Waiting...

Truly my soul waiteth upon God  ~ Psalm 62

The smell of baking cinnamon rolls wafted through the house this morning.  My dear husband must have been inspired while I watched the Great British Baking Show with my oldest daughter last night because he spent that hour, in the kitchen, whipping up this delicious treat for us.  The smell was intoxicating and my sweet son Lawson could not bear the wait.  "Are they ready yet?"  "How many minutes until they're ready?"  "How many minutes now?"

Finally I pulled the cinnamon rolls out of the oven.  "Can I have one now?"  He looked up at me with great longing in his eyes, but once more I told him he had to wait.  "You can't have one yet, Lawson, they're too hot.  You would burn your mouth."  I almost caved in seeing the look on his face.  He stood there...watching...waiting.  And then, finally, I cut a cinnamon roll out of the dish for him and he took it back to the table to devour.

As a loving parent, though I wanted to make my son happy, to fill his rumbling tummy, I couldn't give him the cinnamon roll too soon.  If I had taken them out of the oven early, the dough wouldn't have been cooked.  If I had given him one hot out of the dish, he would have been burned.  In love for my son, I had to make him wait.  And it was very hard for him, but it was for the best.

Again and again this week, I have sensed the Lord giving me reminders of the importance of waiting.  "Oh, but God, why can't I have an answer right now?"  "Why can't You fix this problem, heal this person, resolve this situation, now???"

And sadly, I'm often too wrapped up in my complaining, my longing, my self-centered desires for what I think is best, that I don't even wait to listen for His answer.  Ever so softly though, in His perfect timing, He shows me a better way...His way.

I am so humbled when I see how very similar I am to a five-year-old, panting over too-hot cinnamon rolls.  I see what I want and I want it right away.  But God says, "Wait!"

Lawson could have reached out to grab a cinnamon roll all by himself this morning, but he listened, and he waited.  Will I do the same?  Perhaps the hardest part of having faith in God isn't some action I must take, but is instead having the patience, having the discipline to obey and merely wait...and listen.  Further instructions will surely come. 

God, please help me to focus not on what I think I need, but first and foremost on YOU.  Help me to trust you, even when I don't understand the things that are happening in my life.  Help me to be patient in the waiting and to be still so that I might hear Your voice.  I have faith that You love me, that You have a plan for me, and that You know what is best for me.

Badminton in the Morning and Board Games at Night...

My days are not my own!

Before it was even 9 AM, the kids were begging me to help them set up the badminton net and play badminton with them.  So a rousing game of badminton it was! My breakfast was not yet digested, but there I was diving for hit after hit.  Five of us played and Eva wandered on the outskirts, serving as our cheering brigade and birdie grabber.

Lawson in particular was very intense about playing.  He struggled, as most 4-year-olds would...but he was able to hit a surprising number of shots and never got discouraged or gave up.


After lunch, it was back outside for another round of badminton.  This time even 2-year-old Eva joined in!  After school and dinner the kids went out for one last game, but a short downpour left the yard so muddy they were slipping and sliding all over the place and came in cold and covered in mud.

When Derrick offered to play a board game with Lawson as an alternative to badminton, he enthusiastically ran down and grabbed "No Stress Chess."  Totally age appropriate, right!? But Derrick patiently sat down with him and played the game he chose.

I was laughing to myself as I thought back over the events of the day...over the way I thought it would go and the things we would do together versus what really transpired.  And I began to think about how this is so very like my life on a broader scale.  I think about what I want to do...plan for it...but often what really happens is far from the path I planned to take.  But God uses those diversions...those detours, to teach me something new, something valuable...a lesson, a skill, another building block in my character.

My days are truly not my own...in any sense.  But isn't that they way I should always view them?  Each day is a gift from God and it is crucial for me to recognize this and seek that His will be done, not my own.  Hearkening to the beck and call of 5 children is a constant and prudent reminder...my life is not my own, nor will it ever be even after they are gone.  May we start each day with the words, "Thy will be done..." on our lips, and truly mean it...














James 4:14-16 (NLT)

14 How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog—it’s here a little while, then it’s gone. 15 What you ought to say is, “If the Lord wants us to, we will live and do this or that.”16 Otherwise you are boasting about your own pretentious plans, and all such boasting is evil.

The Goal...

 Every weekend now for the next 7 weeks, the kids have soccer games.  They were so excited for the start of soccer season!  Of course every week, they have lofty aspirations about the number of goals they will shoot and score.  "I'm going to get three goals today!"  four year old Lawson told me at breakfast this morning. 

I don't ever want them to feel badly if they don't score a goal.  Soccer is, after all, much more than just scoring goals...it's working together as a team, and defending your own goal from the opponent.  It's encouraging your teammates to work hard, together, and not give up, even when failure seems imminent.

Being a very short and not the most highly skilled athlete all of my life, I always knew what it was to be the underdog, and to come from behind to achieve victory.  My best offense was always a strong defense and a determination not to give up until the bitter end.  And at the end of the game, though I may not have won, I could look back and say that I gave it my all.  I want this same attitude for my kids now, as they begin to learn a new sport and must learn both how to win and how to lose.

When I take these same principles, of winning and losing, and apply them to my life, I can see that they are equally beneficial.  There are many days I feel defeated, exhausted, beat down, frustrated...but I can't give up or give in.  What is the goal, after all?  Was I ever told this life would be easy?  Not by a long shot!  Was I ever told it would be an easy win?  By no means!

I wake up each morning and must ask myself, what is the Goal today?  What am I working toward, striving for, putting my primary focus on, allowing my thoughts to ponder and meditate on?  So what is the Goal? 

Hebrews 12:1-4 (NLT)  Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. 2 We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne.3 Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people; then you won’t become weary and give up. 4 After all, you have not yet given your lives in your struggle against sin.


 I have a goal, worth living for, worth fighting for every day, and worthy of my full attention and focus.  I have a goal that requires much of me, but one that will bless me beyond anything else I could apply myself towards in this life. 

I run in a God-appointed race, and serve Jesus, the champion and perfector of my faith

...a most worthy goal indeed...

Growing?

"Did my plant grow, Mama?  Did it grow last night?"

"Oh Lawson, no it won't grow in one night.  I'm not sure if that type of plant will even grow at all."

I smiled down at his sweet little inquiring face...so excited about his new succulent plant we purchased at the grocery store the day before.  He was so eager to see change in it the very next day. 

He had held the miniature plant on his lap the whole drive home that day, talking about how he would water it every day.  He was excited to place it on his school desk as soon as he ran in the door and even more excited to show it to his daddy when he was finished with work. 

"Look at my new plant!!!"

For the first few days, he ran down the steps in the morning and straight over to the plant to see if it had grown or changed at all overnight.  Don't we all wish, at times, for change to happen sooner rather than later?  For progress?  My kids love to check their growth on the growth chart we have hanging in the laundry room, or to weigh themselves on the bathroom scale.  There is always great excitement to see that change has occurred!

As the days of spring pass by, I'm noticing much growth outside my windows (THANK GOODNESS)!  The spring bulbs are now in bloom in the front yard and those colors are so very welcome after the long, dreary winter.

As much as I wish for things to happen right away, sometimes growth can be extremely slow...even painful.  It requires great patience and perseverance and days, sometimes even years of waiting...

But there is something else I've discovered...as I grow older and learn more each year...sometimes growth happens in the waiting... sometimes we have to wait, to be tested and challenged and stay in a long period of dormancy to truly become who we were meant to be....to truly grow.

Whether my growth is like the rapidly climbing sunflower or as imperceptible as a succulent plant, I know it is indeed happening.  I know that God is doing a work in me, and in my heart.  I know that I am growing because of His presence in my life

Yesterday I pulled all of my dahlia bulbs out of the garage and planted them into the cold, hard earth. It was hard work, and as I dug the holes and carefully covered them with dirt, I longed for the day they would have their huge, colorful flowers.  I know it will be months before this happens...but it will be well worth the wait.  For now, I look out at my empty beds, and must be patient, and content to know that growth will come...  I have faith that my flowers will spring up and bloom every year, just as I have faith in God, Who has richly blessed me, Who nurtures me, Who loves me more deeply than I will ever be able to fathom.  Whether I am in a period of dormancy or spiritual growth, I know that in Him, I will flourish...

Psalm 92:12-13 The [uncompromisingly] righteous shall flourish like the palm tree [be long-lived, stately, upright, useful, and fruitful]; they shall grow like a cedar in Lebanon [majestic, stable, durable, and incorruptible]. Planted in the house of the Lord, they shall flourish in the courts of our God.

Isaiah 61:11 The Sovereign LORD will show his justice to the nations of the world. Everyone will praise him! His righteousness will be like a garden in early spring, with plants springing up everywhere.

Ready?

 "Is this one ready?  Is this one ready, Mama?"  I look up from picking tomatoes in the garden to see Lawson holding up a half-ripe tomato 2 inches from my face.  "Well, it's close Lawson, but try to pick the red ones."

Ten seconds pass and then again, "Is this one ready?"  Another pale red tomato is held up in my direction.  "It's not quite ready, Lawson. It has to be dark red." 

This is the ongoing conversation as we walk through the garden for our daily vegetable harvest.  I have to chuckle to myself because it never occurs to Lawson to ask me if the tomatoes are ready before he picks them.  Day after day this scenario is repeated...will he never learn to be patient?  Will he never learn to wait...to ask before he picks?

The anticipating of picking those tomatoes is too much to bear for my sweet Lawson.  He and the other kids love to take the many tomatoes and puree them so we can make soup and sauce from them. 

Am I patient, in waiting for God's timing?  Do I wait for His plans to come to full fruition or am I always trying to rush things, to push my own agenda?  Am I spending my days preparing my heart for what He has in store for me?  Or am I constantly rushing ahead, operating on my own timeline...asking God if He's "ready?" after I've already acted. 

Once again, through the comical lesson of a three-year-old, I am humbled...I'm reminded that God works according to His schedule, not mine.  I'm reminded to patiently accept His timing, and wait.  There will be a harvest...

 James 5:7  Be patient, therefore, brothers, until the coming of the Lord. See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, being patient about it, until it receives the early and the late rains. You also, be patient. Establish your hearts, for the coming of the Lord is at hand.

Help...

 The boys gave me a beautiful image yesterday of the strong helping the weak. I watched as Carter helped the ever-enthusiastic Lawson, strap on full-sized goalie pads so they could play hockey together in the backyard.  With the Penguins in the playoffs again, of course hockey is once again the sport of choice.  They even taught Eva to shout "GOAL" which she enthusiastically does quite frequently now. 

Lawson was clearly not a worthy opponent for Carter, nor was he even able to complete the task of putting on the gear on his own.  It reminded me that time spent helping others is never wasted. 
God helps me in this very same way.  I don't have much to offer Him...and yet...He helps me...all the time.  He's willing to use me, in all my weaknesses and incompleteness, to accomplish His plans.  The beauty of this is not lost on me.  The tasks before me are often far beyond my capabilities...yet He helps me.  My strength is lacking...resolve is faltering...yet there He is...stepping in to outfit me with all that I need to move forward. 

Done in love...

I love to watch three-year-old Lawson and the way he is so thrilled with big machines.   I know, all too well, that this is a phase he will soon outgrow, so I stop whatever I am doing whenever he excitedly runs to the window to see the garbage truck or a lawnmower in action, soaking in some of his excitement.  He grabbed a snack and pulled up a chair by the window last Friday to watch a landscaping crew mowing our neighbor's lawn.  He LOVES machines...loves to see them at work.  I will be sad on the day he no longer takes notice of these little things anymore.

Driving to my dentist appointment on Friday, I found myself sitting at a red light in front of a marquee...the same one I had noticed last Fall.  I haven't seen another verse appear on that sign in months but on this day, very late for my appointment, I had to smile when 1 Corinthians 16:4 popped onto the screen.

"Let all that you do be done in love."

Hmmm...those are some words to ponder.  That is a command not to be taken lightly.

As we grow older, we so easily become jaded to the things we once loved.  We may feel that the faith of our childhood years was just a phase...something to embrace as a child but not relevant to our lives any longer. 

I don't know about you, but I need some heavenly intervention in my life if I'm going to successfully live out this command.  Without a daily infusion of His strength, I quickly turn from having a loving attitude to one of selfishness and impatience. 

Please God, don't allow me to become jaded to the kind of thrilled anticipation I should always have towards You, Your Creation, Your Word.  Give me an overflowing love for others.  Let me act in a way that is pleasing to you...out of love...remembering that You are Love.

Cleaning in the dark...

 We were in the middle of a much-needed basement clean-up last night.  The final task that remained after all the toys were sorted and put away was to vacuum the rug.  Lawson ran to the storage room to grab our old spare vacuum and dragged it out.  He unwound the cord, plugged it in, and started to push it across the room.  All of a sudden, he screamed in excitement, "It has a light!"  And then, the vacuum thudded to the floor, still running, and he disappeared up the steps.

I wondered what he was up to, when suddenly all the lights went off.  Slowly, he made his way back down the dark staircase, peeking at the humming vacuum with light shining.  The light was barely enough to illuminate the large basement, so I turned one small light on.  He insisted on pushing the vacuum around without any other lights.  I tried to tell him he couldn't see the dirt, couldn't see well enough to clean it well.  But he refused to accept the help of any other light.

I thought back on this episode today with a smile on my face. Lawson was so eager to help me - he helps whenever he gets a chance.  Today he wanted to help with the rolling of pizza dough for pepperoni bread, which went about as well as vacuuming in the dark!  When he was finally done "cleaning" last night, I flipped all the lights back on to reveal the many spots on the rug that he had missed.

As I reflected still further on all of this, it struck me how I'm told in Proverbs not to lean on my own understanding.  My understanding, of life, of God's plan for me, of how I'm to live, is so limited.  It's not much better than a weak light on a vacuum cleaner - by no means capable of helping me successfully navigate through stormy waters.  God is right there - like flipping the light switch, He illuminates our world with His presence and His love.  He provides guidance and purpose.

The desire to go through life by means of our own weak understanding soon wanes.  We sense there is something more, much greater, something missing.  Might you and I not mistake what is seen by means of our own understanding as the whole picture.  Might we seek out a wisdom so much higher than our own.

Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
    don’t try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he’s the one who will keep you on track.  Proverbs 3:5 (MSG)





And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. (Ephesians 3:17-19 NIV)

Always in sight...

I have learned, too often the hard way, to always keep a visual on my youngest son.  He's now 3 years old and is completely fearless.  I mean, climbs up the cabinets to get himself a cup and fills it himself at the sink, fearless.  I mean, takes the car keys, goes out into the garage and starts the car, fearless.  When you ask him if he knows how to drive the car, he answers without hesitation, "Yes!"  This kid drives me completely crazy!

Today was just destined to be "one of those days".  The morning started off with my phone dying..as in RIP forever dying.  In the midst of getting the baby fed and put down for a nap I lost track of Lawson for a few minutes, only to find that he had gone into the garage to play with his Power Wheels Jeep.  When the Jeep wouldn't start (the battery was dead), he just assumed it needed some gas.  So he uncapped the gas can that was sitting there and tried to fill it with gasoline.  I walked out to the strong smell of spilled gas and let's just say there was a rather loud confrontation that followed...ahem!  The final drama for the day was when Carter came running outside to find me, blood dripping down the front of his face and his fist in a ball.  He only had to open his mouth for me to see the gaping hole where a tooth had once been....and his fist was holding that tooth.  A frantic call to the dentist to have them check his most recent x-rays confirmed that it (thankfully!) was a baby tooth.

My kids are at an age right now, at least the younger three, that I need to keep a close eye on them at all times.  When I fail to do so, things can get out of hand very quickly, and the day is far more stressful.  I feel like this is such a parallel for the way I include God in my day. On days I just breeze through without giving Him a second thought, I often find myself discouraged, frazzled, and at the end of my rope.  I should keep His words readily on my lips; I am urged to think about it day and night.  He promises to go with me, anywhere and everywhere.  Thank goodness, He is always in sight, always watching over me, always ready to carry me through my sticky spots, my toughest dilemmas. 

Joshua 1:7-9

“Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” 

Pockets...

Little feet pad to a stop in my open doorway, early morning light filters around the short silhouette.  I lift my head, bleary-eyed, to see what time it is and who is awake already.  There he stands there with both hands plunged deep into his pockets.  Oh how he loves those pockets!  Up until a few weeks ago, he barely knew pockets existed...but now, oh now he doesn't want to wear a pair of pants without them.

Pockets are where he stores his most prized possessions....a set of play keys, an acorn, a coin found on the sidewalk, a piece of candy, a few stickers.  Pockets have opened up a whole new world to him, given him a place to store things that are truly special to him, given him a sense of possession...of holding on to something that is valuable to him.  Tonight after his bath I dared to put some pajama pants on him.  This was met with screams and angry protests and he ran from the bathroom to ditch the pj's in favor of some shorts with pockets.

Into this world we come with not a single possession to our name.  We grow older and begin to learn so quickly the concept of "mine".  How similar I am, to my little son, cherishing the things of this world, digging deep into my pockets to hang onto the things I love.  How hard it is to give up my treasures, to open my fists and let go of the past, all the things I've been storing deep for so many years.  How hesitant I am to offer up my objects of comfort, the bits and pieces I've collected over the last few decades that mean so much to me.  Oh, the folly of investing so much of my time, my attention, in things so temporal, so meaningless in the grand scheme of life.

If only I could clearly see past the here and now, to have some more definite concept of my future destiny and invest more wholeheartedly in storing up treasure for the future.  I miss out on so much by hanging onto so much.  I waste time, lose energy, cause pain, misplace priorities, miss opportunities, by focusing on my earthly treasures.

Turn my pockets inside-out, oh God!  Give me but a glimpse of Your glory, and the riches that await me in Heaven someday.  Help me to see You, to know You, to trust You and your plan for me.  Help me to eagerly anticipate all that awaits me in Heaven.  Help me to take hold of the "life that is truly life."

1 Timothy 6:17-19 (NIV) Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment. Command them to do good, to be rich in good deeds, and to be generous and willing to share. In this way they will lay up treasure for themselves as a firm foundation for the coming age, so that they may take hold of the life that is truly life.

It goes both ways...

"Don't hold the button down, Lawson!"  Carter screams for the 10th time.  They're playing (or trying to play) walkie talkies again and it's just not working out.  Lawson gets so excited the minute he realizes he can talk into the walkie talkie that he just grips it tightly and holds that button down....rambling on and on.  It's a bit of a power trip for a 2-year-old I'm afraid. Carter never gets a chance to get a word in.  He tries to be patient, but it's a completely one-sided conversation.

Listening to them play...Carter desperately trying to have a conversation with Lawson...I saw a parallel to the way we often communicate with God.  How many days are my prayers a quick list of to-do's I want to lay out before Him?  How often to I stop to listen...to really be still and quiet and hear what He might have to say to me?  The minute I realize I've got a captive audience, I'm so quick to dominate the conversation...then when things go awry, I'm just as quick to question God and wonder why my prayers aren't being answered the way I would like.

I've got to loosen my death-grip on that button...the key isn't getting in as many words as I possibly can each day....the key is recognizing I have God's ear, anytime, any place, every day...and then humbly asking Him to help me through whatever life may throw my direction.  He's waiting to talk to me if I'll just let go and listen.

Psalm 27:14 Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.

True Love...

"I mow the lawn tonight.  You help me."  This was uttered in my direction as the determined Lawson grabbed his little plastic Fisher Price lawnmower out of the shed, then went back in to push the real lawnmower out for me.  "OK, Lawson, I'll help you."  As I mowed, he followed right along behind me with his own little mower, keeping up quite well for at least the first 20 minutes.  Eventually though, he tired out, and disappeared into the backyard.

I had to chuckle at his adorable insistence that he, a 2-year-old, was so sure he was going to mow the entire lawn with his little toy mower.  Sure he went through the motions of mowing and made a valiant effort in the beginning, but the fact was, it was just too enormous for him to do on his own...the mower wasn't the right tool for the task, and he didn't have an understanding of how to complete the job.

 As I leaned forward to pull the curtains closed this evening, ready to put the very sleepy Lawson to bed, I saw an enormous rainbow arcing through the dark sky.  "Look, Lawson!  A big rainbow!"  He climbed out of bed to look out the window with me for a few moments, in awe of the amazing sight.  "What's that, Mama?"  "That is a rainbow.  Do you know what it means?  It means that God...Loves...Us."

I tucked him in and gave him an enormous kiss, thankful to have shared this moment of beauty and of profound realization with him.  How often have I gone to the Lord and said, "Lord, let's do this together."  I have all the right intentions...recognize my need for Him, for His strength, His wisdom...but I stubbornly try to take the reigns.  All too soon, I falter...I fall short...I recognize my intense need for Him.  And in spite of all this...and of my stubborn human nature that causes me to make the same mistakes over and over and over again...He still loves me.

I read this quote the other day:

"Look back over your own history as revealed to you by grace, and you will see on central fact growing large - God is love...In the future, when trial and difficulties await you, do not be fearful; whatever and whoever you may lose faith in, let not this faith slip from you - God is Love"

~Oswald Chambers

The wind in my face...

 Carter has been absolutely begging me to feed the baby every single day lately...so this morning he finally got his chance.  He does love his little sister...when she's not screaming her head off.  The one remedy for that is to carry her around all day.  She loves to sleep for several hours a day in her backpack, riding on my chest.  I think I'm going to need a major chiropractic adjustment in the near future!

I took Carter, Reese & Sienna for a bike ride on Sunday since it was such a nice, unseasonably warm day.  Our neighbors gave us a bike attachment that hooks to the back of my bike and Sienna can ride on it and even pedal.  She loves us...but in her typical Sienna fashion, is a total "backseat driver."  She was not satisfied with our speed at one point when I was turning around in a cul-de-sac and said, "Mama, you aren't going fast enough.  Why don't I feel the wind on my face?"  This was followed shortly after by "Mama, why do you have a big, fat butt?"  I'd imagine this is somewhat akin to the way contestants feel on the Biggest Loser when a trainer is riding them to workout harder!?  Nothing like a 4-year old making you feel lousy about yourself just 7 weeks after having a baby, nonetheless!

I was in the laundry room yesterday, holding the screaming baby while I tried to throw the wet laundry into the dryer.  Lawson came in and put his face right up to hers and said, "You little bugger." in a gruff voice....

We were eating edamame for dinner last night and Carter paused from eating his to say, "This should really be called edible-mame.  That describes it better."  Well-said, Carter, well said...

Love

 He desperately wanted to do it on his own...insisted on it.  His chubby little hands were swathed in too-large mittens where his thumbs didn't even fit into the thumb holes.  But this did not make him hesitate for even one second.  He grabbed the handle of the heavy wagon, 4-year-old Sienna seated inside, and started to try to pull it...walking backwards on the sidewalk.  He grunted and heaved with all his might.  I continued to hold the handle and let him lace his hands through the handle with mine.  He became frustrated at first that I didn't let go...even tried to push me away.  Gradually he accepted my help and together we pulled the wagon down the sidewalk...our progress impeded greatly by his size and ability to pull and his struggle to walk backwards without falling.  

In the moments of watching my 2-year-old son trying to pull the wagon I thought about so many times in my life where I've done the very same thing.  Stubbornly I try to take the reigns, day after day.  Stubbornly I have repeatedly forgotten and forsaken my "first love" (Revelation 2)...I've strayed from the path I should be walking...head bent low in concentration, I forge ahead...  

And then...

"I lift my eyes to the hills.  Where does my help come from?  My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of Heaven and earth."

I take my eyes off the pavement to see something so much greater than me.  

My impatience to plow through my to-do list each day clouds 

my ability to see what is 

truly important.  

I've been overconfident in my abilities...in my strength.  Gently, ever so gently I feel His warmth surround me...I sense His presence beside me as I flounder in the shallows.  He grips me and pulls me out...He walks beside me, doing all the heavy lifting for me.  He patiently allows me to keep trying...knowing I will struggle and fall again.  He never forces me to choose the right path, but reminds me constantly of my first love...

I sense that love in the peace that floods over me, even during times of great difficulty...

That love is evident in His amazing creation...

That love is visible when I behold the miracles of my children...

That love is in His grace towards me...in His willingness to take me back again and again.  Even after I've forgotten about Him...He will Never forget about me.  He loves me that much.

Perfect Peace...

I'm in Week 5 of the Newborn Challenge.  Totally sleep-deprived and trying to keep five kids fed, clothed and alive is way beyond peaceful and serene.  It feels more like a full day of the most strenuous fitness boot camp.

On Monday, Lawson was in the basement "playing."   I had poured a bowl of dry cereal for him and I didn't realize he had taken it down with him.  I heard a strange noise and upon walking down, I realized that the noise was him, riding on his red car back and forth over the cereal which he had dumped out all over the floor.  It was now a nice powder...

My doula came for my follow-up visit Monday morning only to spend most of the visit trying to calm my VERY unhappy baby.  We tried different ways to hold her, burp her, swaddle her...it was quite a circus.  We took her up to the nursery because the other kids were being quite loud (shocking, I know!)...and they all followed us up there and dumped out the toys in her closet to play with in her room.


Since she finished the Butterflies of North America book with me last week, Sienna was eager to find another equally thrilling book to harass me with this week.  Yesterday, it was a cookbook of Reese's.  She patiently followed me around ALL morning with this book, asking me again and again and again, "What's this recipe, read what's in it...."  Just because I was in the middle of changing a poopy diaper, nursing the baby, trying to get dressed or brush my teeth or use the bathroom, I was not spared.

The first three hours of my day today were spent with a baby strapped to the front of me.  I discovered that she cries wayyyy less when she is in the carrier...this does however present a bit of a challenge when I want to actually move freely about the house, or bend over, or use the bathroom.

I got some eggs out to crack for a recipe I was making for dinner.  Lawson saw the eggs and heard me ask Reese if she wanted to crack them for me.  I turned my back for 1 minute and vaguely heard him saying "My crack eggs."  Oh...No!!!  I turned around to see him smacking an egg down all over the counter.  Egg was everywhere!

I took something out to the garage and when I came back inside, Lawson was standing in the kitchen facing me with a big grin on his face, soccer ball in hands.  He squatted down as if to throw it to me but instead hoisted it up over his head and threw it backwards onto the kitchen table, just inches away from a large glass cake plate with a cake on it!

The day is over...I'm exhausted but still breathing...and just as I put away the last piece of laundry away in the kids' rooms, I come back downstairs to find a pile of new dirty clothes from the finished day...just waiting for my attention tomorrow.

My days are a swirling chaotic mess most of the time.  It feels a bit like putting out one fire after another all day long.  It'd be easy to get discouraged. depressed...to give in to the temptation to say, "This is all just too much for me to handle!"  And really, it is.  Don't be tempted to think I'm some kind of supermom just because I have these kids and do these things day after day.

My strength surely isn't my own today...or any day for that matter.  My strength flows to me directly from the Lord.  He supplies me with exactly what I need for each new day.  I trust in Him...and He never disappoints.  I read Isaiah 26:3-4 this morning and it gave me a peace just knowing that no matter how difficult the days are, my peace comes from Him.