control.

Take the night a few weeks back...I was using an opportunity while the kids were all out of the house with Derrick to dye my hair.  They all got home while I was mid-dye job and just before it was time for me to go rinse it all out, Reese started with a stomach bug.  15 minutes later after trying to clean up the mess, I realized I still hadn't rinsed it out and was way overdue.  Sadly, my hair got a good frying that night that will take months to regrow!  Could have used a good refresh in that instance...

I was completely exhausted last night by the time we got to the kids bath time.  Three of them were up before 6:30 and had really worn me down.  Sienna was begging me, absolutely begging, to do a bubble bath.  And initially I said no, but her pleas wore me down and I consented.  Only after about 15 minutes of bubble popping fun did Reese sweep some of the bubbles aside and, much to my dismay asked, "What's that?"  Yep...you probably already guessed it.  Lawson had chosen that night to poop in the bath when the bubbles provided some nice camouflage.  That also happened to be the night that the tub was clogged and would not drain.  So I had to grab all three kids and continue their baths in my bathroom while Derrick cleaned and unclogged the tub.   Cue that refresh button to start this bath over again!!!

Sienna did provide me with some comic relief yesterday at a much-needed moment when I was feeling discouraged.  She LOVES to help me with the laundry and especially with collecting empty coat hangers from everyone's closets.  Upon wondering into Lawson's room and finding an empty coat hanger sitting on the floor, she shouted down to me, "Mama, there's a hooker in Lawson's room with no shirt on!"  That gave me a really good laugh and a chance to smile and feel thankful for the crazy kids that fill my home.

I was answering some questions for my Bible Study last night.  One of the questions challenged me to think about how I could learn to see things from God's perspective, instead of from my limited human viewpoint.  That really got me thinking.  During these times I want a do-over, maybe it's a change in perspective that I need more.  There are lots of things I would have probably changed, done over in my life if I could have....but obviously that's never an option.  So what do you do with those difficult situations...how do you get through them?  My conclusion is that there must always be Hope.  My hope for this life I'm living is in God.  My Hope is in His Word.  My Hope is that He loves me unconditionally.  My Hope is that He hears every one of my prayers.  From that Hope stems a new perspective on life.  Daily, I need to hit "refresh" to switch from my limited human perspective on things to one that sees things from God's perspective.  That, and a healthy dose of humor will get me through these long days for sure!

On the Mountaintop...

 They say that every cloud has a silver lining, and that the sun shines more brightly after the storm.  This silver lining has been a long time in coming.  Sometimes, it can take months of walking through a very deep valley before you find yourself up on the mountain top again.

January 25, 2016 is truly a day I will never forget.

It is a day that, to me, symbolizes so many things.... Strength... Courage Determination...  Perseverance.... Love in it's purest form... great Pain followed by great Triumph... the most intense form of joy intermingled with an equally intense sorrow.  Today marks the birthday of my sweet and absolutely perfect little niece, Dalis.  My sister-in-law shared with me that Dalis means "mountain" in Thai...and it seems so appropriate a name for a little one who has given us this mountaintop experience through her miraculous birth.

I cannot imagine a person who is more courageous and strong than my dear Sister-in-Law.  I am privileged to know her and call her "My Family".

I feel that I am witness to a true miracle today.  Of course, any time a baby is born, to me, it feels like a miracle...but this time it is even more precious.  She is a symbol of a fresh start, and a great hope for the future.  A new life that brings with it so much promise...

I could not help but think of a verse in Isaiah today which speaks of how the Lord brings beauty from ashes.  While I was pondering that passage, I also found this one which seemed equally appropriate.

Isaiah 66:9 "In the same way I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born," says the Lord.

These words reassured me today, reminded me of His power to work even in the most hopeless situations...situations that I can't understand and even continue to question....

Yesterday morning, driving down to church, there was a gorgeous sunrise, and to the east, there was a striking vertical rainbow that seemed be lighting the way for us.  Last night there was an amazingly brilliant sunset and just hours later, a moon rise that was perhaps the most spectacular I have ever witnessed....a huge, orange mass of an orb, coming up through wisps of clouds on a chilly, clear, winter night.  This morning again, there was another spectacular sunrise that caused me to stop in my tracks in amazement.  I am so thankful for these visible and stunning reminders of God's creativity, His Power, His Love for me, demonstrated in so many ways.  And I'm thankful that He seemed to usher in the birth of my little niece with such amazing displays of beauty.  I could not think of a more fitting welcome for a little one who is bringing into this world so much happiness and hope and joy.

Music to my Ears

 We had another little outing to the Symphony yesterday...it was an enjoyable time listening to the lovely music over the din of thousands of little children...haha....but what do you want for free??










And despite the ever-changing forecast for Pittsburgh....huge storm...no storm...maybe storm....we did manged to get some snow last night.  The kids woke up with huge smiles and spent many hours outdoors enjoying the new flakes in the yard!

The grand Heinz Hall Ceiling...

The latest 1,000 piece puzzle

 The kids were not deterred from skating last night, despite the heavy falling snow from winter Storm Jonas....we got a huge 4 or 5 inches here...but to them it was perfect.  Just enough to build another snow tubing luge track this morning and to get back out on the ice.  Sienna was thrilled to be able to skate last night without her little walker...she's learning FAST!

Night skating in our first "big" winter storm....

The Pink Dress

It really shouldn't have been that big of a deal to get dressed this morning....but it was.  I probably should have handled it differently...I didn't have to stick to my guns...I could have let it slide....but I didn't  Parenting fail?  Big Mistake??  Maybe...

It started with Sienna's request for the pink dress.  It is a lovely dress, fits her well, and amazingly doesn't have a single stain on it.  It's more of a summer dress, but with a nice sweater on top and tights underneath can easily pass for any season.  Why the battle then, you might ask?  This particular (offending) dress has been the requested article of clothing anytime we go to church, birthday parties or Bible study week after week for the past several weeks...maybe even months.  I begin to worry that people might think my kids don't have any clothes at some point if we show up wearing the same outfit every week.  And she has a lovely closet full of clothes that are just screaming to be worn, right?  Well, she was having none of that, No Sir!!  I brought down an outfit with a pink skirt, pink tights, glittery pink boots and a sweater with a pink flower for her to wear...but not even this profusion of pink could appease the request for "the pink dress."  The screaming began, the fist pounding face-to-the-floor wailing of "I want the Pink DRESSSSSS!"  Foolishly I forged ahead with my determination to use the other outfit.  She was dressed and ready to go and stole upstairs to her room.  Minutes later she came back with the pink dress on...crooked and unzipped and pulled right over top of her other outfit.  "Can you zip it up for me?"  she asked sweetly.

I debated about letting her go to class just like that...with two outfits on.  Eventually I coaxed her out of the dress with the promise she could change into it as soon as we got home and left it sitting folded on the kitchen table.  I thought the battle had been won...but I was wrong.

When we arrived at Bible Study, as I was unbuckling her, she asked me, "did you zip up my dress?"  I told her she wasn't wearing the dress and had to unzip her winter coat to show her that she had the other outfit on.  That was when the full fury of Sienna was unleashed.  She fell down to the floor of the car, screaming and wailing and refused to come out.  When I did drag her out she ran up into the new-fallen snow in her not-at-all-waterproof sparkle boots, refusing to come inside the building.  It was a comical cat and mouse game to any onlooker I'm sure.  I finally had to drag her in the door and carry her up a flight of steps by one arm where, at the top of the steps, she collapsed in a fit of wails in the middle of the main lobby where all the women were gathering.  Oh, the embarrassment of being the incompetent parent, a baby on my hip and three bags thrown over my shoulder as I tried to console the inconsolable child about the dress she wasn't wearing!

By the time I picked her up at the end of class she was all smiles...it was all forgotten as quickly as it happened...and the dress sat unnoticed on the table the rest of the day.

We all cling to things, sometimes so irrationally...we have our warm cozy places we like to stay, our comfort zones.  We balk when asked to step outside of these boundaries...we'd rather show up week after week wearing the same clothes than take any sort of risk or try something new.  I sat in the study today, and couldn't help but laugh a little to myself, thinking about the ordeal we'd gone through that morning...and turning reflective about how I too cling to things that are silly and foolish.

There's a whole world of possibility (or closet full of new outfits) when you are willing to take that leap of faith, that step out into the unknown.  I sense God's call in my life as I begin this new year to do just that.  I sense His urging me to do more...to be more bold, to make the most of opportunities He gives me, to dwell on Him more often, to pray more fervently...to get outside my comfort zone of complacency and comfort and really WORK toward His higher purposes for my life.  A lofty goal?  Perhaps....but I'll never know till I lay that pink dress aside and move forward, trusting Him.

Ice, Ice, Baby

 Well, if  it's going to be 5 degrees out, you may as well have some ice to show for it....an ice rink, that is!  After a week of grooming the rink it looks like it is finally ready for some skating action.  (Didn't help that it was 50 degrees again last weekend!)  Sienna was even able to get in on the action with a little help from Reese at first...chair skating anyone??...and a walker constructed by Derrick using a Pinterest tutorial.  She was able to skate all by herself with it and was having an absolute blast!  Even little Lawson got in on the action, though he's not ready for skates yet...he's got an impressive slap shot and has the determination of a professional hockey player, trying to hit the puck around on the slippery ice.  Our little athlete in the making!

The Food of Faith...

 I'm not always good at being still.  Life moves at a fast pace in this house, not always by choice, mind you...that's just the nature of living life with 4 young children.  I've found my faith tested in so many ways, in trying to make a time of stillness to meditate on the Lord, despite the almost constant lack thereof.  I stay up later and wake up earlier in search of that elusive quietude...  But I've often discovered that this too, is a test of faith, that persevering to make the time to be with the Lord only serves to increase faith further.  I have to really will to make it happen, and when it does, that time is precious.  I never come away from a time of stillness with the Lord and think, wow, that was a waste of time.  No, I always come away with a deeper appreciation of His love for me, His provisions for my life, His strength and power to work through the situations I am dealing with.  

This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength  Isaiah 30:15

And something He's been showing me again and again over the past year is to trust Him even when my every inclination is to run in the opposite direction screaming.  He's shown me that there can be tremendous growth when I trust Him even in the most difficult circumstances.  

I like my comfort food.  I'd be so content to exist on a steady diet of sweets and carbs.  I want doughnuts so much more than I want kale and carrot sticks.  I'm a creature of comfort and I like to dwell in the soft, warm happy places, not the rocky, sad, cold ones...

I heard this quote by George Mueller this past week and love how it describes our trials as the "food of faith."  If you haven't read about George Mueller at all, take the time to look him up and find out a little more about how his faith played out in his life and impacted thousands of needy orphan children.

I don't look at my life right now and think of it as a "quiet" time....there are so many things happening, screaming for my attention, distracting me from any sense of quietness, tugging at me to give in and give up in defeat.  But even in this, there is a lesson God is teaching me.  His quietness can stretch across even the most difficult situations to give us that overwhelming sense of peace.  His power flexes even stronger and more visibly when we trust Him in situations that make us shudder and quake in fear.  

God delights to increase the faith of His children. 

Our faith, which is feeble at first, is developed and 

strengthened more and more by use.  

We ought, instead of wanting no trials before victory,

 no exercise for patience, to be willing to take them from 

God's hand as a means.  

I say, and say it deliberately, trials, 

obstacles, difficulties, 

and sometimes defeat, are the very food of faith....

Just so surely as we ask to have our faith strengthened, 

we must feel a willingness to take from God's hand the 

means for strengthening it.  We must allow Him to educate 

us through trials and bereavements and troubles. 

It is through trials that faith is exercised 

and developed more and more.  

~ George Mueller

The Stain Expert

 I awoke this morning to an earth, completely blanketed in a layer of perfect, fluffy, white snow.  There is such a calming effect, seeing everything coated in white...such a new appreciation for each tiny twig on every tree when it has those sparkly white flakes resting on it.  What all seemed gray and dreary and unattractive just yesterday is now a glorious glittering masterpiece!  Of course, then the crazy kiddos awoke and the furor of flying coats and mittens began.  They completely skipped breakfast in favor of several hours of outdoor play in the winter wonderland.

I was reminded, while looking out at the sparkling white snow, of a verse last night from the Psalms....it is Psalm 51:7  Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

I love the transforming aspect of snow...how it instantly makes something rather unattractive seem brighter and more beautiful.

If there is one thing that drives me crazy about my kids, it's how quickly they destroy their clothes.  It seems like the second they put on a new shirt or new pair of pants, it's destined for the laundry tub with some incredibly difficult or large stain.  I have 8 years of stain removing background under my belt now, but still, I never seem to be able to get the clothes looking quite like new again.  Aren't we all in this same boat...we are pretty skilled at making messes.  And no matter how hard we work at it, it seems like we can never really remove all residue of "stains" that are left behind.

Such is not the case with God...He is the Master Stain Remover...the Expert!  He can take any mess and clean it up again.  He promises us, (Revelation 21`:5)  Behold I am making all things new!  No matter how ugly our lives become, He offers us renewal and restoration.  He can cleanse us completely, so much better than my feeble efforts in the laundry room ever could.

Sharpening...

I walked into Dick's Sporting Goods the other afternoon with a bag of three pairs of ice skates slung over my shoulder.  My mission was to have the skates sharpened in time for the kids first hockey lesson next week.  The kids had already tested out their new skates once last week and Carter was very insistent that he didn't want his to be sharpened.  He was happy with them the way they were.

Isn't that an all too human response to change?  Don't we all cling to the things we are comfortable with, sometimes at the expense of having something even better?  Ever so much better...  Could it be that we are missing out on the thing that will truly allow us to "get a grip" on life because we are content with our dull, old way of life?

The sharpening process is a difficult one...it requires an abrasive, rubbing away of something.  You have to lose something to gain something.  There is pain and discomfort involved and you might have to relearn your way of doing something.  But it's not all bad.

Proverbs 27:17 says, "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another."

In this context I believe we are hearing about a good kind of sharpening....one that leaves both recipients more focused, more determined, more able to live the kind of lives they were designed to live. We can all be dulled by the daily grind...sometimes it's good to take a break and ask the Lord for a good sharpening session, and not to fear what happens next....

My kids keep me sharpened, perhaps not knowingly but just by the responsibility I feel to raise them to the best of my ability.  Though my senses may often seem dulled by sleep deprivation and sheer exhaustion, I feel sharper now than ever due to the constant challenges they present in my daily life.  And they bring me so much joy..,,and always some good laughs.

The other night Reese fell asleep on the rocking chair with the cat and Derrick carried her up to brush her teeth.  He stood her on the stool in front of the sink.  (Our bedtime routine is always to have them brush teeth and use the potty before they get tucked in.)  She was so out of it from being asleep, she turned around with her back to the sink, started to pull down her pants and put her hands back on the counter so as to life herself up to go to the bathroom in the sink.  We all completely lost it at that point.  Derrick grabbed her and put her down on the toilet and she suddenly realized her mistake and also started to laugh.

I've also discovered an instant mood-booster for the two girls.  Both ways driving to Syracuse last week, Sienna was in a sour mood about going into a rest stop to use the bathroom.  But her mood was instantly lifted when she walked over to the hand dryer to dry her hands.  She and Reese would have stood there for hours letting the air blast out on their hands...they were laughing hysterically.  We were in Trader Joe's the other day and she had to use the bathroom and again, she and Reese were laughing so loud I think everyone in the store probably heard their delighted screams.  As we left the bathroom, I felt like giving a polite disclaimer to anyone who was nearby, "Sorry about that...they really like hand dryers..."

Press on

I read this verse yesterday and it really grabbed hold of my heart.  There is so little in this life that is truly certain.  So much of what we cling to for our security seems like nothing more than shifting sand at times.  But knowing God gives me so much peace, so much strength to overcome the difficulties in life.  I love the emphasis of Pressing On to know Him.  It takes work...hard work sometimes, to pursue Him in a meaningful way.  There are so many distractions that pull me away from my time with Him.

He waters my parched soul with His grace and His peace and His love for me.  He brings me renewed Hope and gives me reason to wake up each morning with praises on my lips.

Hockey time

Carter and Reese now own an impressive amount of hockey gear, thanks to the Little Penguins program.   They'll be starting their lessons next week and are excited to give hockey a try.  Lawson was enthusiastic about playing too, when he saw them running around with their sticks in the basement  and he seemed to get the concept of hitting the ball with the stick right away.  I think he's going to be our little athlete...he wants to try EVERYTHING!  He can kick a ball and chase it around with great persistence, knows how to swing a bat and racket (which he will often test out on an unsuspecting sibling's head), and now knows how to use a hockey stick.

New Year

 I can hardly believe 2015 is now a thing of the past.  What a year it was.  We were very blessed to spend the final hours, staying with family in Syracuse for a long weekend together.  The kids enjoyed playing many rounds of Uno, making snowmen on the deck with 1 inch of snow, ice skating in downtown Syracuse, visiting their first trampoline park, and so much more.  They do love their cousins.  Carter even managed to stay up until midnight with the older kids on New Years Eve, quite a feat after getting up at 5 am to drive there that morning!  He was excited to experience his first New Years celebration.

Gearing up for her first skate!

As I sat and watching the countdown to 2016, the glittering ball dropping down over Times Square, there were a huge range of emotions running through my mind.  Everything from relief, to deep sadness, to a glimpse of the hope that comes with a fresh beginning.  As I turn the page into January of 2016, it is very hard to just leave behind all that happened this past year.  Can I leave it all behind ever, truly?  I have a story now that I never would have imagined for myself in a million years.  This is not the path I would have chosen for myself.  I was much more comfortable with my life before all these challenges began, before it was crazy hard to wake up in the morning and not feel this heaviness all the time.  But intermingled with that, there is always still hope.  

There is hope in the rising of the sun each day, there is hope when I look at the sweet faces of my children and see how quickly they are growing and changing, and there is hope in the knowledge that God is in control, even in the midst of what appears to be so much chaos. 

Let this be my battle cry for 2016...

My Hope is in the Lord.  

Let me not lose heart when the battle gets fierce.  Let me not lose focus when it's tempting to give in and give up. 

 As far as resolutions go, I find my resolve is to focus more on my relationship with God, to hear what He has for me to do, to find meaning in helping others who are in need, to encourage others with whatever strength He's given me to overcome my own obstacles.

Trying the Ninja Course!