Wishing the Winter Away...

I was in Target with Reese today picking up a birthday gift for her friend.  It was startling to walk into the store just four days after Christmas and already see a display of Valentine's Day items at the very front of the store.  I haven't even got my house put back together after celebrating one holiday and the stores are already moving right along to the next.  Don't get me wrong, I love holidays.  I especially love holidays during these long winter months.  They bring cheer and excitement to some otherwise very dreary days.  But have we lost our ability to savor....to really enjoy and appreciate and soak in the meaning and the memories; always looking ahead and wishing for the next thing...

I was walking around the neighborhood with my mom this week, searching for things to talk about with her.  Our walks have changed so much in the past year...the conversation is very limited now.  We were both enjoying the sunshine that day and the warmth it brought to our faces.  As we walked, I shared with her, "I always appreciate the nice days more after we have had such a long stretch of bad weather." 

Indeed...Pittsburgh winters can be brutal with day after day of dreary skies, and in the case of this winter, many rainy days.  After not seeing the sun for a week or more, even just an hour of sunshine is like a welcome oasis.  In the summer months, we sometimes had stretches of a week or more of sun, and during those weeks, I barely noticed or appreciated it the way I do now.  Is this perhaps a lesson that has an application beyond just the weather? 

Don't wish the winter away...  I seem to hear God whispering to me.  Don't spend so much time wishing for things to be different that you miss the lessons I'm trying to teach you in this season.  Just stay here for a while...be still...listen...and wait...

There is much to be learned, even appreciated in this Winter season.  It brings a new depth to my perspective on the things around me, things I often take for granted.  It teaches me to rely less on my own strength and more on God.  Though I'm often already counting down the days till Spring as soon as winter begins, I'm trying not to do that as much this year.  I'm trying to look for the brief moments of sunshine on otherwise cloudy days.  I'm surrendering up my constant desire for change, and accepting that this season, however long it may last, is where I am supposed to be right now.

Teach me, God.  I'm listening....though some days I do a better job than others.  Perhaps, in these winter months, my eyes are being opened to see You more clearly than ever before...

The Tools for the Job...

 Derrick....I mean "SANTA"...got a good Black Friday deal on tools this year...  He decided to purchase each of the kids their own toolbox and lots of different tools to fill them.  We had resolved to buy our kids more practical and useful gifts this year, but initially I wasn't sure about the tools.  "Are you sure?  How will they feel about opening hammers and Alan wrenches, and pliers and drill bits on Christmas morning???"  Nevertheless, he bought the tools and dutifully wrapped them all individually and placed them under the tree.

Christmas morning dawned and the kids couldn't contain their excitement.  As they opened their gifts, I wondered how many they would remember in the years to come...except for those tools.  I knew they would be different.  Those tools will hopefully see them through many seasons and stages of life...hopefully help them with various repairs and projects.  The tools will last...

As I watched my Mom this Christmas, a single thought reverberated through my mind again and again. I saw her struggle to understand Christmas, why we were gathered, what a Christmas tree was, what a gift was and how to even open it.  The very preciousness of her being with us hit me harder than ever.  Will I remember anything I received for Christmas 2018, twenty years from now, or will I remember that I spent it with my Mom?  How will I continue to bear up under the pain of seeing her suffer like this?

Do you have the tools to get through life or is your focus on the fluff and glitter that quickly fades away?  As this year draws to a close, I reflect back on the many difficulties I have experienced, and I know...I KNOW...I never would have made it through without the right "tools."  The power of prayer, the promises of Scripture and the ever comforting presence of my God have sustained me...indeed have been the tools that enabled me to scratch, claw and struggle my way through.  The battle is hard-fought but I am not defeated...the struggle is real, but it has not consumed me.  I have the tools to make it to the finish line and that is my hope...that is what brings me peace and comfort during this storm.

Do you have the right tools? 

An Unexpected Ingredient...

 After the long days are through, I enjoy sitting down some evenings and watching a good baking competition show with my oldest daughter Reese.  It is amazing what some of the contestants are able to create with ingredients I often have in my own kitchen.  On one show we were recently watching, the contestants were about 3/4 of the way through a timed bake when the host came in with a tray in hand.  There was a twist...  Now they all were required to add lime to their already-in-progress creations.  This posed a challenge...the results could even be devastating. 

As the contestants presented their final dishes to the three judges, one of the criteria for successful completion of the challenge was that they could actually taste the lime which had to be incorporated at the last minute.  If they could not detect it, the contestant would lose points in their total score.

I can relate to those bakers, but on a different level, for in my life I've been presented with many "unexpected ingredients," if you will.  I've been moving along quite nicely, feeling satisfied with my progress, when suddenly I am faced with an unexpected trial that could threaten to derail me. 

This season of deepest pain I am currently walking through has, every day, the potential to ruin everything...if I let it. I must continue to keep my eyes heavenward, keep pressing onward, and  not let myself be discouraged by the detours and setbacks. 

I envision myself, someday, standing before the perfect Judge, Who will look back over my life.  He will be looking for those unexpected ingredients and specifically examine the way I handled them...He'll want them to be present, identifiable in my life story.  That will be a significant part of my testimony after all...how I dealt with the unexpected...

I love it when the contestants in the show are judged, and the judges specifically compliment them on the addition of that unexpected ingredient...claiming that it took their dish from ordinary to extraordinary. 

Lawson's combination of sour gummies, red hots, and M&M's on gingerbread cookies
may not have earned him a perfect score!

God, I continue to trust in Your perfect plan for me.  I accept both the good and the bad and will strive to do my best to take it all in stride.  I know that even the most difficult circumstances can lead to much beauty and good in the end...and so I press on. I long to hear those words someday, "Well done, good and faithful servant..." 



May you also have the courage to accept the "unexpected ingredients" of life...knowing that they do not have to define you, but can actually improve and refine you.

Wonders of His Love...

 I was at the Pediatrician's office for an early morning checkup yesterday.  Eva was the patient and she was none too happy about being there.  My first line of business was to fill out a form for the M CHAT test, a simple questionnaire that I had to check off yes or no answers.  It was slightly less simple because of the squirming and unhappy child on my lap, but I had no intention of letting her down...we are not picking up any MORE germs right before Christmas. 

About 3/4 of the way through the questionnaire, I came to a question that always makes me chuckle. It reads something like this:

"Do you sometimes wonder if your child is deaf?"

Surely, whoever wrote the questions for this test must have a sense of humor.  I always want to circle the "Yes" answer to this question.  I often wonder this...every day I wonder this...and not only in regards to my youngest child.  I wonder if all of my children suffer from selective deafness!!

"Did you do your Math yet???"   silence

"Did you clean your room?"   silence

"Did you put your laundry away yet?"   crickets chirping

"Would you like a cookie?"  "YES!!!!"

Driving around this time of year, I can't help but be filled with holiday spirit.  Everywhere I look there are signs of Christmas.  I pass by many nativity scenes placed in yards every single day.  And I start to wonder...does God sometimes feel like I did filling out that form yesterday?  Does He look at the world and say to Himself, "I sometimes wonder if my children are deaf."  He's practically shouting His love to us from the minute we wake in the morning to the minute we drift off to sleep at night.  The Heavens PROCLAIM the glory of God!  Every time I see the baby Jesus in someone's front yard this month, do I pass by without a second thought of the implications...the true meaning...the depth and intensity of this kind of love?

How much more could He do to show me that He loves me...and yet I so very often turn deaf ears on Him.  How could I not SEE...through the wonders of Creation?  How could I not hear...more in this season of Christmas than any other time?   How can I be silent, turn a deaf ear, when the angels are singing "wonders of His love"?  My eyes turn heavenward.  My ears tune out the sounds around me, clamoring for my attention, instead listening for His still, small voice.  "I love you....I love you....I love you." 

"I hear you, Lord...."  My voice trails off in wonder, in awe.  Let me not forget what He has done for me...

Fully Satisfied...

 Lawson and Derrick were engaged in an all-out pillow fight battle a few days ago.  Lawson had initiated the "battle"and Derrick, who was kneeling on the floor, deflected blow after blow from the laughing child.  "Hit harder, Dada!"  Derrick chuckled and continued to mostly deflect Lawson's swings, barely swinging back at him.  It struck me as I watched their exchange...the love of the father, looking after his son, not wishing to do him any harm.  Had he fought him at his full capacity, Lawson would not have stood a chance.  But a father would never do that to his child.


How often to I overestimate my capabilities?  How often do I try to take on God, laying out my expectations before Him as if we were on an even playing field?  How often do I forge ahead, even subconsciously, not allowing God to be a part of my interactions, my decision making, my day?  Life takes one big swing in my direction with no mercy, and I fall.

"This is more than you can handle..."  His voice echoes in my mind.  "Trust Me, and let Me help you.  Find your satisfaction in Me..."  

I've got this.  God and I make a great team...I'm strong...I can manage....but...no!

I've overestimated my abilities and vastly underestimated His.  I find no satisfaction in a life lived on my own and for myself.  It's when I stop and truly see my deficiencies, my weaknesses, my vulnerabilities and ask Him to enter in that I am content.  My act of surrender must occur each day. 

I know I will encounter things, perhaps even on a daily basis, that are more than I can handle.  But I can continue to have joy because I am in the presence of a MIGHTY God Who will walk alongside me.  When I behold Him, I am fully satisfied.

Psalm 17:15(AMPC)As for me, I will continue beholding Your face in righteousness (rightness, justice, and right standing with You); I shall be fully satisfied, when I awake [to find myself] beholding Your form [and having sweet communion with You].

The One Who Has Gone Before...

She must have been in a helping mood the other day...my sweet and oh-so-helpful Evangeline who turns 2 next week.  (Be still my heart!!!)  Her first attempt at helping involved swirling a toilet brush around in the toilet and then walking across the entire room with it, leaving a drippy trail behind her.  But her next offer of help really made me laugh.  I had left the cupboard ajar which holds our colanders.  She saw them and for whatever reason, it struck her fancy to grab them and go outside to pick in the garden.  Now of course, it's almost December and the garden is no more.  This week we have had snow several days in a row and it is bitterly cold.  Her sweet request to "Pick 'matoes" was ironic and ill-timed.  "No Eva, we can't pick tomatoes today.  They are all gone." 

She looked at me for a moment...I thought I detected a slight quiver of disappointment in her lip.  "Pick 'matoes?" she asked again, questioningly.  "No, we can't, Eva.  They are all gone." 

She looks to me for guidance...for help.  When the path is unclear, she asks me for help, even though she thinks she knows the way.  It is a humbling thing to see a reflection of myself in my youngest child.  I wishfully desire my life to go a certain way, but often find my plans are thwarted by the realities of life.  I'm so convinced about the way I think I should go...the way I want to go... Disappointment...confusion...discouragement threaten to cloud my vision.   But I have a gracious and loving Father Who has made a way for me...He has gone before me and given me a path to follow.

The beautiful words of Psalm 17:5 touched my heart this morning... 

My steps have held closely to Your paths [to the tracks of the One Who has gone on before]; my feet have not slipped.

I fell twice on the icy driveway and sidewalk today, just taking some letters out to the mail.  Reality hit me...cold and hard! 

Without Him...I'm lost...just waiting for a fall.  On the days I forge ahead on my own, I struggle and often falter.  "Follow Me," He urges.  The love in His words soothes over my travel-weary heart...my feet grip firmly to the path...and I know I am safe with the One Who has gone on before me...

How to be Thankful...

A fat newspaper sat in our driveway this morning as I pulled open the shade in our bedroom and glanced down.  My son Lawson, always eager to grab mail or packages, saw it and ran out into the bitter cold to grab it.  As I suspected, it was almost entirely comprised of Black Friday ads from many different stores.

I sat down at the kitchen table next to Lawson with my breakfast a little while later.  The ads were scattered over the table and I grabbed a couple to look through while I ate.



After flipping through two or three ads, the thought struck me...this is a day I am supposed to be focusing on all the things I'm thankful for...and what am I spending my time doing...thinking about buying more things!

Lawson could barely eat, he was so excited about his older cousins coming over later in the afternoon.  He kept asking me over and over again, "When will they be here?"

 My four year old son reminded me this morning that it's the people we cherish, look forward to spending time with, remember, and appreciate.

I went upstairs to get ready for the long day.  While I was filing a few papers away in a drawer, I happened upon a letter Ed had written to Derrick and I on our wedding day.  (back in 2004)  He shared some of his favorite memories of things he did with us.  For Derrick, he wrote that he enjoyed playing football together as a family on Thanksgiving.  Ironic I was reading the letter today...

The table today for Thanksgiving dinner seemed very different...many of my dearest family members were not here with us.  My Mom struggled through the meal, unsure of many things going on around her.  It's been months now since I've heard her say my name...




So what am I thankful for today?

I'm thankful for the opportunity to get up and live another full day...to love my family and to serve them a delicious meal...to spend time with family, share laughs, and make new memories.

I'm thankful for reminders throughout the day, to NEVER take our blessings for granted, to appreciate the people in our lives for as long as we have them with us, and to focus not on what we can get, but what we can give.

I Give Thanks today, to God Who has blessed me immensely.

He'll Set Things Right...

I read a verse today that resonated with me.  It gave me hope.

It was Isaiah 42:3
A bruised reed He will not break, 
and a dimly burning wick He will not quench; He will bring forth justice in truth.

in the Message version it reads...

He won’t brush aside the bruised and the hurt
and he won’t disregard the small and insignificant,
but he’ll steadily and firmly set things right.


It is Fall...the leaves are steadily dropping to the ground.  The days are shorter...colder...  Life, as it existed all summer long, is fading.

Isn't my life just like this...a series of seasons if you will...  But no matter how difficult things appear I always maintain hope.

You see, my hope isn't in things that are seen, but in the unseen.  My hope isn't in the ever-fluctuating things of this world.  My hope rests on the unchangeable, unfading, constant character of God.  And I know, in spite of the difficulties I experience now, that He loves me...that He hasn't brushed me aside, hasn't forgotten about me.




Isn't that the truest test of faith?  Isn't that where the rubber meets the road and I'm called on to really trust Him...when everything seems to be going wrong?

He'll set things right.

What more do I need to get me through the day?  I have God and I know in the end He will make all these wrongs right again.  What more do I need to give me meaning and purpose, even on the most difficult days, but to know that the Creator of the Universe intimately knows and cares about me?

I can dwell on my brokenness...that gets me nowhere fast.  Or I can choose to trust that in every season there is a purpose, a plan, a lesson for me to learn and an opportunity to draw nearer to God.  In my trials, my faith is certainly tested...and when He has tested me , I hope that I might  come forth as gold.  (Job 23:10)

Blessed Quiet...

 "Why is it that the kids' only volume seems to be screaming lately?"  I asked this question of my husband the other day.  Frustrated to say the least, I urged them for only the fortieth time that day to lower their voices when we are inside and all in the same room together.  After many months of spending much of our recreational time outdoors, the beginning of the colder months is a difficult transition.  I'm tired...run down by life...struggling with my painful losses.  I long for space...for open-air and the warm sunlight shining down on me....I long for the quiet of the outdoors...for peace.


Yesterday we had a welcome resurgence of the warmer temperatures, but with it came  strong gusty winds.  As all the Fall leaves were nearing their peak of color, the winds ripped them easily from the trees and sent them swirling and spiraling through the skies in mini tornadoes of color. 

Is this where you find yourself today?  Caught up in a chaotic whirlwind of activity - covering your ears to drown out some of the distracting "noise", overwhelmed by the pressures and trials of life, longing for rest...longing for blessed quiet...

Matthew 11:28-29 (AMPC)Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy-laden and overburdened, and I will cause you to rest. [I will ease and relieve and refresh your souls.]

29 Take My yoke upon you and learn of Me, for I am gentle (meek) and humble (lowly) in heart, and you will find rest (relief and ease and refreshment and recreation and blessed quiet) for your souls.

Maybe I wasn't able to lie down and physically "rest" today.  Maybe this verse is more about being present in His Presence.  Maybe my attitudes, my focus, my hope and trust in His plan are what bring me rest, a sense of true calm in the otherwise tumultuous whirlwind of life. 


I seek out moments of quiet in my not-so-quiet world. And in Him I find that quiet and that rest...

True Colors...

 "Did you see the leaves today?  They are just beautiful.  So many lovely colors...."

I was on the phone with my Mom early this morning, trying to encourage her to look out her bedroom window at the gorgeous Fall leaves.  She was having a tough day and I was desperately looking for a way to cheer her up.  I tried several times to explain it to her in a way she could grasp but she just couldn't understand what I was saying.  Discouragement crept in quickly for me...something so simple...so beautiful...something she used to love so much, was now a completely foreign concept to her.

I was reading a book to the kids today and it explained why Fall leaves change color.  The thing I found most interesting was that leaves always have their "colors"...they are just hidden underneath the chlorophyll throughout the warm months.  As the light begins to decrease and temperatures drop, the chlorophyll disappears and the true colors of the leaves can then be seen at last.

This past week I read the verse,

1 Timothy 1:17  Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, 

be honor and glory 

for ever and ever. Amen.

I was thinking over this list of of God's attributes and wondering why "invisible" is included in it.  Perhaps, it is there as a reminder...a reminder that God's power is not diminished in any way, despite the fact that He often chooses to go unseen.  Leaves are always colorful, you just don't see their true colors until the Fall...in the same way our Great God wants us to have the kind of faith that can "see" Him in the everyday, to have certainty in His presence, even when He is behind the scenes...invisible to our eyes.

 Two verses later, in verse 19, Paul went on to write this...




All those prayers are coming together now so you will do this well, fearless in your struggle, keeping a firm grip on your faith and on yourself. After all, this is a fight we’re in. (The Message)

It is not easy to keep sight of my hope, my strength, my immortal and unchangeable God in the everyday struggles I go through.  The reality is, it is hard work...it's a fight as we read in this verse.

God, give me the strength to keep fighting, even when I am ready to give up all hope.  Help me to see beyond what is seen.  Help me to remember where my hope comes from.  Give me breathtaking glimpses of Your glory, just as I am awed by the beauty of the Fall leaves right now.  Help me to see You in the everyday miracles that surround me that I so often take for granted.  Help me to remember that thought You might be "invisible", You are truly far from invisible to me...

A "Good" Meal

The other morning after I saw there had been a heavy frost, I took the kids out to the garden to pick what remained of our produce.  Chilly little fingers grabbed up the last of the tomatoes, peppers and green beans.  I set to work on the lima beans, that were trellised and too high for anyone else to reach.  After we came back inside to warm up, I asked the kids to peel the lima beans for me.  The shells of the beans were thick and hard to break open.  After working through a huge pile of tough shells, only a small pot of beans was left for us to eat. 

 Last night as we were sitting down to eat dinner, Eva scooted out of her high chair and ran out to the other room.  We prayed and began serving out the food, forgetting about her for a minute (she rarely eats dinner for some reason I have yet to understand).  Derrick commented after just a few minutes that she was very quiet and got up to find her.  She was hiding in the other room, under the table, eating fudge with a spoon out of a little container we had just bought that afternoon.  Fudge...for dinner!  She had made quick work of it too, knowing she'd be found out at some point!

As I thought, with a little smirk, about these two "meals" I realized what a contrast there was to the fudge that was rich and delicious and easy to consume and the lima beans that required so much work and seemed so much less fulfilling.  If you've ever tasted a fresh picked lima bean however, you know that they are buttery and smooth and so very delicious...and ever so much more nutritious for the body than fudge.

What are you filled with?  Are you trying to sustain yourself with the empty things of this world.  Are you looking to other people, material possessions, your career, even your busy schedule, to give you satisfaction and fulfillment and joy?  Or are you looking to God...are you "eating" of His Word, devouring His promises, clinging fast to His steady and unwavering presence.  Are you filling yourself up with things that last or things that quickly fade away and leave you empty?

Help me today, Lord, to eat a Good Meal.  Help me to quickly identify the things that are truly meaningful and worthy of my time, my energy, and my attention, and distinguish those from the things that quickly fill up the hours and leave me empty.  Help me to not be deceived by sweetness, but to focus on what is lasting and true.

Supported

My kids were amazed this week to see the size of the dahlias that are still blooming in our yard.  One plant in particular has flowers that are so large, the plant cannot support them at all.  Carter went out to investigate the other morning after it had rained and the largest of the flowers was lying face down in the yard.  It was a shame to see such a gorgeous bloom, lying pitifully on the ground. 

I am often amazed by how quickly I can go from coasting along in confidence to finding myself face down on the ground.  All too quickly, I become distracted, prideful, focused on the wrong things, only to get myself into trouble.  One minute I am flourishing, puffed up in my estimations of my own capabilities, my selfish ambitions, my misplaced self-confidence...the next I am in a place of desperation...realizing for the umpteenth time that I don't have the strength to go on.  One quick downpour, one gust of wind, is all it takes to knock me down...to bring me to that place where I realize again the depth of my need for God.

When properly supported, the dahlia is an amazing, showy flower.  When left to grow on it's own, at least from my own experience, more often than not it can not support it's own weight.  God, help me to recognize each day my need for you, as my foundation, my lifeline, my supporter.  I place my trust, not in my own strength, but in You.

Ephesians 3:16-20

 I pray that he will use his glorious riches to make you strong. May his Holy Spirit give you his power deep down inside you. 17 Then Christ will live in your hearts because you believe in him. And I pray that your love will have deep roots. I pray that it will have a strong foundation. 18 May you have power together with all the Lord’s holy people to understand Christ’s love. May you know how wide and long and high and deep it is. 19 And may you know his love, even though it can’t be known completely. Then you will be filled with everything God has for you.

20 God is able to do far more than we could ever ask for or imagine. He does everything by his power that is working in us.

To Grieve and to Grow...

I never expected the places I loved most...places I have visited many times before, to evoke such powerful memories...








This weekend I had the opportunity to travel east for three amazing, heart-wrenching days...visiting many dear family and friends.  On the way to New Jersey, I allowed myself the "luxury" of spending three hours walking around one of my favorite places in the world, Longwood Gardens.  It was different, visiting alone this time, as every other time I've been there I've gone with family and friends...but somehow, it seemed appropriate.  As I walked down the flowered paths, passed by the gorgeous, peacefully flowing fountains, I allowed myself to remember....


Just the last time I was there, in 2013, my mom was well...smiling...conversant...she was still whole.  And my brother...he was still here...vibrant and alive... 

Perhaps in many ways, this weekend was the first time I have really allowed myself to grieve...and it was powerfully painful.  I could not hold back the tears as my visit at the gardens came to a close.  I breathed in the scent of the roses, gazed at the glorious fountains, read names of flowers I'd never seen or heard of before, and I crossed bridges from the past...into my present reality. 




Being back in New Jersey for a weekend, seeing the many places I grew up visiting, seeing old friends and beloved family, brought back so many wonderful memories.  Listening to friends and family recount stories about my mom brought a piece of her back to me, if only for a moment.  It felt as thought I was standing outside on a pitch black night and a brilliant shooting start shot across the sky right over my head.  There she was again, funny, energetic, intelligent, loving, kind...and then, just as quickly as it appeared, that star vanished out of sight.  There I was, sitting at a table set for lunch with two of my mom's dearest friends.  There were four seats at the table, but only three places were set.  Mom should have been there, but she wasn't...and will never be again.

Driving down the road past my childhood home, the tears flowed freely.  I drove into little Vincentown which was just a couple of miles past my house.  The main street looked much the way I remembered it.  I parked my car by a stream behind the town library and sat with my best friend beside me, on a bench overlooking the stream.  I cried as I remembered...passing by that stream many mornings on the way to school, releasing a pet frog there one summer.  I cried as I remembered the past and all that I have lost.  I told my friend how in 3rd grade I had stood on that bank with my whole class, dressed in colonial clothes, for a picture.  We had taken a tour of the historic buildings in town, the library and the little one-room school house.  The school house sat right beside us, and seeing an "Open" sign outside, we wandered inside just to peek for a minute.  There at a table, just inside the door, sat a woman that I instantly recognized....could it truly be?  Amazingly, just moments after I was talking about her, there sat my 3rd-grade teacher who I haven't seen in almost 30 years!  God is so good.  She even told me that this was the first time she had been to the schoolhouse all year...it truly was a miracle!


My visit went by in a blur.  As I was packing to leave yesterday, I read a verse in my morning devotions that hit me to the core.  It was Isaiah 41:13 and it says,

"For I am the Lord your God Who takes hold of your right hand and says to you.  Do not fear, I will help you."

Indeed, I know that He will...