Moments and Milestones

1 Cesarean and 5 VBACs...the method of delivery and all the details that once seemed so critically important...now all the memories blend together in a blur.  What I remember most in all those childbirths is the first time I held each one of them.  Those first miraculous moments of life...  First time parent concerns of healthy homemade baby food, carefully documenting every milestone, photographing every new age and stage and recording in a perfectly organized scrapbook have given way to a much more chaotic, hardly organized progression of burping to laughing to sitting to crawling....  Now simultaneously parenting an infant and a teenager is enough to make one's head spin.

How did we get here?  How did a couple of kids who got married 17 years ago and wanted a couple of kids end up with 6 kids, a dog and a bunny?

Today on Mother's Day, I spent some time reminiscing about the past 13+ years of being a parent.  And all I could think about what how incredibly THANKFUL I am for the way my children have blessed me, have helped me to become a more humble and patient and self-sacrificing person than I ever could have been on my own.  They taught me...as much as I'd like to think it is the other way around.  Oh, of course I taught them many things as well...but it was a mutual give and take...a shared education in how to live and love and exist in a space with others harmoniously.  

As important as the milestones and the details once were, I now focus on the moments.  I revel in the afternoons lying on our backs on the trampoline gazing up at the clouds, at the tiny bouquets of weeds Eva picks for me or the gummy grins Tessa gives me, or the bear hugs I still get from Lawson every morning.  I revel in the way the older kids dote on their baby sister, how Eva makes her own homemade "cards" for different members of the family every day.

I am learning more with each passing month to cherish the moments.  These years are passing by all too quickly, and will soon be but a memory.  But I know God is using these moments to teach me, to shape me into the person He wants me to be, just as my children are growing and developing into the people He wants them to be.  Many people thank their mothers on Mother's Day...but I am thanking my children, and God, for giving me the chance to be a mother.

 

Cling to What is Good...

 There was quite a drama playing out over the past two weeks with the middle child in the Berad family.  You would have thought there was a much more serious situation at hand than just a loose tooth, and NEVER would I have imagined this drama playing out for as long as it did.  Over this two week period, my daughter grew more and more afraid to eat any foods that required serious chewing, she grew more and more anxious about the tooth actually falling out.  For most of these mornings she would actually wake up and be physically sick to her stomach all from the feeling of the loose tooth in her mouth.  She'd frequently have a tissue in her mouth, pinched on either side of the tooth to try to keep it upright and catch any blood.  By the end of two weeks, she kept trying to straighten the tooth (it was hanging forward at this point) and would keep saying, "See, I fixed it!"  Clearly not!  I tried to explain that there was no possible way she could keep this tooth from falling out of her mouth.  But, oh the relief, the burden lifted the night the tooth finally fell out.  She was able to eat again, she was acting normally, she wasn't getting sick in the morning any more.

As I was thinking about all of this, I began to make some connections in my mind...of the things we ALL hold on to that are not doing us any good.  How often do we cling to things that hurt us, rather than things that are good for us?  How many burdens do we shoulder on our own, when we have Someone Who has offered to carry them for us?

Matthew 11:28-30 (NLT) says, "Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

How often do I literally sicken myself...with worry and anxiety, with fatigue, with fear, with misjudgment...and try to carry these backbreaking burdens on my own, thinking I can handle them.  My ego can be so headstrong and so foolish.  I am not a quick learner.  I look ridiculous, hanging on to these things which are clearly hurting me, but that I think I need so badly.  But God is reminding me all the while...."Release this to Me.  Let Me carry this for you.  All you need is Me."

How many times will I have to learn and re-learn this lesson for it to fully stick?  God is my strength and my all-in-all...  God is the constant my soul longs for, the never-changing, always present Help in times of trouble.  No matter how tightly I grasp on to material possessions, to relationships, to my sense of control...I will not have any greater success with these than my daughter Sienna had in willing her loose tooth to stay in her mouth.  Our ever-changing lives beg for a constant to grab hold of.  Our souls long for rest in this weary world we live in.  Cling to what is Good...what will last...the Rock Eternal, our ever-faithful Friend.

Pressure...

Sienna is making this face because a bee
has just landed on her chin!!

In spite of vacation being a time of enjoyment, a change of scenery, and special memories made with family, there is not a lot of relaxation when vacationing with 5 kids under the age of 12!  It feels like there is so much pressure to create the perfect family memories, have the perfect family photo, spend quality time together where everyone is smiling and getting along beautifully...well...I hate to break it to you but that's just not how we roll on our vacations.  From before sun-up until 10 pm, there is crying, there are demands, there are arguments and cat fights and injuries needing kisses and bandaids.  There are constant disagreements about "Should we leave the beach?"  "Should we stay?"  "What should we eat for lunch?"  "Who gets to sleep in their own bed?"  "Do I need to wear sunblock?"  "He hit me."  "She called me....."

Sienna posing for picture with her long-labored-after
castles while Eva dives in to destroy them!!

So here I am...bearing it all with no shame whatsoever....because I don't believe in perfect.  And actually, I believe that a fair amount of pressure is necessary in order to shape me into the kind of person, the kind of parent, I'm meant to be.

Now that we are home, I keep getting asked, "How was your vacation?  Was it relaxing?"  No, of course it wasn't relaxing!  Derrick and I actually commented to each other one day when we were BOTH sitting in chairs on the beach how wonderfully unexpected it was to get 10 minutes to sit down...at the same time!! 

She was running away from
every photo...last resort!!!

Often when pressure is applied to my life, I cringe.  I desire things to go at a certain pace, on a predictable schedule.  I don't like surprises or bumps in the road.  Anything that takes me off the path of "my way" constricts my sense of calm, my control, and even my joy.  But pressure always creeps up on me, and often at the least expected moments.  So what am I to do?  Am I to do anything at all or is there instead a lesson to be learned?

When I am trying to get all five kids to take a photo together and three are in tears, one has a bleeding foot and one keeps running away, I am feeling a great deal of pressure!

Upon arriving home after 11 brutal hours in the car, I noticed how dry everything was from the hot weather and lack of rain.  I wandered over to the vegetable garden, hose in hand, watering some of our parched plants.  The hose had no nozzle, and the water could only reach a couple of feet in front of me, until I placed my thumb over the opening and applied pressure.  Suddenly, the water jetted out at a great speed, and now I was able to water plants that were 20 feet away.  Pressure made the job of watering more efficient and effective.  Pressure helped me to accomplish my task in a way that just the running hose could not have done.

The only photo that turned out...

So here is my reflection for today.  Is life meant to be made up of picture-perfect moments and straight and level roads, or are the trials, the hardships, the food-fights and bleeding injuries allowed to happen for a reason?  What do I do when the pressure is on?  Can I truly accept it and see the potential to grow from it?  I know that I am a better parent today than I was when I first had Carter almost 12 years ago, and that is certainly due to no skill or talent of mine.  I have learned from the trenches.  I have learned how God loves me and continually forgives me for all of my missteps by parenting my children.  I have

Nerds...magical powers of bribery

learned that being under pressure forces me to look at each day with a new sense of appreciation.  Being under pressure causes me to focus more on how I treat others.  Being under pressure forces me to surrender my will and my way and lean on God for the strength to continue.

Not My Ways...

"We want to make pancakes!!!" was the first thing my 4 and 6- year-old cried as we made our way into the kitchen yesterday morning.  "OK, we'll make pancakes for breakfast." 

"I want to crack the eggs!"
"I want to stir!"
"I want to get the pans out."
"I want to pour out the batter."
"I want to flip them."
"I want to eat a pancake!!"  (This was Eva)


The requests came steady and demanding.  The task would have been infinitely more efficient if I wasn't trying to reach around three children to ensure that nobody got hurt, and that all pancakes were cooked through and pulled off the scalding hot pans before they burned.  One by one, our plate of pancakes grew until we had a steaming stack, ready to eat. 

******

I could hear footsteps, following me into our backyard shed and then a questioning voice with the sweetest little inflection on the end, "What are you doing, Mama?" 
"I'm filling the bird feeders Eva."
"I do it," she declared
"OK, Eva," I sighed.  What else could I say?  I love her and I want to let her help me.  But often her help is not so helpful, shall we say.

As I took the top of the first bird feeder off, she scooped the birdseed out of the bin we keep it in and was ready with an overflowing cupful.  She tipped the cup over and most of the contents missed the feeder and dumped out all over me.  "Careful, Eva, try to do it again," I urged her.  Painstakingly, we made our way from feeder to feeder, filling all six of them one by one, with much coaching along the way.  We finished the task, but again and again the thought popped into my mind, "I could do this so much faster, so much better, without all of this help."

And then, with a verse, God put me in my place....flipped this right back around and reminded me how I try to go about my days, helping Him.  But He did more than that...He reminded me of how Jesus chose fishermen... a tax collector...to be His disciples... His right-hand men.  He could have done a lot better, I might dare to think...  But He allowed the most unlikely helpers, to walk beside Him, to witness His miracles, to see Him interacting with people every day, to hear His teachings.  I am unworthy to carry out even His most simple tasks, and yet, He chooses to work through a weak and inadequate human being like me.  Is His love for all mankind really this great?  How can this be??  

Isaiah 55:8-9 (NIV)

 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,”

declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts

My ways are higher than your ways...

But God, I can handle this...  
I know what I'm doing....
If I can just get through this busy day, I promise I'll make some time to read my Bible at the end...

My ways are higher than your ways...

But God, this doesn't make any sense.  You're taking me in the opposite direction of where I should be going.  This can't possibly be the best path.  You can't possibly expect me to do this....

My ways are higher than your ways...

You're right, God.  You know SO much better than me.  Just as the kids wanted to help me and the help wasn't so very helpful, I try to take control of situations all day every day when I need to remember that You are still in charge.  Your ways are so beyond my comprehension.  You've already ordered and numbered my days.  How could I ever forget all of this? 

Psalm 86:11 (NIV)

Teach me your way, Lord,

that I may rely on your faithfulness;

give me an undivided heart,

that I may fear your name.

A Run at Night by Firefly Light...

I was listening to the radio while driving this morning and a question the host asked caught my attention.  "What do you absolutely love about parenting?"  I listened as people started to call in with their answers...."my kids make me laugh"  "I love seeing my kids having fun together"...and then, I heard this, "I love how they help me to see things through a different set of eyes."  Wow...just take a minute to let that soak in.  Yes, for me, that is truly what I value most in parenting.  I can't imagine who I would be today were it not for the perspective changing journey of parenting.



A change of perspective is often very eye-opening and revealing.  A few nights ago I decided to go for a run after 9 pm...definitely not typical for me.  There was still some lingering daylight as I started out, but as the light quickly faded, I was greeted by numerous fireflies, beginning their light show for the evening.  I watched as the pink and purple sky grew darker and darker.  Streetlights began to flicker on, the neighborhood was quiet and the air was still...my senses were tuned in to so many things I would normally have ignored altogether.  The sidewalk in my neighborhood, which I have walked countless times, was transformed into a flickering light show for me to enjoy...

Beautiful Scarlet Tanager in our yard

I appreciate these opportunities to see things from a different perspective, whether I'm granted them through my kids or through other experiences I have.  It reminds me that life here on this earth is just a dim shadow of what it will someday be.  Our view, our perspective here on earth, is so shallow and small compared with the reality of what awaits us someday.  I am humbled and amazed when God reveals a new truth to me...when something ordinary becomes...extraordinary.

I love 1 Corinthians  13:12 (MSG) which says, "We don't yet see things clearly.  We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist.  But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright!  We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing Him directly just as He knows us!"

Open my eyes, God, to what it is You want me to see each day.  Help me not to put my focus on the wrong things, but only on You.

You Can't Always Win...

 Over the past few months, as I have been recovering from my foot surgery, I spent a lot of time trying to find ways to entertain the kids from a recumbent position.  Lawson is incredibly fond of playing soccer on the PlayStation, so I indulged him in frequent soccer matches where I usually let him win.  I soon discovered though, that this was a mistake.  The more games we played, the more he expected to win.  He would get angry if I had possession of the ball for too long.  He'd erupt in tears if I scored a goal against him.  He didn't want his team to be challenged at any point of the game and he always wanted to win.

Life isn't about winning everything, every time.  As I watched my older kids play in a soccer tournament today, it was hard to see both of their teams play valiantly but lose to more skilled teams.  I tried to encourage them afterwards about what they learned, and what they could take away from those losses.



Every loss can teach us something.  Every disappointment gives us a new perspective on life.  Our pride may be bruised, our outlook challenged...but we must press on.  I encourage my kids to pick themselves up and keep on trying...and I must do the same.

What is God trying to teach me through my losses?  Am I, in fact, meant to lose...so that I can fully grasp the things that are important in this life?  In losing things that are dear to my heart, am I given a glimpse of what lies beyond for me?

But God, why must I lose so many things?  It isn't right...it isn't fair?  How can this be a part of Your plan?  What good can come from any of this?

The questions mount up in my mind, begging to differ with the Master.  I balk and whine, just like my 4-year-old son who wants the game to always go according to his plans.

God opens my eyes in my losses.  He enables me to see things I never would have taken the time to notice.  He gives me new purpose and perspective, and a "prize" to aspire to.  In the day to day, does this make my losses any easier to bear?  Perhaps not...but it does give me hope...



Philippians 3:7-14 says, 
"But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

Blessed Quiet...

 "Why is it that the kids' only volume seems to be screaming lately?"  I asked this question of my husband the other day.  Frustrated to say the least, I urged them for only the fortieth time that day to lower their voices when we are inside and all in the same room together.  After many months of spending much of our recreational time outdoors, the beginning of the colder months is a difficult transition.  I'm tired...run down by life...struggling with my painful losses.  I long for space...for open-air and the warm sunlight shining down on me....I long for the quiet of the outdoors...for peace.


Yesterday we had a welcome resurgence of the warmer temperatures, but with it came  strong gusty winds.  As all the Fall leaves were nearing their peak of color, the winds ripped them easily from the trees and sent them swirling and spiraling through the skies in mini tornadoes of color. 

Is this where you find yourself today?  Caught up in a chaotic whirlwind of activity - covering your ears to drown out some of the distracting "noise", overwhelmed by the pressures and trials of life, longing for rest...longing for blessed quiet...

Matthew 11:28-29 (AMPC)Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy-laden and overburdened, and I will cause you to rest. [I will ease and relieve and refresh your souls.]

29 Take My yoke upon you and learn of Me, for I am gentle (meek) and humble (lowly) in heart, and you will find rest (relief and ease and refreshment and recreation and blessed quiet) for your souls.

Maybe I wasn't able to lie down and physically "rest" today.  Maybe this verse is more about being present in His Presence.  Maybe my attitudes, my focus, my hope and trust in His plan are what bring me rest, a sense of true calm in the otherwise tumultuous whirlwind of life. 


I seek out moments of quiet in my not-so-quiet world. And in Him I find that quiet and that rest...

Too Much of a Good Thing...

Oh that I could be a more narrow-minded person! 

I'll bet you weren't expecting me to say that...but let me clarify!

An image of walking behind my daughter Sienna comes to mind.  We were out for a walk in the neighborhood this summer and she insisted on pushing the stroller.  Again and again she veered off of the sidewalk into the grass.
"Look, a bunny!"
"What are those kids doing over there?"
"Look at that pretty flower!"

She could not keep her mind focused on the task at hand, of successfully pushing the stroller down the center of the sidewalk.  She kept getting distracted by all of the sights and sounds along the way. 

She was taking her eyes off her destination and placing her focus on other, less important things - (all at the expense of baby Eva's comfort and safety too!)

After so many "infractions" of almost crashing Eva into several mailboxes and running her stroller into the bumpy grass, I finally took control again.

This reminded me too of another story.  One day last month the girls and I, along with some friends, visited a famous shave ice stand in Pittsburgh.  I offered to get each of them a small ice and their faces lit up when they saw all the flavors to choose from.  All four of them, without hesitation, asked for EVERY flavor.  And do you know what???  Not a single one of them fully finished their ice.  It turned out that every flavor was just too much.  The sensory overload of ten different flavored syrups was not at all pleasing to the tongue, and was much too strong to enjoy.

Is such a dazzling array of choices really always a good thing - or is it better if I am more singularly focused?  Am I keeping in mind, steadfastly, my destination?  Am I easily distracted...taking  my eyes off the road to look right and left...then finding myself in trouble?  Am I narrowing in my concentration on the ONE thing that truly matters and the ONE Who will satisfy me beyond all measure?

Deuteronomy 6:5-9 

5 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your 

soul and with all your strength. 

6 These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts.

 7 Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home 

and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. 

8 Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. 

9 Write them on the door frames of your houses and on your gates."

Coloring Outside the Lines...

This is not a post about my perfectly well-behaved children or our amazing day together which ran just as smoothly as I had anticipated.  No, this is a story filled with messiness, temper tantrums, of kids not listening, of spills and clean-ups, of picking up the pieces and moving on in a far-less-than-perfect state, of acceptance...

Life is messy.

Just take a moment, step away from those Facebook and Instagram posts of everyone smiling and looking put-together to let this fact sink in.  We don't like the messiness of it all.  We don't like to admit things aren't always, (most of the time are not) perfect.

This morning I let Eva use watercolor paints...while she was wearing a white pajama shirt.  And as you might imagine any 19-month-old would do, she made a total rainbow mess of herself.  But instead of becoming frustrated, a smile came to my lips as I realized...this is my life right now...it's just messy...and that is OK!

I'm learning, ever so slowly, not to lower my expectations but to widen them.  What I think is "Right" isn't always the best.  I need to let my kids experience the world around them, getting messy along the way.  Doesn't my own Heavenly Father give me that same freedom? 

Oh how quick I am to jump in and stop my kids from making a "mistake."  Sometimes, I need to bite my tongue and just let them experience...learn...and make messes.  Even some big ones.


My own life often seems less-than-perfect.  As much as I might strive for a clean house, an organized calendar, making it to my appointments on time, getting dinner on the table every night, keeping everything running smoothly and orderly...the reality is I can't do it all and I have to accept that and move on. 

Driving my minivan with 5 kids down the highway today, I called my Mom on the phone and was trying to fill her in about our day.  "Won't you come and sit here next to me on this chair?" she asked me, thinking I was not on the phone but actually with her in person.  "I can't Mom, I'm sorry...I'm in the car right now."  I was clenching my jaw to keep from bursting out in tears in front of the kids...keeping my emotions at bay.  Life is messy...

Widen those expectations...remember life isn't perfect...it's messy here on earth.  Remember too that God knows all of this, and He cares.  He understands our struggles.  He wants us to learn and grow stronger through them.  And He wants us, more than anything else, to turn to Him for help every day.  He pursues me, even in my messiness...He is preparing a place for me in Heaven someday...a place that is perfect.

Sometimes I have to step back and just let my kids color outside the lines from time to time, realizing that my own life is not always defined by the boundaries I self-impose... I can't and I won't understand the messiness at times, and it is in those moments where I must quietly look away from the mess and turn my eyes heavenward...

Isaiah 55:8-9

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

    neither are your ways my ways,”

declares the Lord.

9 

“As the heavens are higher than the earth,

    so are my ways higher than your ways

    and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Hot Mess of a Day...

A very wise friend of mine said to me the other day that, "you don't know what you can handle until you have to handle it."  This could not be more true.  When I look at everything that happened  in my family, in just the last week, I shake my head and smile...thinking back to the "good old days" before kids.

The day started with Lawson coming out of his room soaking wet with pee...another load of laundry to start off the day!

Right after breakfast we had some errands to run...I thought it would be an hour out and back, no big deal. 

Tantrum #1 We don't want to go! 
Tamtrum #2 I don't want to wear those shoes! 

There was much bickering and fighting in the car the whole ride to Sam's Club.

Tantrum #3 reared it's ugly head when there was a long line at the bakery and we couldn't get our usual free cookies.  Lawson was having none of that!

When we arrived at their "freeosk" to get the free sample there was nearly a fistfight between Sienna and Lawson over who got to scan the card to get the free sample.

Tantrum #4 Sienna had a fit when I let Lawson scan the card and eat the freebie which today was 1 peppermint.

Next we stopped to fill the car up with gas.  I had just started to pump the gas, all kids were happy since I let them all have an applesauce pouch to eat.  Suddenly all of them started screaming hysterically.  I stopped pumping and jumped forward to shoo a bee out of the car which was hovering an inch from Sienna's nose and in the process dripped gasoline all over my foot.  This wasn't technically a tantrum but still involved a great deal of screaming, which at this point I am growing very tired of...

We went to Target next.  Kids posed for one cute photo in front of the store and it all went downhill from there.  Carter commented as we were standing in line to get medicine for Eva, "Momma you still smell like gas"....lovely!
Lawson was running ahead, grabbing random items off the shelves and carrying them back to the cart...a size 14 boy's swimsuit, an infant pacifier, a baby rattle, a Paw Patrol sippy cup, adult multivitamins...

The cashier gave each child a sticker and wished me a Happy Mother's Day...ironic??

Last stop, grocery store to pick up some gift cards.  As I parked ANOTHER bee flew in the  window and hit me in the forehead.  Seriously!  Lawson saw goldfish crackers as we were getting into line and threw them into the cart.  I had 4 items to scan and on the 3rd item he reached up and hit the "finish and Pay" button on the touch screen.  A store associate came to help me finish checking out and I inadvertently forgot to pay for the goldfish This resulted in the Mt. Vesuvius of Tantrams (#5).  I had to drag Lawson out of the store kicking and screaming.  People were stopping to watch the spectacle.  I suspect some of them thought I was trying to abduct a child, but really, why would I take a child when I already had 4 others with me??  I stopped outside the store to try and calm him down.  We happened to stop near a pair of sunglasses someone had dropped on the ground and I commented loudly that someone had lost sunglasses.  A woman heard me and turned to walk back over and when she saw they were hers she was gushing with appreciation as they were a brand new and expensive pair of glasses.  Well, that's one silver lining!

Upon arriving home, I managed to drop a brand new glass jar of jelly on the garage floor, which shattered and splattered everywhere.  The garage door broke when I opened it...and Lawson dropped a 1/2 gallon of milk on the floor.  Oh and Eva let another bee into the house.  What is it with the BEES today?!?!?!

I'm declaring this day a total defeat.  All three of my little ones are running around the house without shirts on right now due to spills and leaky diapers...  I think we will have an early bedtime tonight!

Beautiful Dependence...

When I first caught a glimpse of the tiny clutch of delicate blue eggs, my heart skipped a beat and a smile spread across my face. They were so fragile and beautiful with their little brown speckles, nestled with such care in the grass and fluff that was so lovingly crafted into a nest.  What a perfect picture of true dependence, of the need to trust in someone else for one's care.  The growing chicks inside these eggs are utterly helpless, and even after hatching, they will still need constant care and attention for weeks to come.  The parents attend to them ceaselessly - never complaining or begrudging this exhausting annual process.  The success of the nestlings and their ability to reach the fledgling stage and leave their first "home"is completely dependent on the parents' ability and total dedication care for them.

Some days with my children go more smoothly than others.  I must admit that the weather this spring has not made things easy, with so many days spent indoors, cooped up together.  Do I begrudge these years that they are so difficult to handle at times, that they are so needy and demanding and dependent upon me for their care?  Do I cherish the sacred vocation of parenting and see these challenging times as a gift and a calling, or do I complain and get frustrated and wish it all away?  I'm ashamed to admit there are far too many days I lean more toward the latter than the former. 

God has given me this amazing opportunity to care for the needs of others.  May He help me to see it as that, to see how fleeting this time I have with my children truly is.  May He help me to trust Him int he very difficult times and to remember the way He parents me.  He never leaves me, never forsakes me, always forgives a repentant heart.  He covers me with His wings, He shields me from harm, He shows me the path I should take. 

Lord, let me see and appreciate daily the beautiful dependency that is parenting, and remember all the ways you parent me.  Give me grace and strength to be the kind of parent you want me to be and to be ever thankful for the way you have watchfully cared for me all of my life...

The messes...and the miracles...

Baked beans and mashed potatoes...yummmm

Sometimes, we need messes.

Now let me explain that statement.  I live in a constant state of chaos in this house.  No matter how many hours I pour into it, it's never really "clean".  Try as I may to keep things in order, 5 kids can easily trash the place in a matter of minutes.  Their clothes are messy from mealtime, playing outside, art projects gone awry.  Eva followed me around while I tried to pick up each room tonight and pulled out shoes, books and papers right after I had just picked things up.  After I cleaned the floors, she got out the older kids muddy shoes and banged them all over the floor leaving mud and sand everywhere.

I've gone from a neat freak who vacuumed my house every day and had every room neat and orderly before I went to bed at night to the kind of person who just stuffs thing behind closed doors or underneath beds and waits till later to put it away.  The truth is, I had to...I couldn't keep up.  (Unless I completely gave up sleep, but that's just not happening!)

I sighed when Carter wore a new fleece sweatshirt he just got for Christmas outside to play in the muddy yard with his friends last night...splattering the entire thing in mud.

I urged Sienna not to wear her new pants today, which are too long and meant for the fall...but she wore them anyway, getting the cuffs all beat up.

I grimaced the other night when Eva decided to "wear" her dinner on a non-bath night.

I didn't know what to do when we were leaving the house to go out to eat and Lawson had no shoes to wear.  His were wet and muddy from playing outside all afternoon.  So he wore soccer cleats...out to a restaurant...why not??

I got a gaping hole ripped in my knee the other day when trying to run with the dog.  She yanked hard on her leash, and while I unsuccessfully tried to tug her back on course I managed to trip on a pipe protruding from the ground and fell flat on my face.

Neat and tidy just aren't a part of my world anymore.  And I'm OK with that.  In the midst of all the madness, I'm reminded daily of why I do all of this.  I'm reminded when one of my dear ones cuddles up on my lap with a book that the way my house looks isn't going to be something I remember 40 years from now.  It's not about the messes...

I'm reminded that the aches and pains I suffer, the inconveniences and detours I encounter along the way can either shut me down, or shape me into a better person. 

I need these messes...to humble me, to grow me, to point me to an Almighty God who is at the ready to help me with all my problems, big and small.  He meets me right smack in the middle of my stickiest, messiest moments without hesitation.  He embraces my imperfection with grace and love and mercy.  He doesn't judge me for my inability to "be perfect."  This kind of grace calms my heart, brings me back to square one, reminds me of the kind of grace I need to be showing my own kids, every single day.

They aren't going to be perfect.  They aren't going to suddenly fall in line with all my expectations and aspirations for them. They're going to keep making messes.  And I'll love them all the same.

I need messes to remind me of my own desperate need for God. 

Always in sight...

I have learned, too often the hard way, to always keep a visual on my youngest son.  He's now 3 years old and is completely fearless.  I mean, climbs up the cabinets to get himself a cup and fills it himself at the sink, fearless.  I mean, takes the car keys, goes out into the garage and starts the car, fearless.  When you ask him if he knows how to drive the car, he answers without hesitation, "Yes!"  This kid drives me completely crazy!

Today was just destined to be "one of those days".  The morning started off with my phone dying..as in RIP forever dying.  In the midst of getting the baby fed and put down for a nap I lost track of Lawson for a few minutes, only to find that he had gone into the garage to play with his Power Wheels Jeep.  When the Jeep wouldn't start (the battery was dead), he just assumed it needed some gas.  So he uncapped the gas can that was sitting there and tried to fill it with gasoline.  I walked out to the strong smell of spilled gas and let's just say there was a rather loud confrontation that followed...ahem!  The final drama for the day was when Carter came running outside to find me, blood dripping down the front of his face and his fist in a ball.  He only had to open his mouth for me to see the gaping hole where a tooth had once been....and his fist was holding that tooth.  A frantic call to the dentist to have them check his most recent x-rays confirmed that it (thankfully!) was a baby tooth.

My kids are at an age right now, at least the younger three, that I need to keep a close eye on them at all times.  When I fail to do so, things can get out of hand very quickly, and the day is far more stressful.  I feel like this is such a parallel for the way I include God in my day. On days I just breeze through without giving Him a second thought, I often find myself discouraged, frazzled, and at the end of my rope.  I should keep His words readily on my lips; I am urged to think about it day and night.  He promises to go with me, anywhere and everywhere.  Thank goodness, He is always in sight, always watching over me, always ready to carry me through my sticky spots, my toughest dilemmas. 

Joshua 1:7-9

“Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” 

Contender...

 What does it mean to be a contender?


As I go about my days, am I living them with true intention...with purpose...with dignity...with determination...with a constant striving for excellence?

I was challenged by a sermon this morning when the question was asked, "Are you contending for your children in prayer?"  Well...am I truly?  There are so many forces in this world, warring for the hearts and souls of my kids, even for my own time and attention and devotions.  To see them growing up so quickly, maturing and beginning to make decisions on their own, I tremble at the thought about letting my innocent babes go...little by little...off on their own.

As I sat tonight, mulling over these things...a quote came to mind.  It is a quote by Teddy Roosevelt and I remember it because it was found in the desk of Todd Beamer, the brave man who gave up his life to stop the terrorists who had hijacked Flight 93 on 9/11.  The quote goes like this,

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat."





Am I then, a contender? Will there be fruit from my labor?  Will I throw myself into the fray, not willing to sit back and watch life pass me by?  Will I truly make a difference?  When my head hits the pillow at night, can I look back over the day and truly say, "I gave it my best effort!"

When my kids all begin to move out of the house, will I be able to look back on their childhoods and say, "I gave it my best effort!"

When I get to the end of my life, whenever that may be, will I be able to look back and say, "I gave it my best effort!"

There is an enemy, looking to trip me up all along the way.  Will I be a contender...someone who battles it out on my knees in prayer...will I allow fear or depression or guilt or shame or timidity or uncertainty to hold me back?

There could be no greater or more worthy cause than to live life, and to live it FULLY...in devotion to God, in pursuit of excellence, and with the goal of being His servant, no matter the cost.

Free...

A plethora of fuzzy critters in our yard over the past few months has led us to take extreme measures lately.  After hours spent crafting our own homemade "varmint" traps, we borrowed some legit animal traps from a neighbor and set them out to work their magic.  We did not have to wait long.  In the first 24 hours we caught a bunny and a chipmunk.  Just two days later another bunny was captured.



Seeing those little creatures in a cage, struggling to find a way of escape, is rather heart-rending.  No matter the damage they have caused in our garden, their cuteness and vulnerability always leads us to treat them humanely and make multiple trips to our local park to release them.  The kids absolutely love to let them go, watching them bolt from the cage into their newfound freedom.

 What a precious thing freedom is.  As we approach a time of year that we celebrate freedom, it gives me reason to pause and reflect about what it means in my own life.  I have no idea what I did (nothing!) to deserve the privilege of being born into a country where I can live in freedom.  So many millions of people in this world are never afforded that opportunity.  So many live in outright oppression from the time of birth.  And yet, how often do I take my precious freedom for granted?

Another aspect of freedom that I dwell on tonight is the freedom God gives me...to choose how I will live my life...what I will focus on, how I will devote my time...He gives me free reign to do as I please.  As a parent with children beginning to gain more freedom of their own, I start to balk at their desires to do more and more on their own.  The thought of God, overseeing billions of people simultaneously, giving them full freedom to make their own choices...it's incredibly mind-boggling...and yet that's exactly what He does for us.

So it is, with many prayers and great trepidation, I begin to let my children have more freedom...to live their lives as they choose...to make choices and learn the (sometimes difficult) consequences of those choices.  So it is with me...that I must learn to submit my will each day to God, that I might best use the freedom He gives me...not taking it for granted...drawing on His great wisdom to guide my steps so I am not ensnared in the traps along the way...

Accepting Help...

Life looks so different once you become a parent...it is never easy...never relaxing...never what you expect.  Even after 9+ years on the job, I'm still learning new things each and every day, still being regularly humbled by my kids...still experiencing these moments where I just shake my head in wonder...and wonder how I'm going to make it through another day!  This week was particularly rough...the baby was exceptionally fussy both day and night, the kids all seemed to be fighting more than usual...nothing seemed to go as planned...

During a trip to Costco yesterday, the baby was screaming in the checkout line.  I was getting "the look" from a number of other people in line.  I took her out of her car seat and was trying to console her while pushing and pulling my two huge shopping carts and pay.  By this time there were beads of sweat forming on my forehead...I was at my breaking point.  I noticed a woman watching me from a distance.  As soon as I finished paying, she and her husband came right over and he offered to help push my heavy, grocery-filled cart out to the car and load it all up for me.  Normally I would have declined the kind offer...but the combination of the crying baby, my extreme fatigue and the windblown snow that was falling outside caused me to humble say, "Yes.  Yes, I'd love some help."






We humans are such a stubbornly self-reliant bunch.  It takes an awful lot for me to admit there's something I need help with...must be why I've been blessed with so many wonderful children, who regularly bring me to my knees in defeat!

I can envision God, watching us as our lives play out...He's sees us as we wander through our days...He sees us in that moment of need and asks, "Can I help you?"  Often we brush Him off..."I've got this, God.... I'm good....Maybe another time..."  It's interesting how often the Bible refers to God as our Shepherd...the fact that He so often has to lead us....to guide us...to rescue us when we falter and fall down.  I can truly see the blessing in these moments where I'm brought low, because literally it brings me to a place where I am closer to God, where I can sense His presence more vividly, where my strength ends and His kicks in.

Psalm 121 sums it up so beautifully...

I lift up my eyes to the mountains—

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,

the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip—

he who watches over you will not slumber;

indeed, he who watches over Israel

will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord watches over you—

the Lord is your shade at your right hand;

the sun will not harm you by day,

nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm—

he will watch over your life;

the Lord will watch over your coming and going

both now and forevermore.