You win some...you lose some...

 I witnessed a fist fight while standing in the checkout line at Trader Joe's today  My cashier handled the whole ordeal with amazing poise and a calm demeanor...I however could feel my blood pressure rising through the roof.  The scuffle started with angry words exchanged, there was grappling back and forth which led to louder and louder protests and then the pushing and shoving began....all over a strip of TJ Stickers!  Yes, the fighters were my own two precious children.

The incredibly kind and sympathetic cashier asked me after I had paid, "Can I help you to your car with your groceries?" (This, by the way, is actually a very kind way of saying, "You are disturbing the peace in our store, please let me escort you out as quickly as possible.")  I often take them up on this offer and should have today, had my own injured pride not got the best of me.  I was still rather embarrassed as I was attempting to soothe the now-crying baby and remove Carter's arm from around Sienna's neck as she tried to take another swing at Lawson for "taking my stickers!!!"  All this on a day the cashier had given each child a strip of about 20 stickers each!!!  They also each found one of the Trader Joe's "Quilliam" stuffed animals in the store while we shopped and had gotten free lollipops...this should have been a very happy day!

Things only got worse when we left the building.  We now have to take two carts into the store because Evangeline's car seat fills up one entire cart and Lawson and the groceries take up another.  Carter was pushing the cart with the groceries and managed to run over Sienna's foot on the way back to the car.  I had to stop to console the now-screaming Sienna and carry her back to the car while still pushing the cart with screaming Evangeline.  It was a nightmare!  And believe it or not, even after this debacle, we still went to the library.  Evangeline finally fell asleep, which made it tremendously better, but Lawson did his usual disappearing act as soon as we walked in the door.  He also managed to soak his entire shirt in the water fountain when I got distracted trying to find Sienna.  And all the kids, despite my best efforts to discourage them from checking out a lot of books, managed to stuff 80 books into two bags and the bottom of my stroller....much to my chagrin.  I did discover that if I sat Lawson up on the counter next to the computer while I was scanning all the books for checkout, he couldn't run away.  Score one for Mom!

This afternoon, since I hadn't experienced enough stress for one day, I took the four younger kids to Soergel's Market where they were giving out free soft serve.  I'm a sucker for freebies, I'll admit it.  It was chilly and just starting to rain as we waiting in line outside.  Lawson was having none of it and ran away to see the farm animals.  I kept telling him he needed to come back if he wanted ice cream, to which he kept replying "I don't want any ice cream!"  But as I walked away from the stand with our ice cream, he ran towards me now yelling, "I want ice cream!"  It was OK...I didn't want mine anyway.

I took the kids over to the Garden Center because Derrick had asked me to look for a new kind of potting soil we'd seen on the show Shark Tank called PittMoss.  I was trying to ask one of the employees about it while keeping a close eye on Lawson who was running back and forth through the greenhouse. As I was paying, Evangeline started to cry again.  I did let the employee carry the big back out to the van for me.  After he loaded it in, I was trying to get Lawson into his seat while leaning over the screaming baby.  He started to fuss too and I thought I smelled something and was in the process of loudly asking him, 'Do you have a poopy diaper?" when I heard a voice behind me.  The clerk had come back out to the car since I had left my flyer with coupons sitting at the register.  "I just thought you might still want these," he said...total moment of embarrassment...  I now resolve never to go to Trader Joe's or Soergel's again unless I am in disguise!

Winter is followed by Spring...

I've been watching them for weeks, just waiting for the day the tiny green leaves would give way to beautiful flowers...the first colors of spring erupting from the recently frozen, lifeless earth.  There is something so very special about the first flowers of spring.  For so many months everything is dead and shriveled up...then suddenly there is life again.

I revel in this cycle of seasons...and it gives me reason to pause and reflect over the long season of winter giving way to new life, fresh beauty, delicate promises of the bounty of summer still to come...

I realized last spring, that these flowers now held a new and poignant meaning for me.  The tulips blooming in my yard were a gift to me from Ed about 5 years ago.  He brought them back from a trip to Holland and gave them to me for Christmas one year.  I've always enjoyed them, and the thoughtfulness of his gift, but never imagined it would be mixed with the deepest sorrow.

Winter does end...the warmth in the air today, the breeze blowing with the scent of LIFE was a testament to that.  I look at the sweet faces of my children...new life...such promise...they seem to beckon to me...

Carry on.

Life isn't meant to be an endless summer.  There will be cycles of seasons throughout that serve to grow us, to teach us, to make us appreciate the smallest of flowers even more.

I'm thankful today for the beauty of spring and for all signs of new life around me.    

Psalm 30:5  Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.

Insurmountable Odds...

 





As soon as we pulled up to the park, a little voice from the backseat of the car screamed with delight, "Basketball!!!"  Sure enough, beside the kids' playground sat a dilapidated basketball court, six hoops evenly spaced around a rectangle of cracked asphalt.  He grabbed the only balls we had brought, a soccer ball and a rubber play ball, and took off toward the court.

As I watched him, I had to shake my head in wonder.  There he stood in the middle of the court, surrounded by these 10-foot high hoops that seemed to tower into the sky.  Completely undaunted, he lowered the ball and heaved it with all his might toward the hoop.  Wherever the ball fell, there he ran to try again, moving from one hoop to the next.  He fell down, again and again...the effort was so great.  I stopped him for a moment, red-cheeked and out of breath, to remove his coat so he could continue in more comfort.  For at least 15 minutes he continued to shoot baskets.  I don't think he made a single shot...maybe one, but the excitement never faded, he never got upset, he just kept trying.  At 2 years old he had a resolve that I could only dream of.

When faced by a challenge that seems too great, an obstacle that appears beyond the scope of my faith, my strength and my courage, I sometimes falter.  It's easier to turn my back and run, to pretend it's not there, to say I gave it my best, when I really just gave up.

As I watched 2-ear-old Lawson embracing these obstacles today, taking on a challenge that was simply too great for him, I could not help but sense the Lord speaking even through some rusty old basketball hoops.

I give you My Word, My promise not to give you anything beyond what you can handle.  There will be days...perhaps even years...when it feels like you won't make a single "shot"....but you must keep trying.




God's promises stand..

I will never leave nor forsake you

I know the plans I have for you

I love you with an everlasting love

Step out in faith, He seems to beckon me.  Show Me that you still trust Me even when it seems like nothing is going your way...like the obstacles are just too great to overcome.  This is what it truly means to have faith.  I remind myself that if God is for me, who can be against me?  And I take that first step...

Endurance...

 Over the past week I've been following the news more closely...

A former friend of mine is on trial...for the murder of her own two children.

How can this be?  How could something so terrible happen to someone who was following the Lord...and who I know loved her children dearly?

Many many questions still come to the surface whenever I dwell on this tragic situation.  She was one of the first true friends I made when I moved to Pittsburgh.  We spent so many hours together, running after work, attending Bible studies, having our kids play together.  So very many what ifs and feelings of guilt about what I might have done differently still plague me...and I'm sure many others.  The pain I feel when I see her now, dressed in an orange jumpsuit and in handcuffs, absolutely shakes me to the core.

I read something in Sarah Young's "Jesus Always" yesterday...

Do not underestimate the brokenness of the world you inhabit.  

Your enjoyment of My Presence will always intermingle with the sorrows 

of living in this fallen world - until I take you into Glory.

 How true that is...we long for perfection and stability and constancy in this life...but hoping for those things is like grasping for the wind.  We''ll continually be disappointed if we are hoping for that here.  Several verses from Hebrews keep coming to mind tonight...






Hebrews 12:1-3
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

He endured SO much for us...for me.  He did it all while I was still a sinner...indeed under the harshest possible circumstances, for the most unworthy of people.  He endured the cross...He endured great opposition...He truly demonstrated for us the way to run the race and run it well.

At the end of the day, when sadness threatens to strangle out any joy I might have, when the heavy weight of this fallen world presses down on my heart, I turn to the One who has promised to give me rest, the One who restores my soul, the One who brings joy, even amidst this kind of unbelievable sorrow.  He wanted us to see that life is not meant to be easy...that is why He lived it here under so much constant pressure and pain and with only the barest of necessities provided to Him.  He had to entrust God for everything during His years in ministry...for even the most basic needs of food and shelter.  And He endured it all.

I am tempted to throw up my hands and say, "Life just isn't fair!  Why is this so hard?  Why all this pain?"  And then I turn to the One who Endured...the One who was so much more justified in saying those things, but never did.  He endured for me...for you...let that fact soak in for a few minutes.  He endured, that we might also endure...knowing we will experience the utmost joy when we finally reach the finish line and join Him in heaven one day.  Press on, dear brothers and sisters...throw off all that hinders and press on...

The Super Bloom...

I heard an interesting news story today that caught my attention...a very rare phenomenon is taking place in the California deserts...a super bloom.  The flooding rains that have soaked that state over the past several months have caused this event to unfold, making even the driest places burst forth with amazing colors.  Even Death Valley is awash in color.




I could not help but see the Biblical parallels to this event...for over a decade these delicate seeds have been sitting in hibernation, just waiting for the right conditions to bloom.  Up until that point the soil was barren and cracked and for all intents and purposes, dead to any form of life.  But those seeds were there for all that time...waiting.




In one video I watched, the park ranger described it as a valley of death being transformed into a valley of life.  This is an image of such hope...that even the most barren wastelands can be transformed into a scene of phenomenal beauty.

COURTESY OF MICHAEL ZANDY

Yea, though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death...

There have been so many days that my heart can scarcely bare the pain, the grief, the sorrow.  This valley is a deep one...there seems no end in sight.  But today, I have a vision of the super bloom.  I have no doubt that even in the midst of this great desert, seeds are being planted.





I wait in great hope and expectation for the day I will see God's hand working mightily...as it describes in Isaiah 35:6 "...waters shall break forth in the wilderness and streams in the desert."

I'm waiting for a super bloom...when my own desert will be awash in color, when God's hand that is clearly working even in the midst of this dry season will be revealed in it's full glory.

Longing for Egypt...

 The Good Old Days....

How easy it is to look back with longing and deep sighs...to wish for what once was, but is no more.  How we revile change, resist it, hang on to things of the past for as long as we possibly can, only to have them wrenched away...

In studying the Israelite journey out of Egypt this year, I've been convicted again and again by their struggles and sins...which so very often point me right back to my own faults and tendencies to be ungrateful, disloyal, and complaining.

The further from Egypt and closer to the Promised Land they get, the more they begin to ask to go back to Egypt...the land of their captivity and enslavement.  How could anything be as bad as that?  How could they possibly pine for those days when God has promised them again and again to bring them into a land flowing with milk and honey?

At first, I was quick to criticize...quick to shake my head incredulously and wonder how anyone could be so foolish.  Then, as the reality of their situation and its similarity to me began to seep in, I became more somber.

Don't I long for the days gone by...long for a return to the past?  Don't I often look back, thinking things were so much better back then, so much happier?  But to go back would undo so much of the very essence of my being...the fiber of my faith  To go back would be to reverse all those delicate layers of resilience, of trusting in Him, of dependency when times are tough.

I realized, in reading their story, that I too long for "Egypt", just as the Israelites did.  I often lack the patience, the faith, the perseverance to get through the difficult times...to see the light at the end of the tunnel that He promises me.  I want security and familiarity and the past often seems to offer those twin comforts.




Faith really is, in so many ways, like exercise.  Progress only comes through pain.  Results are only achieved through time, persistence and often discomfort.





On the days I am tempted to look back and long for the past, may God give me the strength instead to see the future He has laid out for me...to forge ahead with confidence and trust in His ultimate plan for my life, even when my human eyes can see nothing but trials and pain.  May He give all of us the strength, just exactly what we need for today, and the patience to make it through to the finish line.

Have you read the instructions?

I don't understand!

What am I supposed to do?

This doesn't make any sense!

I hear statements like this on an almost daily basis these days, and very often my reply is simply, "Have you read the instructions?"

Whether it's learning a new board game, working on a school assignment, or assembling a new toy, the kids often try to bypass the instructions and just figure it out on their own first.  After a few eye rolls and a grumble or two, they begrudgingly read those instructions which shed so much light on the problem.

Don't we all try to skip ahead and get straight to the "good stuff" without first reading the instructions?  As I sat in a friend's family room yesterday, waiting for Reese to finish a sewing lesson, I noticed a well-used Bible, nestled on a shelf under the coffee table.  Clearly it had been read many, many times.  Clearly it was well-treasured by its owner.

Seeing that Bible struck me because I could suddenly see God saying to me, "When situations in your life don't make sense...when you are questioning the reason or timing of something...when you simply don't understand...Have you first read the instructions?  Have you been pouring over, memorizing, meditating on My Word?  Do you know My promises and really believe in and trust in them?"

I remember my own Grandmother's Bible...the cover worn and tattered, the delicate pages creased and marked and yellowed...it was clearly a part of her...deeply cherished...consulted on a daily basis.  Do I treat my Bible as an instruction manual for life?  Do I really dig into it looking for answers, realizing that those men and women 2,000+ years ago were facing so many problems exactly like my own?

How many times do I find myself praying for answers, feeling uncertain, discouraged, and confused...but failing to go first to the Word?  When I do read the Word, God's intense love for me just pours out of the pages.  I am struck that He gave me this amazing tool to get through life's most difficult trials...that He cared enough to do this...for me!!  So tonight, as I'm facing so many giants in my life, as I wonder to myself, "How am I going to make it through this?  What should I do?  How do I handle so much heartache and discouragement?"...His answer comes softly, in the form of a tattered old book...

"Have you read the instructions today?"