Beautiful Dependence...

When I first caught a glimpse of the tiny clutch of delicate blue eggs, my heart skipped a beat and a smile spread across my face. They were so fragile and beautiful with their little brown speckles, nestled with such care in the grass and fluff that was so lovingly crafted into a nest.  What a perfect picture of true dependence, of the need to trust in someone else for one's care.  The growing chicks inside these eggs are utterly helpless, and even after hatching, they will still need constant care and attention for weeks to come.  The parents attend to them ceaselessly - never complaining or begrudging this exhausting annual process.  The success of the nestlings and their ability to reach the fledgling stage and leave their first "home"is completely dependent on the parents' ability and total dedication care for them.

Some days with my children go more smoothly than others.  I must admit that the weather this spring has not made things easy, with so many days spent indoors, cooped up together.  Do I begrudge these years that they are so difficult to handle at times, that they are so needy and demanding and dependent upon me for their care?  Do I cherish the sacred vocation of parenting and see these challenging times as a gift and a calling, or do I complain and get frustrated and wish it all away?  I'm ashamed to admit there are far too many days I lean more toward the latter than the former. 

God has given me this amazing opportunity to care for the needs of others.  May He help me to see it as that, to see how fleeting this time I have with my children truly is.  May He help me to trust Him int he very difficult times and to remember the way He parents me.  He never leaves me, never forsakes me, always forgives a repentant heart.  He covers me with His wings, He shields me from harm, He shows me the path I should take. 

Lord, let me see and appreciate daily the beautiful dependency that is parenting, and remember all the ways you parent me.  Give me grace and strength to be the kind of parent you want me to be and to be ever thankful for the way you have watchfully cared for me all of my life...

Standing at the Edge of Greatness

After months...years... of writing and working on my book...it is finally finished.  Standing at the Edge of Greatness is available for purchase directly from me.  Please send me a message at beradsj@gmail.com if you would like to purchase the book. 

Done in love...

I love to watch three-year-old Lawson and the way he is so thrilled with big machines.   I know, all too well, that this is a phase he will soon outgrow, so I stop whatever I am doing whenever he excitedly runs to the window to see the garbage truck or a lawnmower in action, soaking in some of his excitement.  He grabbed a snack and pulled up a chair by the window last Friday to watch a landscaping crew mowing our neighbor's lawn.  He LOVES machines...loves to see them at work.  I will be sad on the day he no longer takes notice of these little things anymore.

Driving to my dentist appointment on Friday, I found myself sitting at a red light in front of a marquee...the same one I had noticed last Fall.  I haven't seen another verse appear on that sign in months but on this day, very late for my appointment, I had to smile when 1 Corinthians 16:4 popped onto the screen.

"Let all that you do be done in love."

Hmmm...those are some words to ponder.  That is a command not to be taken lightly.

As we grow older, we so easily become jaded to the things we once loved.  We may feel that the faith of our childhood years was just a phase...something to embrace as a child but not relevant to our lives any longer. 

I don't know about you, but I need some heavenly intervention in my life if I'm going to successfully live out this command.  Without a daily infusion of His strength, I quickly turn from having a loving attitude to one of selfishness and impatience. 

Please God, don't allow me to become jaded to the kind of thrilled anticipation I should always have towards You, Your Creation, Your Word.  Give me an overflowing love for others.  Let me act in a way that is pleasing to you...out of love...remembering that You are Love.

Fullness of Joy...

There are some days I feel like all I do is wipe away the tears of others...my children's tears and now my Mom's tears also.  These days are long...exhausting...deeply painful.  When times were good, I never would have imagined myself in such a place that daily I would say, "God, I can't, but You can!"  I never knew what true surrender looked like until all my strength, my security, my confidence was stripped away.  Here, now, I see the road ahead.  I know it leads to Life, but it seems so daunting in this present moment.

Psalm 16:11 reminds me of a Joy that is overflowing.  Joy?!  How can there be joy at a time like this?  Is this some cruel joke, God?  I never expected so much difficulty or sorry to strike so early on in my life.  Show me what it means to have fullness of joy - a kind of joy that is clearly NOT dependent on my circumstance or feelings.  Remind me that it isn't necessarily the journey I'm to focus on, but the destination.

Mindful of His Presence

Focus, focus...just stay focused!  I will myself to keep a cool head, to stay in control of my emotions, my frustration, my fears...but at some point every day they seem to get the better of me.  I start off so strong... Wait on God, I remind myself.  He's in control of all this.  He's got a plan, even in the seemingly mundane and insignificant occurrences of every day.

Wait...and watch...and trust.  He'll take care of the rest.  Oh, but waiting is just too hard sometimes.

Lord, keep me mindful of Your presence. 

Even in the most difficult moments of my day, remind me that You are still there.  I was reshelving books on the bookshelf and Eva came over to rip them off as fast as I could work.  She next colored the floor with markers, and I was frustrated.  I saw she had also colored her pants...OK, I can handle this.  While I was focusing on that mess, she ran to the bathroom and grabbed the toilet brush, flinging water out of the toilet all over the rug and hallway.  Lord, keep me mindful of Your presence. 

The phone rang right at that moment...a dear friend offered to come over and help me with the kids.  God...I need to trust in You more...You provided in my moment of desperation...You have so many times before.  Lord, keep me mindful of Your presence. 

I try to call my Mom on the phone...just to hear her voice as it once was is always my deepest wish.  The first sentence seems normal but the rest of the conversation is a string of confusing thoughts that I can't make much sense of.  I am so very sad.  I miss her so much.  I hate the suffering she endures daily now.  Lord, keep me mindful of Your presence.  You are here with me, even in this...even when it seems so hopeless...


Working through school with the kids today was like pulling teeth.  There was so much griping and dragging of feet.  Can't they understand how much of a sacrifice it is for me to teach them at home right now?  Lord, keep me mindful of Your presence. 

Realizing we are almost out of food in our fridge, we took the kids out tonight for groceries.  It had already been an extremely trying day of many fights and fits and monumental messes and arguments...maybe a change of scenery would help.  As we were leaving one store, Lawson took off for the back of the store, out of sight...Carter had to go grab him and drag him up to the front.  As we drove home, I was feeling so exhausted and weary...that was when Sienna started to snicker.  "My lollipop is gone!"  "Oh, where is it?"  Derrick asked her.  "In the vent!"  She had jammed it up into the heater vent in the ceiling above her head.

I'm waiting God...waiting for things to get easier...waiting for an answer to come as to why things have to be this way right now.  Then a verse touches my heart...

When I wait, You strengthen my heart...Ps. 27:14

How can this be, God?   Lord, keep me mindful of Your presence.  Remind me that when I am weak, then I am strong.  Teach me to trust in the most difficult situations and at the times when I just don't have it in me to keep going.

I am Watching over my Word to Perform it...

God's promises...do I know them, fully understand them, embrace them as truth?

God, You have told me You won't give me anything more than I can handle. You have said You will never leave nor forsake me.  You say you care and love me...so why do I sometimes  feel so lost?

I heard a verse spoken yesterday that touched my heart...Jeremiah 1:12.  God is watching over His word to perform it.  He is looking actively for opportunities to demonstrate His love for me.  Do I truly believe this?

When I find myself in the thick of suffering, my doubts cloud my vision of the Truth.  I wish more than anything for the opportunity to help my Mom, to ask for healing and see an answer to that prayer.  I wish she didn't have to suffer like this.  It is not fair, God.  How can this be?

God reminded me today, as I spoke with another woman at church who lost a brother and is losing a sister, that God works in and through our sufferings.  He gives us a story to tell, a word of comfort, strength, the courage to endure. 

Help me to trust in You, God.  Help me to see that you are on my side, watching and waiting to perform Your word in my life.  Help me to see as this story unfolds that there is still much good in the world, still many reasons to be thankful, and still...always...hope.

 

Defeated...

My son Lawson loves his bedtime Bible Story.  The funny thing is, he wants to hear the same story over and over again, sometimes for months at a time.  First it was Noah's Ark, then Daniel and the Lions.  Next we spent a good many months on Jonah, and now we've been reading the story of David and Goliath for the past two weeks.  Strangely enough, as I read these stories, night after night, they speak to me.  My heart is touched by the message again and again.  They address a need in me, a lesson I need to learn.

Have you ever felt defeated?  I certainly have!  I gain a sense of this immediately when I read the story of David and Goliath.  The Israelites felt defeated, and there hadn't even been a battle yet.  The enemy was taunting them, day after day, and in addition to a fearsome army, their secret weapon was a giant named Goliath.  To them, he seemed an unconquerable enemy.  It took an act of complete and total faith from a young shepherd boy to show that God is powerful enough to defeat any foe. 

Matthew 28:20 AMPC
...behold, I am with you all the days (perpetually, uniformly, and on every occasion), to the [very] close and consummation of the age. Amen (so let it be).

Do I carry this confidence of God being with me all day every day in all circumstances, and at all times?  Do I really believe that the king of ALL is near guiding me, comforting me, loving me with an unimaginable love?

Philippians 4:7 AMPC
And God’s peace [shall be yours, that tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and being content with its earthly lot of whatever sort that is, that peace] which transcends all understanding shall garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Doe His peace garrison my heart or do I dwell on my feeling of defeat?  Do I look at my problems, my pain. my adversaries and see no way out?  It is tempting to allow that defeated attitude to dominate my thoughts.  It conquers me if I allow it to, just as Goliath was paralyzing the whole Israeli army without even lifting a finger.

Lord, don't let me live in defeat any longer.  Conquer my enemies one by one.  Banish my fears, comfort my sorrows, bring answers to my doubts and questions, supply strength in my places of weakness.  I trust in You God to bring me victory in the areas where I have felt most defeated!